I think Santa Claus is a woman

[emeleel]

*I think Santa Claus is a woman*

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up
Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost in the snow and clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the
chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men.
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

[hypotenuse]

ROFL!!

Thanks Em!

Lynne

[poseidon]

No. Santa Claus was not and could not possibly be a woman.

Women can't carry heavy bags without a man. How could Santa Clausette move all those presents around, let alone get them in the sleigh?

Everyone knows women can't drive (yeah I'm ducking on that one! ). How could Santa Clausette possibly drive the sleigh to every house without getting into say, 30 or 40 thousand accidents? What if Rudolph's nose went out. Who would she ask to change out the bulb?

Santa Claus is a man because a woman couldn't possibly deliver the packages all in one night. There's just not enough time to get those presents delivered and stop off for potty breaks every five or ten minutes.

Santa Claus is a man because a woman wouldn't go down a filthy chimney.

Santa Claus is a man because he isn't afraid of chipping his fingernails on roofs and brickwork.

Santa Claus is a man because only men can eat 5,000,000 cookies in a given night. She's too worried over her "girlish" figure and would spend too much time waking up the adult males in every house asking, "Does this outfit make my butt look big?" Men would never get presents, because we wouldn't know how to answer the question.

Santa Clausette is lactose intolerant.

Santa Clausette wouldn't be caught dead picking up reindeer poop off of people's roofs. Plus those reindeer are smelly, icky things. Ewww. Santa Clausette would spend too much time using FDS on the reindeer and herself.

Santa Clausette wouldn't possibly get packages delivered every night. She would spend too much time cooing at the pretty ornaments on each one of the trees, and inspecting all the nice, pretty wrapping paper being very careful not to rip any edges, especially around the tape marks.

[kuuleimomi]

I'm all the way with you, Em.

Finn :fire:

[emeleel]

ROFL, Jeff, I presume that your beloved Michelle is NOT a member here at EA!

I've gotta send that in to the folks I got the original from!



P.S. I was just looking at the smilies list for the first time in while - how does Ander know he has a talk balloon named just for him? Hahahahahaha

Santa Claus is probably a man because only a man would wait until the absolute last minute to deliver all those presents on the same night... and then slack off the rest of the year.

Also, if a woman had a very long white beard, I think she wouldn't want to be seen in public or would try to profit from it in some carnival sideshow... so, once again, Santa's a guy.

[hypotenuse]

Women can't carry heavy bags without a man. How could Santa Clausette move all those presents around, let alone get them in the sleigh?

That's what elves are for.

So there.

Lynne

[AdaDavis]

Originally posted by emeleel
*I think Santa Claus is a woman*


Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

No, no! The male reindeer lose their horns during the winter, so all of the one's pulling the sleigh are female. Santa must be a man, because he sits in the sleigh letting eight women do all of the work. (And BTW, reindeer are the only females in the world to whom you can say : "Whoo, boy! Nice set of racks you got there, girl!" without getting slapped.)

Santa must also be a man because he lands on the roof and goes down the chimney. A woman would go through the door like sensible folk.

Ada

[thinkerlady[$]]

"Everyone knows women can't drive"

You better duck on that one Jeff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[kurt_messick]

Santa is a woman -- sounds reasonable to me.

In a world where the resurrection of a carpenter is celebrated by a male rabbit who lays eggs, anything is possible...

[magenta321]

Wait, Tipu is a woman? Wow. That's new to me.

Oh well, I've seen it the other way on Epinions, people pertending to be women that were men. This is the first time I have heard it the other way around though.