| Animal Attraction Pets and Other critters. |
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10-01-2005, 07:52 PM
|  | Schmoopy Woopy | | Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: A stone's throw from Geezerville, FLA
Posts: 5,289
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From Craigslist in Detroit: Quote:
So I have this cat.
Actually it’s my girlfriend’s cat.
Actually we have two, a small grey tabby named T**** that is a blast to have around, and the “other one”.
It’s corpulent, bright orange and has medium length hair, so of course to me it’s name has only ever been Fat Bastard.
(I’m not kidding, this cat is obese enough that it’s gut leaves it’s own trail in the middle of it’s footprints after I vacuum the carpet, uniformly triangulating the food dish, the litter box, and the hammock it has steamrollered for itself in my underwear hamper)
Fat Bastard has a problem.
It’s very existence revolves solely around consuming anything organic.
I mean anything.
We can’t have real plants anymore, not even cactus.
(My girlfriend didn’t laugh when I, tired of the green vomit, suggested Poinsettias)
We have all of the food stored in cupboards that have child locks on them.
Opening the fridge involves holding a broom.
(I’d love to teach the (expletive) a lesson by trapping it in there for a little bit, but beyond the cessation of all sexual activity when my girlfriend finds out, I’m pretty sure this thing is as well-insulated as a walrus and I’d only open the door and discover carnage, not to mention fuzzy rage propelling itself to freedom with one of it’s signature exertion farts)
We have a bungee cord holding the lid on the trash can, which also happens to be attached to the wall to prevent, as my girlfriend calls it, “accidental tipping”.
Ordering pizza involves trapping it in a bedroom, then listening to it scratch furiously at the door as soon as it gets a whiff of oregano.
It drinks pop.
We can’t walk away from the stove while preparing a meal, as even scalding hot pots and pans have proven no match for it’s powerful, powerful lust.
I love bacon, yet it’s become contraband since the “incident”.
(Which my girlfriend still somehow regards as my fault, as if I encouraged the (expletive) thing to snatch sizzling bacon right out of the pan, headfirst, then tear-ass around the house alternating between muted howling and ragged, gasping swallows.)
It has, on a number of occasions, snarfed an entire pack of cigarettes.
Christ, this cat has eaten soap that smelled like melon.
It was entertaining at first, playing the “Let’s see what we can get in there” game, but when this (expletive) beast blew right through wasabi, jalapenos, mustard, lemons, live grasshoppers, Skittles, and an extra-shot latte, I got the point.
I’m tired of having to treat simple food items like they’re plutonium.
I miss having a bag of chips or a cold pizza on the coffee table while I’m watching the game.
I’m fed up with having to wait to do laundry because the basement has been fouled by a particularly rank dump.
Enough is enough.
If you want her, she’s yours.
The girlfriend or the cat, it’s your call…
(Either way, you don’t even have to get out of the car; I’ll just unwrap a Kraft single and throw it in the backseat.)
Please, help a guy out… this is in or around the end of my rope
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10-01-2005, 07:55 PM
|  | Hot and Juicy | | Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: off campus
Posts: 46,294
| | Re Eris, want another cat? | |
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10-01-2005, 08:02 PM
|  | A Has Been | | Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Farmersville, TX
Posts: 6,444
| | Re Eris, want another cat? | |
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10-01-2005, 08:03 PM
|  | Epinions Members | | Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Home
Posts: 8,499
| | Re Eris, want another cat? | |
I thought Brian was offering up scooter ... or birdie ...
__________________  You are better when you are pink Winnie the Pooh |
10-01-2005, 08:08 PM
|  | Mom of the Four Men | | Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: Canada, sort of
Posts: 17,253
| | Re Eris, want another cat? | |
OMG, I hurt from laughing. 
Cindy |
10-01-2005, 08:28 PM
|  | In Spanish, I'm Marijuana | | Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Lawn-Guy-Land, NY
Posts: 28,765
| | Re Eris, want another cat? | |
__________________
MJ
It's extraordinary to me that the United States can find $700 billion to save Wall Street and the entire G8 can't find $25 billion dollars to save 25,000 children who die every day from preventable diseases.~ Bono |
10-01-2005, 08:46 PM
|  | Mistress of Mayhem | | Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: New York
Posts: 16,978
| | Re Eris, want another cat? | |
Too too funny.
__________________
Stress: What happens when your gut says no and your mouth says, "Of course, I'd be glad to." |
10-01-2005, 09:02 PM
|  | I'm Sparkly in Real Life | | Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: It's not heaven, it's Iowa
Posts: 23,985
| | Re Eris, want another cat? | |
There see? The Beast isn't quite so bad compared to that!
__________________ C-My Designs has been updated! Check out my new, improved website for incredible jewelry design. SUBSCRIBE TO The Beading Help Web Blog who knows, you just might learn something!!
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10-01-2005, 11:03 PM
| | Hot and Juicy | | Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: off campus
Posts: 46,294
| | Re Eris, want another cat? | |
Wait a minute! That was from Detroit. Isn't Eris from Lansing? |
10-01-2005, 11:16 PM
|  | Epinions Members | | Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: The Granite State
Posts: 10,466
| | Re Eris, want another cat? | |
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10-01-2005, 11:19 PM
|  | Insert witty comment here | | Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Alabama
Posts: 18,570
| | Re Eris, want another cat? | |
ROFL! Hysterical!
__________________ Melanie
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10-02-2005, 01:36 AM
|  | Housemother to the World | | Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: A Capital Ship For an Ocean Trip
Posts: 3,291
| | Re Eris, want another cat? | |
__________________
"Death before dishonor. Nothing before coffee." |
10-02-2005, 07:29 AM
|  | Registered Member | | Join Date: Jul 2003
Posts: 5,885
| | Re Eris, want another cat? | |
OK, that's it. I'm going to stop feeding Pixie peas and Stranger corn.
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10-02-2005, 11:33 PM
|  | thread-killa | | Join Date: Dec 2000
Posts: 17,317
| | Re Eris, want another cat? | |
I laughed so hard I cried.
G could have written a similarly virulent post about our now deceased cat Aaliyah... the only cat I've ever actively hated. | |
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