Something my mom said bothers me....

[emeleel]

I visited my mom a couple of months ago, and one conversation brought up a point that still bothers me that she said this. But I'm not sure if it bothers me because I'm seeing things through the filter of my own pains of childhood, or if I'm really right and it should bother me.

Should we "get our feelings hurt" because of something that happens to our child(ren)?

I can't remember now exactly what the conversation was in regards to. It was either about none of Sean's friends coming to his/Erin's birthday party last year, or it was something else that had happened to Sean. (I think it was something else.) I casually mentioned that, "It kind of hurt my feelings." Now, I'm not talking about pouting, getting in a huff, nottalking to the kid's parents or anything, just a light kind of 'I didn't like it, and I hurt for my child' kind of thing. My mom spouts off, "Well, you can't let it hurt your feelings!"

I know we can't get mad and upset every time somebody so much as looks at our kids cross-eyed. But even though we're adults, I think we're entitled to our own feelings and emotions, and when you love someone, I think it's okay to hurt for them. (Even if they didn't get their feelings hurt - Sean has yet to get upset about anything anybody does to him unless he gets hurt physically. Thank God.) I know my mom loves/loved me very much
- I was her whole world, being an only child, adopted after years of trying for bio children. But she never seemed to go to bat for me when it came to emotional issues.

For instance, she drove a school bus for several years, and I of course was on the bus with her. For the first couple of years, I was very good friends with a girl that rode that route. Then another girl moved in and came on and took over the friendship, and got my friend to shut me out. I was stuck in the same seat with these girls because we had assigned seats on the bus. My life was a living hell twice a day for an hour with these two. I begged Mom to let me change seats and she wouldn't. Part of it, I
know, was that she felt she couldn't play favorites and let me do
something she wouldn't ordinarily do. I know that, and I knew it then. But a large part of it was also just, "Tough. Deal with it." and that really hurt. That's just one example of the way she always dealt with issues like that, which came up a lot as I was the unpopular, brainiac kid everywhere I went.

I've matured, and I'm sure not about to settle matters the way I did back then. (I finally bit the nose of my former friend when she was in the middle of a taunting tirade! They didn't bother me again after that....) But I think an extension of our love for our kids includes having feelings on their behalf, not just for them themselves. Am I wrong? Should I not care when a child snubs my child, when they taunt my kid, etc.? I'm not about to lash out at another child, but I do think I'm entitled to my own feelings about the matter.

Somehow, I don't think my mom would have made a very good bear.....

[mtbat]

Melanie- I know that I am WAY oversensitive when it comes to my children-especially my daughter-a big part of it is I remember how miserable I was as a child, and I don't like seeing anything "bad" happen to her-

My mom was pretty close to your mom-basicly let me deal with it on my own-

I don't see anything wrong with defending and protecting my children-I think there is a limit, there are certain things you have to let the kids work out themselves, but there are times, things that a mom should step in

I was the kid with glasses in 2ed hand clothes that got teased by the popular kids. While I don't expect(or really want) my daughter to be in the "popular" crowd-God help them if they pick on my daughter because I will make waves at school.

the big thing is I stand up for my daughters rights-if I feel she is being mistreated or cheated I will do what I can to set it right-

Maybe we are the way we are because of how our mothers were with us-maybe we were missing that protectiveness and are overcompensating for our own kids-but ya know what? our kids will grow up knowing they can ALWAYS rely on mom

[pluckyduck]

Melanie -

I read this twice yesterday, started to respond each time, and then didn't because I wasn't quite sure what to say.

I don't want to criticize your mom, because I wasn't there, and I wasn't walking in her shoes. There is value, significant value, in letting our kids learn to deal with social situations on their own. It's hard, believe me, but unless I'm planning on running interference for my boys for the rest of their lives, I'm doing them a favor if I back off a bit and let them learn to deal with the ups and downs and ins and outs of their social systems.

How I feel about that is an entirely different story. How I feel is that I want to build a big plastic bubble and keep both of them inside so that nothing can ever, ever hurt them. That's how I feel.

This is what I've told them, repeatedly: "Always tell me what is going on. If someone is mean to you, if you are getting teased, whatever is going on, I want to know about it. I can't fix everything, but I can help."

Then, I try to provide them with a little social coaching. A byproduct of Dan's LD issues is complete oblivion to social systems. Since he entered school, I've worked on giving him a leg up by doing simple things, like making sure he is always dressed appropriately. Peer appropriately, not parent appropriately. The first school shopping trip I did by myself. I didn't ask him what he wanted to wear, I bought him what would be cool in his peer's eyes. I staked out the boys section in a department store for at least 40 minutes and watched the boys come through. I watched what they were wearing, which clothes on which racks got them excited, etc., and then I bought those clothes.

When I get their hair cut, I always ask the stylist what's current. Current, BTW, is the "George Clooney". Short on the top, longer on the side, lots and lots of hair gel.

So, I try to be as proactive as possible...and then when there are problems, give them specific coaching to help them, especially Dan, deal with it.

Tears earlier this year from Dan because his seat partner on the bus was being mean to him. Now, my first reaction was to wait for the bus to show up and get on the bus and strangle the kid. My second reaction was to call up school transportation and tell them to get the bus driver to fix the problem.

Instead, I spent some time talking to Dan. Turns out, Dan was driving the poor kid crazy and he was just fed up.

Dan likes to repeat things. He likes to have the same conversations over and over and over again. It can drive his mother and father nuts to the point where we demand "New subject, Dan. You've exhausted that one!" Well, he was doing the same thing to his seatmate, and his seatmate finally was demanding that Dan just keep his mouth shut...and Dan wasn't taking the hint.

So, his Dad and I used this as opportunity to coach him about acceptable/unacceptable behavior, and how it's his responsibility to set things up so other people want to be around him and enjoy him.

My younger son can be a real know-it-all. We've had to talk to him not a few times about how correcting other kids is not cool.

I want my kids to "be themselves" but I also want them to learn how behave in a way that makes other people like them. This parenting thing is really full of landmines, isn't it?

Andrea

[conradd]

Like Andrea, I wanted to spend some time thinking about your question. It forced me to question some of my own parenting practices.

I've always considered myself to be my son's best advocate. If he's in a situation that is hurtful or harmful to him, and he doesn't have the power to change it, then I step in. If he is in a situation that can cause emotional distress, then I make sure he's identified every option he can to change it himself. Sometimes, that means standing back and biting my tongue . . . I'd much rather rush in and fix things.

Melanie, it sounds like you're doing the same thing. For almost all parents, it's very hard not to hurt when your kids are hurting. That's empathy. That's compassion. That's good parenting. However, standing back and watching your child develop coping skills is good parenting too (and being ready to provide much love and emotional support). Growing up is hard work.

Were you, perhaps, reacting more to your mom's denial of your right to have feelings? This sounds like something my mom might tell me too . . . and my reaction would be, "Oh yes, I certainly can have hurt feelings over this." No one else should dictate what we should or shouldn't feel sad about. It sounds like you handled it right to me . . . empathy for your child while not taking it to an extreme.

The bus incident would be hard for any child. If I were a bus driver and the rules were "no seat changes", I'd also have a rule that riders were required to treat each other with respect and courtesy. No child should have to endure taunts and ill treatment on an ongoing basis. Sorry you had to go through that.

Deb

[pluckyduck]

Just to illustrate how many different ways a mother can go wrong, let me throw in my mother's approach to things. She was certainly caring about my feelings when I was teased, but her approach frustrated and hurt me anyway.

I desperately needed some social coaching. Of course, come to think of it, so did she, since she was the one that "dressed me funny", now wasn't she?

I knew there was something wrong with me, something off, to make the other kids tease me, but for the life of me, I couldn't figure it out. (Um, really tall girl, curly hair, braniac bookworm whose mother dressed her funny, there's a start. ) But on top of all of that, I didn't behave appropriately. Not unlike Dan, I just couldn't pick up social cues. I was a nice kid, but I was annoying as hell.

Anyway, I begged my mother for help and her answer was "They're just jealous."

Now that was a lot of help.

There were ways to be me without being annoying. I just needed some guidance.

Andrea
who says, don't forget, they always blame the mother