Why do parents to this?

Too often on Epinions, I see people who refer to their children as "my child with <insert disability>" or "my <insert limitation> child" in reviews. In many cases, these references seem extremely odd, because the the disability or limitation does not affect the author's view of the product or service being reviewed.

At first, I thought that it was just an Epinions thing.

But then I started hearing comments like that from a parent of a child who has ADHD. It didn't matter what the child was doing. It's "she has ADHD" this and "well, because she has ADHD" that.

Perhaps it's because I don't see my child as having limitations that I don't understand that at all. I can't imagine quantifying my child or somehow boxing her into a mould of what she can't do. And I would shudder to have my child know that I thought of her first as limited and second as anything else she might be.

I'm open to other views. Perhaps someone with a child with disabilities can explain this to me. Why bring up a child's disabilities if they aren't the focus of the discussion?

[jgibson2[$]]

I have one young adult son with ADHD and another with dyslexia. Both are in college, so clearly they aren't overly hampered by what some would call disabilities. I only mention the conditions in reviews if they are relevant -- some of my homeschooling reviews, an occasional book review. I really don't understand including them if there is no significance in the review.

[AmyLEnsor]

I sort of got into trouble with this on one of my parenting message boards. One of the mother's has a son with autism, and she told a story where she went to her daughter's dance rehearsal and had to take her son along. They were sitting towards the back of the studio, and the boy was running quietly up and down a hall that lead out of the room. One of the other parents kept staring at her and giving her dirty looks, and she said aloud to her husband that she wished that people would understand that some children are autistic and can't sit still. Well, heck my child can't sit still either, and it isn't because she is autistic--it is because she is only two. In fact, neither of our children were two at the time, more like 22 or 23 months. When I told her that it seemed like pretty normal behavior to me, I think I came off as insensitive. But actually, everyone said that to her, so I wasn't alone. I guess some people want others to understand aspects of their life that they think can make a difference in their attitudes, perceptions and reactions.

[pluckyduck]

Wow.

Good question Sorry it took me so long to get here but I've been sucked into the Current Events, Health & Fitness and Home & Garden forums lately. So many forums, so little time.

A good chunk of you here are aware that my oldest son has issues in the autism spectrum. He's not autistic, not just because I hate labels (which I do), but because he really isn't. He has some issues which dip into autistic spectrum issues, but other abilities that clearly contraindicate a diagnosis of autism.

When I first began dealing with his stuff, I was so vehemently opposed to labels for any person, that I couldn't understand the parents who said "my autisic son" or whatever. No matter what a child's learning patterns or challenges, surely as a person, it's not good for them to be summed up with a label, yes? I felt like you get what you speak with children and if a child hears themselves summed up in a certain way, that's the way that they will be.

As the years have gone on, though, I've seen why the label speak thing happens. I have a nine year old son, rapidly moving towards becoming a teenager (he had his first pimple yesterday! ), who is still struggling to learn how to tie his shoes. The first day he tied his shoes by himself (a few months back), I was so proud, I wanted to run in here and brag all about him.

Now, how do I do that without communicating to others what a huge deal it is that he is working toward conquering the shoe tying thing? Any story that I tell about my handsome, beautiful sons, I find myself tempted toward labels as a short cut. I resist them, so instead, I throw in an awkward sentence or two when necessary, but, more often than not, I just don't tell story. It's too hard to communicate with parents who aren't exposed to children who have the issues that my son does.

When parents who have children with serious issues get together, we do start to throw labels around to help us communicate more efficiently with each other. It's a relief, because we understand each other.

It would sound to you all like we were speaking a foreign language -- dyspraxic, hyperlexic, ,NVLD, SID, PDD-NOS, Asperger's ... it goes on and on and on.

Living it, we understand that the label doesn't sum up the kid, and that the label is completely incomplete...it just helps facilitate the communication. If a parent says to me she has an Aspergers son, I immediately know, to some degree, the path that she walks. If she tells me that her Aspergers son made a friend at the pool, I know that is occasion to set off fireworks and dance a jig in the streets. What an accomplishment!!!

What parents need to do, I think humbly, is make sure that the labels are kept far away from the kids themselves, at least until they are old enough to start to want to know more about what makes them different.

My kid is in a self-contained classroom. He's starting to ask why he has to go to OT (occupational therapy) and speech. He wants to know why he is different. I'd love to pretend that his difference is no different than anyone else's difference, but you know, it is a different difference, isn't it?

This is the path that a parent with a "syndrome" kid walks. Most of us feel like we are picking our way through a minefield as we go.

Andrea

[frazzledspice]

In my own personal experience, parents who have denied that their children have very real difficulties, and who have resisted their getting special help, have given their children many more limitations.

Many disabilities and learning problems can be conquered with early intervention.

When someone visits my home, I want to know if she's allergic to peanut butter, or if she has asthma, so that I can make her visit as comfortable as possible.

I think that, long before many children who are autistic, or ADHD, or learning disabled, are actually diagnosed, it is evident from their behaviors that there is some problem. Many parents of these children have gone through years of tsk-tsking from "well-meaning" relatives and friends, who attribute their children's problems to lack of discipline and faulty parenting.

Sometimes when the diagnosis comes they are so relieved to have the burden of guilt that has been placed on them by thoughtless busybodies lifted that they tell the world.

I have a friend with an autistic child who has been made to feel uncomfortable in several churches she's considered joining, and many other places.

Parents who write about their children might be trying to educate those thoughtless busybodies in the general public to be compassionate.

Maybe it's as Andrea said. Perhaps the parents are trying to convey a message that they assume everyone will "get". For instance, saying "my xxx child" might mean "my child doesn't sit still for anything or show any interest in most things, but boy oh boy, my child liked this!" And if that is the point that people are trying to make, then I can see where it might be valid to mention it.

However, if that's the case, I would much rather people spell it out. I can't understand what these parents go through because I haven't had experience with it. I can understand something like ODD and epilepsy, but only because I have a brother who had both. But for the rest, they might as well be speaking in a foreign language if they expect me to pick up on those sorts of nuances.

I can see using "shorthand" for discussing issues among people who understand. But not for addressing issues with the general public.