Mild Spanking may not be bad

[jnbmoore]

In the study of the week http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,32842,00.html spanking may not be as horrible as previously reported.


Now be honest, do you spank?

We do the 1-2-3 one swat or time out depending on what monkey's doing. But she knows. " Monkey turn off the tv and come eat dinner 1. Do you want a da pigu (spank)? 2 turn off the tv" tv is turned off and she runs.

often I don't get past one

If you say you are against spanking, have you hit in anger? (know many on my mommy list who have done so)

So aren't calm reasoned controled spankings better than hitting in anger?

Bridgette
co-sleeper, breastfeeder on demand till 2 1/2, controlled spanker,
(opening up one can of worms bigger than dani's nah nah nah)

[pluckyduck]

I'm not going to say what another parent should or shouldn't do (as long as the line into violence isn't crossed, of course).

I can say that I thought I would spank, until I tried it. With Addie it was impossible. He was so crushed, my first time was my last. With Dan, maybe in 9 years a grand total of 10 times...so mentally painful to me, I just couldn't handle it. (I'm talking a sturdy "swat", but a just a swat nonetheless.)

The "this hurts me more than it hurts you" line turns out not to be a line!

Andrea
who thinks this is a Kiddley Divey Too subject, yes?

[conradd]

Originally posted by pluckyduck
who thinks this is a Kiddley Divey Too subject, yes?

Nope, dear duck. All breastfeeding, circ, and spanking threads are sent to the Soapbox. Amy promised.

Deb
who has her limits

[susanwhipple]

Well, I do occasionally spank my child. It is as Bridgette said, planned- as in "I'm going to count to 3." Rarely do I get to 3. She's a great kid.


I will add this. Laws and attitudes towards this vary by state. I work for Child Protective. In my county parents are told: it is not against the law to spank a child, but it must be done with an open hand, not an object or fist. It must be done on a clothed bottom, and you can not leave any marks.

But in other states it is different. I am working on a case right now where half the family is in Pa. There law states parents can use an implement, like a paddle, and they can leave marks-as long as it is done as a punishment.

After working with so many families with out of control teens, I tell all the parents I work with that if spanking is the only parenting tool you have, you had better find something else that works before they get to be bigger and stronger than you are.

[jnbmoore]

Originally posted by susanwhipple

After working with so many families with out of control teens, I tell all the parents I work with that if spanking is the only parenting tool you have, you had better find something else that works before they get to be bigger and stronger than you are.

Very very very true

I should qualify that monkey is 3 1/2 -- we are trying to do logic and reasoning more adn more (YEAh right)

And she's not had a da pigu for a good three weeks I think. Can't remember why. Probably had to do with being stubborn and willful disobdience.

It's just one tool in the list. But not the only one.

Bridgette

[susanwhipple]

ACK!
Bridgette, I sooooooo did not mean to imply you.

[pluckyduck]

Originally posted by conradd


Nope, dear duck. All breastfeeding, circ, and spanking threads are sent to the Soapbox. Amy promised.

Deb
who has her limits

My bad.

I forgot!

Andrea
who demanded and got a scheduled c-section with the second kid...can I say that in Kiddle Divey Too?

[CeeJay62]

Originally posted by jnbmoore



It's just one tool in the list. But not the only one.

Bridgette

You're right, I'm not opposed to spanking done correctly, although it has never worked here. I have two kids that wilt with a stern glance, and three rambunctious, strong willed ones that really don't worry about consequences, as long as they get to have their fun. That is, until we take their freedom away, so we go that route.

I've seen families using mild, controlled spanking with good effect, and I've also seen people who swear their devil spawn are angels that never need spanking. Then again, I have a neighborhood that shrieks and gives "whoopings" (I have no reason to suspect true abuse, just bad parenting), and her kids are the biggest brats in the neighborhood.

Actually I find it challenging enough just to raise my own kids, so I'll just stay in my glass house and not throw anymore stones

[dlbrantley]

When I gave birth I swore I would never do the whole negative parenting thing. Yeah right..that lasted right up to the day she started walking.

Now we do the 123 spank. Usually she runs like a bat out of hell at the end of the 2 warning.

[emeleel]

We use spanking, too. Sean is a very willful, challenging, stubborn, disobedient child and he just does not respond to logic, logical consequences, etc. Hardly responds to spanking, either, but like y'all said, it's just one of the tools. We do our best to do it controlled.

I don't know what Dr. William Sear's current edition of Christian Parenting says in the spanking chapter, but I have the previous edition of that book, and it has a marvelous chapter on how to spank with love, control, etc. and not damage your child or your parent/child relationship. And he doesn't even spank anymore! But he includes it because he knows many people do.

[pluckyduck]

Actually I find it challenging enough just to raise my own kids, so I'll just stay in my glass house and not throw anymore stones

Yep.

Andrea
who really, just wanted to say "yep"

[drmomentum[$]]

I try to spank very carefully to raise heart shaped welts on my daughters.

Seriously though, I simply don't believe spanking works to teach anything except a lesson about violence. I was spanked once or twice and boy did it make me feel like I was right. What I learned from the spankings I received was that violence is what people resort to when they either can't support their position reasonably or don't want to. I'm not saying that that describes those of you who spank, I'm simply saying that that particular lesson seemed loud and clear to me at the time. And that's not the lesson I want to send to my daughters about her or me.

Now, I have gotten "hitting mad" - I just find something else to hit that isn't something I love.

-JP

[susanwhipple]

JP

That's the point.

I don't ever want to be "hittin'" when I'm "hittin' mad".


For me, the swat on the behind is a very controlled thing done after the warnings of countind to three.

If I'm mad, trust me I am counting to a whole different number before I make any decision about how I am going to act.

[drmomentum[$]]

Originally posted by susanwhipple
JP
That's the point.
I don't ever want to be "hittin'" when I'm "hittin' mad".

I guess I have never yet encountered a situation (when I was not mad) that I didn't feel I had other effective options for dealing with the situation. And I'm not saying my kids are behaving angels. Sometimes it takes a lot of creativity (and frustration) to get t hem to respond - to motivate them.

For some people striking may be an effective shortcut. I don't find it acceptable for my children. I feel very strongly about it.

That I have heard so many euphemisms from other people I talk to. Rarely do people say "I slapped/hit/struck/whacked/smacked my child." More often I hear "spank/pop/swat/tap/correct" or something else. While that is significant to me, it may mean something else to other people.

I don't intend to get into an argument about this, though. I'll agree to disagree.

-JP

[frazzledspice]

JP, you described my feelings about spanking so perfectly that I don't think I can add a thing (except to second your opinion.)

[cristina1]

I have tried spanking with my oldest. I found one thing - he would prefer it to any other punishment. It's over in a second and doesnt curb any behavior. Time outs, standing in the corner, being removed from the situation (such as, if he acts up at the playground, etc) is a whole lot more of a punishment for him. Losing favorite toys is another. It depends on the circumstances and where we are what punishment I use. I give warnings and count - and he usually doesnt let it get past 2.

With my 17 month old, we try to divert his attention. If he is into something he shouldnt be, we pick him up and put him somewhere else. If he throws toys, we take them away. The only thing I am at my wits end with is his climbing. He learned that chairs are his friends and can help him get onto any suface he feels the need to climb. Since I cant take every chair out of the house, I havent found a good age-appropriate method of dealing with it. (Saying no does nothing - he just laughs and climbs again.)

[hypotenuse]

He'll probably self-regulate his climbing activities after the first time he falls OFF the chair. I know, sounds cruel, but I went through the same thing with Chris.

Number one son walked at seven months and discovered climbing soon after. First he climbed the kiddie gate that kept him out of the kitchen, then moved on to the diningroom furniture. Fell off the serving board. He was more careful after that, living to his current age of 12.

As for spanking, yes I've used it. But this happens so seldom that it is an event in the children's eyes. Means they've really messed up badly. Repeatedly. Gone beyond the pale, if you KWIM.

And it's not the physical punishment that engenders the reaction I'm looking for. To be quite honest I cannot spank that hard. To them it's the knowledge that they HAVE acted in such a manner to bring me to this punishment that is the actual punishment.

Only one time have I spanked one of my children out of fear and anger. Of course it was Courtney, number one daughter. When she was two/three years old she had the terrible habit of running away from me in parking lots. A very dangerous situation at an age when logic is not always apparant to children.

Courtney took off in the middle of a busy parking lot where I shop for groceries, right after 5:00 pm. Which meant the lot was crowded, with cars zooming everywhere. People trying to get in, grab groceries, and get home. At that age you can't even see them over the front of the car when driving. They're so small.

I caught her three rows over, sat down in the middle of the aisle, put her over my knee, and spanked her butt. She never ran away in a parking lot again.

Lynne

[poseidon]

I'm not a parent but I was a kid. I'll give my perspective, but please, refrain from the "you're not a parent so you're not entitled to an opinion" statement.

I see nothing wrong with spanking so long as it is used as a last resort. What is uncalled for IMHO is spanking every time your kid acts up.

I think that the threat of a spanking without action is pretty worthless. If your kids knows that you're not going to spank him/her (and kids are a lot smarter than most of us give them credit for), then they know your threat is empty and won't carry any weight.

The mother/father who whacks their child in the grocery store aisle for crying isn't punishing, she's/he's trying to shut her/his kid up by inflicting pain. I'd be willing to bet the farm that there's never been an instance in history where a kid has stopped crying because his/her mom/dad just slapped the crap out of him/her. IMHO that crosses the line and goes into "abuse."

The mother/father who grabs the kid just before he/she touches a hot stove and gives a good whack is properly disciplining the child IMHO. It is far less traumatizing to receive a spanking than it is to deal with third-degree burns and skin grafts. I'm not sure how you communicate essentially with a wandering toddler that they shouldn't touch a hot stove or shove their finger in the electrical socket or stick their tongue in the electric mixer or wander into traffic, etc.

[Dani257]

I'm also not a parent, so this is from a former kid's perspective. My mom has always been one of the most easygoing parents I know (except for being overprotective in some ways). We didn't have a bunch of rules and restrictions. But, she did spank me sometimes. This was only when I was doing something dangerous. That way, I knew that it was a really bad thing to do.

The funny thing is, when my brother was young, he would ask for a spanking. He would say 'It's time for my spanking now'. My mom would give him a light swat, not hard enough to even hurt him, so he would be satisfied. The only time she seriously spanked him was when he ran away and almost got hit by a car.

We never grew up scared of her or violent. Of course, I got punished worse when I went to Catholic school.

Originally posted by jnbmoore
Now be honest, do you spank?

Heh. Heh heh. Hehhheheheheheheh.
She said "spank"
Heh huh heh heh hehehehhh.



What? No spanky?



Okay, so every now and then, well, the cats get out of hand and somebody gets a smack on the butt. You're not supposed to hit cats for any reason whatsoever, but it's not always possible to grab a cat and sit on it for a few seconds to trap it and let it know it's been bad.

Nardo gets the most, I figure. He's often chasing Frisky around and terrorizing him.

Growing up, the wooden spoon in the kitchen was the implement most used for corporal punishment. We hid the spoons, but other implements would be used.

[hadassahchana[$]]

JP, wonderful post!

Having said that, I will confess that I have spanked tow of the four boys- each of those got one spank each. They both tried to run out into the street at age three, and both times I was quick enough to grab them back from in front of a car.

Both times, this non-spanking parent grabbed a small boy and administered a potch to the boy's backside. Just one, just one time.

They both still remember it, it did seem to change not only their behaviour but that of their brothers, because they were overheard warning the younger two not to run into the street.

Cindy

[drmomentum[$]]

Originally posted by hadassahchana
Both times, this non-spanking parent grabbed a small boy and administered a potch to the boy's backside.

When your children are in imminent danger or are establishing a habit that puts them in serious danger, I think that is a slightly different situation. Our older daughter would run out into the road when she had a chance. I did raise my voice at her, and after that didn't put her in situations where she could do that anymore.

However, we pretty much watch our own kids 100% of the time. If someone else watch her half the time, I concede it might have been more important to make a lasting impression on her.

-JP

[rich2003dm]

My parents were from the "old school." Spanking was the norm for even petty offenses.

As a father, I've only spanked my son...once. Never laid a hand on my daughter.

I was so depressed and felt so much guilt about physically hurting my son that one time (he got over it in about fifteen minutes), I never could do it again. Here was this defenseless little person that I loved dearly and was supposed to protect, and I hurt him. It still bothers me.

Since that time, I found other ways of disciplining my kids. I generally deprive them of something they really like or want to do as a punishment. Seems to be effective, and I feel much less guilt.

Rich