<img src="http://sord.homestead.com/files/ks-99.jpg" align="left" hspace="5" width="100" height="128"> Dearest readers. I was fortunate enough to have a chance to visit Arizona recently, while filming footage for my What a Friend We Have in Cheeses campaign. They needed me to sing The Old Rugged Cheese Croissant on the edge of the Grand Canyon at dawn while standing on a large wedge of Laughing Cow. After we were done, Miguel drove me in my lovely fuchsia motorhome down to Phoenix where I was able to catch one of Epinion Addicts resident wits, and leader or the recent EBD rebellion, Ken Schwartz, better known to most as Sordid-1. He was incredibly busy with his grueling job at Sordco industries but I did manage to entice him to the local Tico’s Tacos for a pitcher of peach margaritas and a chat.
MNM: My dearest Ken, I may call you that?
S-1: Well, I've always preferred "Bucky, Lord of the Jungle", "The Amazing Sordini", or "Hey You, Ya Sexy Fez-Wearing Mofo", but "My Dearest Ken" shall suffice for the duration of this interview.
MNM: How did you come to adopt the name "Sordid-1"? Is it a reference to medieval weaponry? To lawn care?
S-1: Actually, I mistakenly chose the monicker "Sordid-1" because I initially thought Epinions was an electronic porn site catering to individuals with a "pinion" fetish (actually, I'm not so much into "pinions" as I am "racks", but that's another story.) Upon learning of the site's true nature, I tried to convince customer care to change my nick to something more suitable to my personality like "Mr_Sensitive_Man", "Never_Offensive", "CuddlyKittenGuy", "You'll_Like_My_Lance_A_Lot" or "Hoe_Master", but it was too late. "Sordid-1" has since been emblazoned upon my chest like a scarlet letter, bringing me shame and derision wherever I roam. They won't even allow me to change my member name to "Hester_Ken."
MNM: Rumor has it that you recently relocated here to Phoenix from the lovely town of Piggott, Arkansas. Is this true? Was this for professional or for family reasons?
S-1: This is true. In Piggott, I was merely an oddly-shaped and deviant fish in a redneck, carp-infested pond. Whereas in Phoenix, we have no ponds. We're in the middle of the stinking desert, for crying out loud! Aside from the obvious shame inherent in living in a town named "Piggott", I think small-town, Southern living was rapidly unraveling the already-thin strands of my sanity. I didn't want to raise my children in an atmosphere of cloyingly constrictive narrow-mindedness, and the longer I lived there, the more trapped I felt. Also, I was bitter about the Piggott School District's flat refusal of my suggestion that they change the high school's mascot to "The Herd." The Piggott Herd really has a nice ring to it, don't you think?
MNM: The ‘thundering herd’ has been taken. Given my experience of the small town South, I would suggest ‘the flatulent herd’ or perhaps ‘the herd mentality’. I am personally devastated by your relocation. Who will I get to be my tour guide for Piggott's Pioneer Days celebration should I ever be chosen as the featured entertainment?
S-1: I reckon one of the Johnson boys would be right proud to sally up and lend a hand. They don't get out much, though, cept'n when chasing down a runaway pig or buying chewing tobacee. Just be careful if one of them tells you that ya got a real purty mouth.
MNM: They sound like some of my cousins from up Kentucky way. Speaking of family, you have a spouse? Children? Are they active at Epinions or EA?
S-1: I do have a very lovely family who bring me much joy and fulfillment. My wife, Julie, is very active at Epinions. She runs multiple accounts under the names of "mangiotto", "hotcandy", "LadyCynic", and "rich2003dm." My three-year old son, Simon, is also very fond of Epinions, but his rigorous daycare schedule and addiction to "Rolie Polie Olie" only allow him time to run two accounts ("blackmonolith" and "SweetCeCe.") Finally, my one year-old daughter, Mara, is currently too short to reach the computer keyboard, but she has been indirectly involved in EA. Whenever an EA moderator irks me, I shave off all of my pubic hair, put it in a bag, and send Mara to the house of the unsuspecting mod to liberally sprinkle it into their cereal bowls and other assorted cookware, thus leaving the offending mod with a value-added bonus (low in nutrition, high in fiber) for his/her healthful, well-balanced breakfast. I would like to apologize to AmyKhar for the many times in the past she has had to shave her teeth, but I am now reformed (and my wife no longer allows me to encourage our children to commit felonies.)
MNM: But it is a time honored battle tactic to be sure. Speaking of battles, you were rather prominently featured in a recent one. When you're not leading bloody revolts against the pinheads of the world, what do you do with your time?
S-1: For accuracy's sake, I would like to point out that, technically, I have never led a bloody revolt. Thus far, I have only rallied the forces for bloodless coups, although I do hope to introduce violence into some of my future activities. Also, "pinheads" have not been the sole objects of my revolts. I have previously initiated revolutionary action against "morons", "no-account white trash", "anal-retentive prigs", and, of course, "dog blowers." In the future, I also intend to undertake insurrections against "dipshits", "butt-faced monkeys", and "the Dutch." Now I'm not a racist or anything, I just hate Dutch people. I am repulsed by their sick and untoward fetish for wooden shoes and their predilection towards tulip-worship. I am also currently investigating claims that they frequently stick their fingers in dykes. They're wrong for that, and after I lead the revolution I will bring order and decency to Holland, Belgium, Zaire, or wherever it is that the unseemly, disgusting Dutch people live. I may not know much about geography, but I know enough to understand that Dutch people suck. I despise the Dutch. What was the question again?
MNM: I’ll try to remember never to invite you and Xaviera Hollander or a mandrill to the same tea party. If you could change careers, what would you rather be doing? Does it involve stage performance?
S-1: While growing up, I always dreamed of being either a carpenter, a televangelist, or a gigolo to the stars. Dreams fade with time, though, and I have finally come to the realization that I will probably never become a successful carpenter or televangelist. Therefore, I have pinned my career aspirations onto the whole "gigolo to the stars" theme. I have not encountered much success yet, though I did once bed Jean Stapleton's great-niece. But I know that I have the natural talent and determination to succeed, so I am confident that with perserverance, hard work, and a little bit of luck, I will one day make Elizabeth Berkley squeal with delight and get paid copious amounts of cold, hard cash for doing so. I also take Visa, Mastercard, and American Express. I draw the line at Discover, however. Also, I would be willing to perform on a stage if paid extra. That is totally up to the discretion of my client.
MNM: I’m not sure I can get you Elizabeth’s number. I do have June Allyson’s available though. Just one word of advice, don’t sleep on the downstream side. In regards to the career that brought you to Epinions, do you ever aspire to be a professional humorous writer? You have the talent.
S-1: I appreciate your assertion that I have the talent to become a professional humorist, but I am unsure that "talent' is the primary component of success in that limited field, or in writing in general. I am a reasonably astute reader and I see more talent among the elite of Epinions than I do amongst the ranks of professional journalists. If an opportunity fell in my lap, I would run with it for all it was worth, but I think active pursuit of such an ambition might be best categorized under "pipe dream." Not to mention that that particular industry has been subjected to the infiltration and subversion of many insidious Dutch people. I would surely be "blackballed" once it was discovered how thoroughly the Dutch rankle my hide. I also believe that chasing success in this highly competitive and oversaturated career field would undermine my efforts to become the preferred gigolo to the stars (my true calling.) I am certain that Elizabeth Berkley needs a good round rogering, and I know that I am the man to give it to her. If I deprived her of that experience merely to chase my own personal writing dreams, I'm sure she would never forgive me (nor could I forgive myself.) I may choose to dabble in professional humor writing at some point in the future, but rest assured, it will not be at the expense of Elizabeth Berkley's sexual gratification.
MNM: How did you first become involved in Epinions and EA? Did it involve drawing "Binky" off of a matchbook?
S-1: It is my understanding that the ability to draw "Binky" from a matchbook cover is sufficient to obtain an engineering degree from universities in certain Midwestern states best known for sunflowers and aging politicians with widely publicized difficulties maintaining erections; however, Epinions neither requires nor encourages its members to have this or any other skill. I was initially introduced to Epinions by Julie's bestest buddy and a Piggott alumna, lecomte1. My fuzzy memory fails me as to why I joined EA, but I seem to recall that it was for nefarious purposes which have since been abandoned.
MNM: Which forums do you enjoy reading the most? Why?
S-1: I seldom venture outside Epinions Discussion and the other Epinions-related forums ("New and Noteworthy", "Rapping About Reviews", etc.) I'm not sure why that is, other than that none of the other forums have really captured my fancy. My fancy is a flighty and elusive thing, delicate yet nearly impervious to attack excepting a few minor chinks, kind of like Godzilla wearing a frilly blue chiffon dress and a codpiece. That is my fancy.
MNM: Who are some of your favorite epinionators? Do you have any favorite pieces you'd like to recommend?
S-1: There is so much talent floating around this geeky cyberspace wonderland that narrowing it down to just a handful seems almost a sin as it necessitates the exclusion of so many wonderful writers I hold in such high esteem. As far as the funniest writers onsite are concerned I would, without reservation, point new users towards nathsmom, Sloucho, Lobstergirl, mptang, and Hard_to_Please (this man is irreplaceable.) HTP's "Is That a Sock in Your Pants or Are You Just Glad to See Me?" (
http://www.epinions.com/content_20494192260 ) and Sloucho's "Masturbating With Spam" (
http://www.epinions.com/content_29770223236 )would give a good indication of the wildly creative comedic chops some of this site's members hold. Recently my sordid radar alert finally picked up on a butt-crunchingly funny lady named roxymarie whom I gladly recommend to one and all. I would also like to point out that I hate Jim Scileppi and he's not helpful to consumers.
MNM: I hear he uses cat effluvia in his cooking, especially in the potato salad. Do you make your own potato salad?
S-1: Potato salad is of the devil. All my greatest failures have been potato salad related, and I refuse to continue the cycle of potato salad addiction. Potato salad is wrong and I believe that anyone who eats potato salad should be summarily shot. Furthermore, I believe that people who deal potato salad should be subjected to several hours of treatment with Sloucho's Groinpuncher and then shot, summarily. Except Debbie Anderson. She seems nice and her hair smells terrific.
MNM: Does the fez obsession have anything to do with personal goals involving the Shriners?
S-1: Actually, my fez obsession was born from a pair of wombs, the first belonging to nathsmom. She wrote an absolutely hilarious essay entitled "Working Together Towards A Better Epinions (Well Not Really, Since It Was All My Idea)" (
http://www.epinions.com/content_922656900 ) wherein she suggested that Epinions "change the name 'Advisor' to 'Grand Poobah' then superimpose a fez on all GP's photos." This idea really resonated with me so I have done my part to ensure that all worthy Grand Poobahs are retro-fitted with fezzes and showcased on my Fez Page at
http://sord.homestead.com/files/index.htm. The second Fez womb was of the simian variety, belonging to the infamous and much-lamented Fez_Monkey. FM embodies all the finer qualities that the fez represents (humor, intelligence, disdain for false authority, low b.s. tolerance threshold, belligerence), and despite the public assertion of a certain Epinions employee, I have seen no convincing evidence that Fez_Monkey is a "shitbag." As much as I would like to associate myself with those super-cool Shriners, always zipping around in their tiny little cars and motorbikes wearing the snazziest headgear known to humankind, I must attribute my fezziness to nathsmom and Fez_Monkey.
MNM: What's your favorite curse word? Where did you learn it?
S-1: This is a very difficult question because there are so many truly excellent curse words and I use each and every one of them with great frequency. I don't think this is the proper forum to discuss such things, but I'll give you a hint: Sordid's all-time favorite curse word (as well as a favored activity) starts with an "f" and ends with an "uck." I hope I'm not being too vague, if anyone needs help ascertaining the content of my cryptic and purposely ambiguous message, please e-mail me as I will be glad to share it with you. I am also rather fond of "crikeys!", "ding dang", "shucks", and "for Pete's sake!" I cannot say with certainty where I learned these shocking vulgarities, though I think they were possibly hard-wired into my brain at birth. They just flow from my mouth that smoothly and naturally!
MNM: Your favorite activity involves a fire truck! How lovely. I hope they let you wear the hat and the boots. What advice do you have for those just beginning their career at Epinions?
S-1: First off, I would suggest to them that if they consider Epinions a "career" they have a very poor grasp of what a "career" is. This is play time, this is one giant electronic playground fully equipped with virtual jungle gyms, slides, swingsets, and strange-looking men lurking by the restrooms wearing raincoats and eyeing the festivities with bad intent. My primary suggestion would be to suck every last bit of fun out of your Epinions endeavors that you can, and strive to produce the best quality writing you can muster. There are a goodly number of individuals who seem to enjoy talking merely to hear the sound of their own voice. For what purpose? Have something to say and say it as well as you can. Also, I would suggest that all new Epinions women send Sordid-1 naked pictures of themselves, because I really enjoy naked women.
MNM: You are well known for your expertise with action figures. Do you have any particular sets you recommend? What do you recommend doing with them? Can amateurs try this at home?
S-1: I generally stick with the classics. The Mayberry Action Set and the Epinions Two-Point-Oh! Action Set have provided me with hours and hours of pure, unadulterated action figure bliss. However, as of late, I have thoroughly enjoyed the Wacky Taliban set, as well as an exciting new line of action figures called the Boogie Nights Action Set. They're anatomically correct! Regarding the additional questions about the skill level and utilization of the action sets, I would recommend that those with a genuine interest and dedication to the fine art of "How to Use Action Figures and Sets" read any of my advice from my days as a "How to Use Action Figures and Sets" Advisor (Self-Appointed) or, in the case of the Boogie Nights set, check into the Kama Sutra. Now you should ask me if I am the CEO of Sordco Industries.
MNM: You are the CEO of Sordco industries?
S-1: I refuse to answer that question.
MNM: I hear that Sordco has some interest in marketing a line of Mrs. Norman Maine action figures. I'm sure this will benefit the youth of today. What is your marketing strategy?
S-1: Sordco Industries regrets to inform you that due to a poor response from a limited release in the Shawnee, Kansas test market, the Mrs. Norman Maine Boomerific Glamour Doll has been discontinued. Since this item was in pre-production, however, it will still be sold under another product label. The action figure formerly known as the Mrs. Norman Maine Boomerific Glamour Doll is now being marketed under the Boogie Nights label as Fluff Girl #3.
MNM: Fluff girl? I’m going to be in marabou? Heavenly! Do you have any words of wisdom for all of our darling readers? How about for living legend musical comedy stars?
S-1: Yes, I have a few. Don't come here for the money, it doesn't exist. Don't come here for the hats, they are often used to cover empty heads. Put your best foot forward. Put your right leg in. Take your right leg out. Put your right leg in and shake it all about. Trample sacred cows. Stand your ground. Speak softly and carry a big whomp-um stick. Use gratuitous profanity. Treat others with respect until they prove they don't deserve it. Make disparaging remarks about Dutch people. Eat lots of blue pills. Wear a fez. Don't fill your prose with excessive pop culture references. Live long and prosper.
That's it for this week. Stay tuned to this space next week when I jet off to the Waldorf-Astoria to visit everyone's favorite lady with a New York state of mind, theeye!
EA Featured Reviewer for December 2nd 
When Poe ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
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