Lord of the Rings diaries: Secret no longer | |
Someone sent this to me. It's long, but funny, if you remember the trilogy pretty well.
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THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN
Day One: Ringwraiths disembodied: 4. V. good. Met up with Hobbits. Walked
forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it. Still not King.
Day Four: Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying. Not King
yet.
Day Six: Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged
and manly. Yes! Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back. Still
not King.
Day Ten: Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria. Big Balrog.
Not King today either.
Day Eleven: Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy. Legolas
may be hotter than me. I wonder if he would like me if I was King?
Day 28: Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if
I make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.
Still not King.
Day 30: In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench. Nice
chat with Boromir. He's not so bad. Took a shower. Yay! But still not King.
Day 32: Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy. Legolas told me
that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind. I think Legolas
might be kinda gay. Nope, not King.
Day 33: Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good. Boromir killed by Orcs.
Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was
very definitely gay. Not so sure about Gimli either. RIP Boromir. Still not
King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might however have been
blood loss.
Day 34: Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with
him. Why? My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me? Not so sure about
me either. Still not King, goddammit.
THE SECRET DIARY OF LEGOLAS, SON OF THRANDUIL
Day One: Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to
follow some tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very
important mission - gold ring so tacky.
Day Four: Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner
plate all the time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk
on snow insisted we climb back down. Am definitely prettiest member of the
Fellowship. Go me!
Day Six: Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very
afraid I am developing a tangle. Orcs so silly. Still the prettiest.
Day Ten: Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a
spot on my nose. V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for
500 years or more. Still prettiest, despite blasted spot.
Day Eleven: In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me. Also,
am quite sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same look at
least 1,000 years ago. Silly bint. She was most annoyed that I used her
mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath. I choose to ignore her claim
that my hair clogged her drain. Not one strand of my hair has fallen out in
800 years, why would it start now? Still prettiest by far.
Day 30: All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion. Aragorn
obviously starting to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam will kill him if
he tries anything. Still the prettiest.
Day 33: Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as
already have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite.
Day 35: Boromir dead. Very messy death, most unnecessary. Did get kissed by
Aragorn as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around
here to get any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me. Cannot
understand it. Am feeling a pout coming on. Frodo off to Mordor with Sam.
Tiny little men caring about each other, rather cute really. Am quite sure
Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so can see advantages
there, but chunky braids and big helmet most offputting. Forsee dark times
ahead, very dark times.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF BOROMIR OF GONDOR
Day One: Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual.
He thinks he's so great because he's shagging that bit of elf crumpet on
the side. I mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined
muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn't mean that. . .
. what? Got distracted there for a bit. Seem to have agreed to go on some
sort of mission while distracted by Aragorn's enormous. . . rudeness. Ooops.
Day Three: Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.
Day Four: Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give
it back. Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved
right up his. . . Stupid Ring.
Day Five: Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo. Ha Ha!
Ha! Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day Six: Aragorn still into Frodo."Boromir, give the Ring back to Frodo."
"Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras." "Boromir, quit trying to cut
off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can get at the Ring." Blatant
favoritism most annoying.
Day Ten: Why isn't Aragorn into me ?
Day Eleven: Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria. Kind of liked it,
actually. Hope am not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle
Windermere. Not after what happened to *him*. Merry and Pippin are cute
little things, too. . . In other news, Gandalf died.
Day 30: In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted
to my rugged yet unwashed manliness. Legolas took a bath in her fountain.
Got in trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy git. Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also,
he has spot on his nose. Aragorn suggested we take baths as well. Only
realized in nick of time he did not mean with each other. Stupid Aragorn.
Day 33: Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won't even let me look at it.
Must admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it.
Rolled around on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have a little
cuddle (made easier when he punched me in the face). Aragorn would be
jealous. Ha!
Day 35: Killed by orcs. Stupid orcs.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF FRODO BAGGINS:
Day One: Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap. Also,
Sam gave me fabulous backrub and bubble bath. Platonic, brotherly love so
wonderful. Wasn't quite entirely sure why he needed to suck on my toes, but
am assured it has something to do with Elf medicine.
Day Three: Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a
bad move.
Day Four: Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up
Mount Caradhras. Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank. Boromir bit Aragorn
on the ear. Ring must be affecting them more seriously than I thought.
Day Six: Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my shirt. He must
be after the Ring. Damn its siren call. Ah well, Sam will kill him if he
tries anything.
Day Ten: Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his bow. Was
stunned. Had no idea Legolas wanted the Ring too. It must truly be an
object of awesome power.
Day Eleven: Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do. Apparently
pointy wizard hat not just for show. Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or
perhaps he is just v. peculiar.
Day 24: Finally feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to
find me and pinch me as he has been doing lately. Gandalf fell into shadow.
Was sad to see pointy hat go.
Day 27: Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring,
but she kept saying,"No, there's something else I'd rather have from you,
Frodo Baggins," and trying to slide foot up inside my breeches. So, gave
her my extra pair of breeches since she seemed fond of them. Maybe some
kind of breeches shortage in Lothlorien.
Day 30: Rowed all day in boats. V. tired. Merry and Pippin offered to give
me a group massage. Nice to have such v. concerned friends. Glad Ring is
not affecting them. Although did not need back rubbed quite so much, nor
other parts. Pippin does remember we're cousins, right? Right?
Day 33: Boromir tried to take the Ring. Am not entirely certain, but am
fairly sure he also tried to have a little cuddle. Was most unnerving, as
Boromir quite huge.
Day 36: Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor. Sam
coming too. Good thing, as will enable me to have more of those platonic,
brotherly foot massages he's so good at. Am sad to leave rest of Company
though, as found myself quite fancying the idea of shagging Gimli. Chunky
braids and huge helmet quite a turn-on. Ah, well, he never would have liked
me anyway.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SAMWISE GAMGEE
Day One: Frodo stabbed by Morgul blade. Oh no! Pippin cried. Told Pippin it
would be all right as Mr. Frodo far too hot to die. Did I say that out loud?
Day Three: Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him.
Gandalf told me to help poor unconscious Mr. Frodo get out of dirty
clothes. So took clothes off him and gave him a bath. And another one. Then
gave him another bath. Gandalf came and told me six baths was quite enough,
Samwise Gamgee. Poncy old git probably hasn't taken a bath since the Second
Age.
Day Four: Wonder if it is time for Mr. Frodo to have another bath yet.
Day Five: Elf bubble bath v. colorful and pretty. Gandalf no fun at all.
*sulk*
Day Six: Mr. Frodo awake! Is doing well although also seems concerned as to
why his fingers are all wrinkled. Decided not to tell him about all the baths.
Day Seven: Snuck into Council of Elrond. Frodo offered to take Ring to
Mordor. Mr. Frodo is so brave, handsome, tall and wonderful! Okay, so
possibly isn't all that tall.
Day Eight: Off to Mordor. Other members of Fellowship v. dodgy if you ask
me. Especially Boromir."Teaching Merry and Pippin how to sword-fight" my
Aunt Lobelia. Obviously pervy hobbit-fancier who likes to roll around with
small men in shorts.
Day Nine: Aragorn just as pervy as Boromir. Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo.
Will kill him if he tries anything.
Day Ten: V. dark in Mines of Moria. Used flat edge of sword to whack
Aragorn every time he tried to pinch Mr. Frodo in the dark. Gandalf fell
into bottomless pit. Mr. Frodo said something later about pointy wizard
hat, but did not understand it as am innocent young hobbit from Shire not
versed in wordly ways. Pippin says Legolas is shagging Gimli. Ick.
Day Fifteen: Lothlorien v. pretty. Blonde elf lady absolutely hitting on
poor Mr. Frodo left, right and center. Pippin agrees. Told Pippin height
difference would make relationship impossible. Pippin said Mr. Frodo could
stand on stilts. Hate Pippin.
Day Twenty-Two: Leaving Lothlorien. Bye-bye grabby elf lady. Not sure where
going exactly, but is obviously somewhere water-related, as have been given
boats. Do not care really as long as get to share boat with Mr. Frodo.
Day Twenty-Three: Boromir finally acted on pent-up lust for Mr. Frodo. Got
shot down of course (hurrah! ) but not before made spectacle of himself.
Claims was trying to take Ring so as to rule world and bring down evil, but
we all know that's a big fib don't we.
Day Twenty-Four: Boromir killed by orcs. Knew orcs good for something.
Frodo off to Mordor. Taking me along, hurrah! Mr. Frodo needs cheering up
as seems inexplicably sorry to say goodbye to Gimli, as well as is
depressed and claims is now sure he will die a virgin in the barren
wastelands of the Dark Lord's realm. We will see about that.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GANDALF THE GREY
Day One: In Shire. Stunning vista of innocent and pastoral beauty. Is it
me, or was Frodo just hanging around in that field masturbating before I
came along?
Day Two: Bilbo's Birthday Party improved by substantial amount of hobbit
weed. Everyone sho nice. Bilbo nice too. Lights sho pretty. Frodo not bad
either. Hobbits sho cuddly. Whups. Fell over.
Day Three: Massive fecking hangover. Off to Minas Tirith for some aspirin.
Day Twelve: Went to Saruman for advice about Ring but he had become evil.
Nobody tells me anything. Apparently there was a memo. Radagast the Brown
probably stealing paper out of my inbox again.
Day Thirteen: Stuck on top of tower. Great view, but constant pelting sleet
ot good for pointy hat. Am amusing self by spitting gum down on the Orcs.
Day Fourteen: Visited again by Saruman who tried to grab a feel. As if!
Day Sixteen: Am lonely. Saruman maybe not so unattractive after all. If nly
were not for giantly flaring nostrils and huge clawlike fingernails.
. okay you'd think I might have figured out he was evil before.
Day Nineteen: Escaped. Am in Rivendell. Sam slightly out of control. Keeps
iving Frodo baths. Elves all out of strawberry-scented soap now. Elrond
getting annoyed.
Day Twenty: Elrond has decided to send Frodo away as is tired of never
being able to get into the first-floor bathroom. Big folderol about Ring.
Have agreed to go with Fellowship in case Sam might decide to give ME a
bath. Could use one.
Day Twenty-One: Aragorn obviously into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries
anything. Asked Sam to give me a bath. He said,"Ha ha, Mister Gandalf,
you're not serious." Useless git.
Day Twenty-Three: V. cold on top of Caradhras. Aragorn won fight about who
got to carry Frodo up the mountain. Boromir sulking. If Legolas keeps
nancying about on top of the snow, may have to hit him with my staff.
Day Twenty-Five: Do not want to go through Mines of Moria, as suspect
Balrog still angry about bad date we went on back in Second Age.
Day Twenty-Six: In Mines of Moria. Yep, Balrog still angry.
Day Twenty-Seven: Fell into shadow. Balrog such a prat. Had to do some
quite unspeakable things before he would let me leave the caverns. Have
decided not to tell the rest of Fellowship. Will make up story about having
engaged in huge battle instead. Off to see Elrond to get quite unpleasant
third degree burns in embarrassing places treated. Hope Elrond does not
laugh at me. If he does, will tell everyone about his dirty weekend with
Sauron. Ha!
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF PEREGRIN TOOK
Day One: Was out pilfering vegetables when bumped into Sam and Frodo. Had a
nice little roll around with Frodo in corn before was forcibly removed by
Sam. Must have word with Frodo about letting servants get overly familiar
and grabby. Fell down hill. Merry v. disappointed that he broke his carrot.
After he found one that was just the right shape, too.
Day Two: V. nice in Rivendell. Sick of rooming with Sam though. Constantly
sopping wet and reeking of strawberries. Also tired of elves mistaking me
for unusually lifelike lawn ornament.
Day Three: Joined Fellowship of Ring for a lark. Everyone v. nice except
Legolas seems a bit testy. Yesterday held me upside down over crevasse
until I admitted he was the prettiest elf in the Fellowship. Did not feel
like pointing out he was only elf in Fellowship, as crevasse was very deep.
Day Seven: Has been twenty-five days since met Aragorn and he has not yet
washed his hair. Is really starting to bother me.
Day Nine: Sam all wrong about Boromir. Really very nice man. Invited me to
go for a walk with him tonight and said he would let me blow his Horn of
Gondor. Can't wait. Later that night: Always thought blowing the Horn of
Gondor was supposed to summon armies of the West? Apparently not. V.
educational, all the same.
Day Eleven: V. dark in mines of Moria. Still sort of a relief as means
Boromir cannot corner me and complain how Aragorn is insensitive, stuck up
git with hobbit fixation. Pot calling kettle black if you ask me. Aragorn
obviously way into Frodo, however. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day Thirteen: Caught Legolas waxing soles of Aragorn's boots, thus
explaining why Aragorn keeps collapsing into his arms. Tricky elf. Aragorn
still hasn't washed his hair.
Day Fourteen: Gandalf dead. Everyone morose. In attempt to cheer up
Fellowship, Legolas took off all his clothes and performed scenes from
Silmarillion: The Musical. Everyone still morose. Legolas ponced off to
have 3,000-year-old elf prince sulk.
Day Fifteen: Lothlorien v. pretty. Accidentally walked in on Gimli taking a
bath. Now understand what Gandalf meant about there being scarier things
than Orcs. And was that Aragorn hiding under all the bubbles? May have
nightmares for weeks.
Day Sixteen: Aragorn washed his hair. Hurrah. Maybe it really was him under
all the bubbles.
Day Twenty: Boromir wrote me a poem. Merry says I am leading him on. Of
course, Merry also says I cry like a girl. Merry a total bastard most of
the time, actually. Poem not very good. Did not rhyme. Feel slighted.
Day Thirty: Told Boromir I did not feel ready to commit, so he went and got
himself shot by Orcs. Honestly. Humans so oversensitive sometimes. Have
been kidnapped by Uruk-hai. Not very friendly types. Merry says we may have
to shag our way out of captivity. Suspect Merry looking forward to it,
useless wassock. Orcs v. smelly. Suddenly miss Boromir.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SARUMAN THE WHITE
Day One: Am bored. No cable in Isengard. Nothing to do but write rude
anonymous letters to Radagast the Brown and Manfred the Slightly Ecru.
Perhaps will have a look at the palantir.
Day Two: Have met v. nice guy via palantir. He seems to really like me for
me and not just because am most powerful wizard in Middle Earth. Wonder
what he looks like.
Day Three: Am becoming disenchanted with palantir guy. Refuses to send me
photo, except of one v. large eyeball. Says he is shy but I rather suspect
he is fat, or perhaps hairy. Have heard some v. bad stories about palantir
relationships. Should probably cool it for a while.
Day Seven: Well, wouldn't you know, palantir guy turned out to be Dark Lord
of Mordor. Just my luck. Could have been worse, I guess. Sauron not far or
hairy, just disembodied force of evil. Must go now, have to raise massive
demon army to scourge the earth. Also, have manicure appointment. Is no
easy task keeping nails pointy.
Day Nine: Typical. Gandalf just came waltzing by and he knows I hate
drop-ins. Wanted to yap on and on all about the ring he gave his new
boyfriend, terrible pervy hobbit-fancier old Gandalf is. Disgrace to the
Order. Just wants to show off and remind me that he's got a hobbit, and I'm
just dating an eyeball. Well, Saruman the White does not stand for this
treatment. Showed him my Wizard Wrestling Federation moves. Have delivered
smackdown. Go me.
Day Thirteen: Am tired of climbing up and down eight million stairs just to
taunt Gandalf. Should have imprisoned him in easy-access dungeon where
could taunt more effectively, and would not have to wait until after
breakfast.
Day Fourteen: All right, who's been spitting gum down on the orcs? Honestly.
Day Fifteen: Was right in middle of really good taunt and Gandalf escaped.
Ah well. Will save me daily stair climb.
Day Sixteen: Have been watching in palantir. Gandalf faffed off on
extending camping trip with four hobbits, a v. buff elf, and rather
fanciable human -- oh bother, that's Aragorn son of Arathorn. Once threw
him out of Isengard for whinging about not being King yet. Then there's a
shady-looking character and some kind of hairy newt. Or maybe it's a dwarf.
What a bunch of yobbos.
Day Twenty: Have crossed orcs with goblin men in caverns below Isengard. V.
tedious experience as orcs and goblin men most reluctant to breed, even
with dinner and flowers. Next time will try something easier, such as
breeding goblins and cheerleaders to create super-perky army that can
travel by day and will not complain about pink uniforms.
Day 22: Did not know when decided to make demon army for Sauron that would
be so darn messy. Curse my decision to be Saruman the White. Should have
decided to be Saruman the Muddy Brown, or Saruman the Faintly Greenish.
White just shows all the slime.
Day 24: If keep watching in palantir, perhaps will see Gandalf do pointy
hat trick?
Day 25: Gandalf did pointy hat trick! Ringbearer v. impressed. Aragorn
obviously fancies trousers off the Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he
tries anything.
Day 25: Hairy newt is most definitely dwarf. Caught him playing
hide-the-helmet with one of the hobbits. Other human seems to be Boromir of
Gondor. Am I only one who has long wanted to ride to Minas Tirith and tell
Steward that "Gondor" sounds just like "gonad" and they should find less
silly name? Perhaps it is just me.
Day 28: Uruk-hai nearly ready to go. Watched Fellowship a bit today.
Boromir convinced smallest hobbit to"Blow the Horn of Gondor." Have not
laughed so hard since set Balrog up with Gandalf during Second Age and
Gandalf stuck Balrog with restaurant bill. Palantir great. Better than cable. |
They might prove interesting. I got the idea Sauron really wanted Frodo, but was afraid Sam ...
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