Your thoughts?

**amykhar** · #1 10-03-2001, 08:59 PM

Parents magazine ran an article in the October issue about families who stay together for the sake of the children. The slant of the story was that kids do better in a two parent household - even an unhappy one.

The author made a couple of interesting points about people in unhappy marriages. For one, the author claims that many people who stick it out end up being happy in the marriage after all. Others who chose divorce and single parenting ended up JUST as unhappy on their own.

http://www.parents.com/articles/family_time/4185.jsp

What do you all think?

Amy

**pluckyduck** · #2 10-03-2001, 09:56 PM

I completely and total agree except when (fill in any one of 14 billion exceptions that can happen in any relationship, since no two relationships are alike.)

I have, at times, stuck through many things with DH #1 and DH #2 because of the children. No kids with either DH? I would have been out the door, absolutely.

Furthermore, I don't have a single friend, married or divorced, who hasn't done the same thing. With the ones still married, they found a way to make it better and with the ones divorced, things just got worse.

Yeah, people shouldn't get divorced. It's better for the kids to have their two parents in a loving relationship. It's also better that parents don't drop dead, too, but you know, stuff happens that spins out of our control, doesn't it?

Andrea

**taurusmoon** · #3 10-03-2001, 10:15 PM

I have to say that my son was far better growing up a child of divorce than having to live out his childhood with the dysfunction that he was subjected to during the first few years of his life.

I was able to be a far better parent alone than I ever could have been in the situation we were in. Yeah, it was hard doing it alone. It was also damn rewarding.

Some marriages can't be fixed. Some marriages shouldn't be fixed. Sometimes a broken home is one that stays together.

Sara

#4 10-03-2001, 11:35 PM

Bull!

My parents were married for 21 years. 20 of them were miserable. They made each other miserable, and it was no secret that they were staying together for the children. A person who believes that they are responsible for another's unhappiness is never better off for it.

Finally, after 21 years of hating each other, they finally split. I was 15 at the time. Both my parents were happier people afterwards. And I was happier for it.

theeye · #5 10-04-2001, 12:32 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by amykhar
For one, the author claims that many people who stick it out end up being happy in the marriage after all. Others who chose divorce and single parenting ended up JUST as unhappy on their own.

The problem with this, of course, is that it's not a controlled study. They didn't take a bunch of unhappy married folks and randomly assign some to the "stick it out" group and others to the "break up" group and then quantify which group ended up better off. (I hope it's not really necessary for me to state whether I think that such a scientific study would be a good idea.)

The fact that many of those who stuck it out ended up being happy doesn't mean that those who didn't stick it out made the wrong decision. In lots of cases (and I don't mean only open-and-shut abuse cases), divorce is the best decision for everyone concerned.

That said, I do think that having kids has got to "raise the bar" as far as that decision goes. My husband frequently says (particularly when noting disapprovingly some people we know whose extramarital escapades are damaging not only their marriages, but their kids' lives as well) that "once you have kids, your own personal happiness becomes a secondary goal in life."

Divorce should never be an easy decision and especially not when kids are involved. And "the sake of the kids" is a very valid consideration in any major life decision (or, for that matter, in the day-to-day minor ones as well). But, as others have said, there are certainly cases where the welfare of the kids and parents alike is best served by divorce.

**pluckyduck** · #6 10-04-2001, 12:39 AM

Hey, I just re-read what I wrote and I'm not sure I worded myself very well. Maybe I've been off Epinions too long. Rather than edit it after it's been up for awhile, let me just clarify in case I actually said the opposite of what I meant.

What I was trying to say is:

Yeah, you give marriage and staying together as hard a try as you possibly can....anybody I know who has kids tries even harder. I don't know anyone with kids who has given up without working on the marriage as much as possible.

The ones who have stayed married stayed married because the turnaround, effort, whatever worked. The ones who have divorced, divorced because no matter how hard they tried (whether or not the spouse was trying), it still couldn't work.

As Grace has pointed out, there are many children survivors of horribly dysfunctional marital battlegrounds...and I wonder who is doing statistical studies on them.

Catch this quote from the article, claiming the reason for the majority of divorces:

Quote:

"The other 60 percent of couples say they're just not as happy as they would like to be," he says

I don't buy it, or at least I don't know those 60 percent. I can't think of anyone I know who has just shrugged a marriage away. The whole Parents article seems biased and loaded to me.

Andrea

cristina1 · #7 10-04-2001, 11:29 AM

I dont think this is a subject that you can lump the masses in together and make a decision about what is best. It needs to be looked at on an individual basis.

I agree with Andrea - I dont know anyone that just woke up one morning and said "Gee, my spouse is boring these days. Guess I'll get a divorce." Most people TRY HARD in marriage. They want to make it work. Whether it does or not is another story.

And sometimes staying together is NOT the best for the kids. I know kids that wished their parents would divorce. They couldnt stand the heated arguments, the tension in the house, the hate between their parents. I had one friend that couldnt stand to see her mother so hurt because the father constantly cheated on her. She began hating her mother for allowing it to go on.

I also know people that were torn apart by their parents' break-up.

It all comes down to differetn situations and the reactions the parents have to those situations.

KateTPZ · #8 10-04-2001, 06:39 PM

My thoughts are that there might be couples, with children, who divorce rather than try to work it out. But no one I know personally has done that. I certainly didn't.

My life is a lot harder as a single Mom with two boys than it was when I was married, especially financially. But it's better, I'm happier. I'm happier because I know my children are not growing up in a home filled with tension, with parents who share a home but not their lives, with a terrible example of what marriage and family life should be. Their Dad is a better Dad than he ever was when we were married. My children are better off all around.
It's not perfect - but it's better.

frazzledspice · #9 10-05-2001, 09:14 AM

I heard about this book a few months ago.

Every divorce is unique. There are many more divorces today than there were when I was growing up in the 1950's and 1960's.

I think the truth of that statement depends on the reason for the divorce. In cases of abuse, severe alcoholism or drug addiction, or constant fighting, I'm sure that divorce is probably better.

Even though many times these divorces are so acrimonious that there is more disruption than when the parents were married.

I do believe pretty strongly that some people, when faced with a crossroads in their marriages, decide to give up rather than move on together, and that, in many cases, it would be better if they moved on together. When they move on together, they should go to counseling or take some concrete steps to improve their relationship.

I've been married 31 years and no one can be married that long without facing a few crossroads along the way, but we've always managed to work through them. And I do think my kids (including the twelve year-old still at home) were better for it.

#10 10-05-2001, 09:49 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by frazzledspice
I think the truth of that statement depends on the reason for the divorce. In cases of abuse, severe alcoholism or drug addiction, or constant fighting, I'm sure that divorce is probably better.

In my parents case, there was little fighting. Honestly. They just rarely spoke. When they did, there took pot shots at each other. Snide words here and there on a regular basis was enough to make the entire situation one of venom, hatred, and unhappiness.

My parents specialized in passive-aggressive behavior. And because of it, we all grew up never really believing that they loved us or even cared that we were there.

**hadassahchana**[$] · #11 10-05-2001, 11:36 AM

What I get out of your post, though, Grace, is that your parents weren't lousy parents because of staying together, they were just bad parents, who would have been just as bad if they had divorced earlier. I don't know if that's true or not. However, in a few of the divorces I've been unfortunate enough to see, this was the case. The parents who divorced were just as angry and non-nurturing on their own as when they were in a bad marriage.

I agree with theeye when she said:

Quote:

that "once you have kids, your own personal happiness becomes a secondary goal in life."

That's true whether or not you stay or divorce. However, it seems to me that the kids who will do well do so because they have at least one outstanding parent (like Sara) rather than if they are raised in a two-parent home.

Cindy