Successful marriages

[Redlass]

This is a summary of an article about what makes a marriage successful:

http://www.globalideasbank.org/wbi/W...L?rateaccept=8

What do you think?

It reminds me of some of the stuff in the book Fighting for your marriage that David/Grouch recommended awhile ago.

[kurt_messick]

I could probably agree with all of these. Of course, I'm not basing that on direct, personal experience

[ms_n]

My marriage ended in divorce. Thus, I am not qualified to definitively say yay or nay. However, it does seem that these qualities or practices promote an environment of care and love for one another. And, that - to love one another - is, after all, what we are commanded to do.

[pluckyduck]

Very wise. Very, very wise.

High standards
Yep. Absolutely. You bet. Refusing hurtful behaviors. The hurt hangs on for a long, long time.

A hurtful behavior can be dirty fighting (pet peeve of mine) or taking something out on your spouse that doesn't belong there. I do my best to refuse to act that way, or to refuse to accept it when DH does.

Bad habit DH has (not that I have any ) .... if he has a bad day, I can get in the car and he'll be grumping all over me. Just last night I called him on it... I don't do that to you, don't do it to me. I'll go along to get along, but if something hurts me, I'm not going to sit around nursing my wounds and letting resentment build up. I want more for both of us.

"'Marriages which worked well had one thing in common - the willingness of the husband to give way to the wife"

Oh boy, we're in trouble. Doesn't work out like that!

Actually, for us, I'm the one who gives most of the time. Doesn't bother me, because, the things that are really important to me, he'll usually give on. Picking out the kitchen cabinets...he said, anything you want, just not white. I said great, but you get to decide how much money we spend on this. Stop me, because you know I'll get out of control.

We do a pretty good job of not having power struggles...but I have to say, that comes from me giving most of the time. (It really is giving, in the true sense of the word. I like giving to him!)

"Wives in particular can escalate a conflict by making angry or dramatic remarks in a confrontational way."



I've nothing to say to that.

Andrea

[Magick1]

hubby and I have been together now over 12 years, married 5 1/2. We have a wonderful, complimentary life.

We have worked together for about 6 years, at the same company, and still managed to make things beautiful! People always ask us how we can be married, so loving to each other, and work together and not kill each other. Heck, a lot of people at the place we work now, didn't know we were married because we are "so professional" together at work.

Until someone introduced us as the "married couple that works together", we had a pretty good racket going!

My hubby and I helped train new phone (CS) representatives. The lead trainer started to introduce us as the married training couple! Seems like people opinions of us changed more to awe, after that! (We were kind of like zoo animals on display after that!)

[frazzledspice]

My sister had a disastrous first marriage, and her ex-husband, who died of a heart attack at age 49, was always quite a bit of a bully.

Surprisingly, after they divorced, he met someone who wouldn't take any guff from him. They were together until he died.

My niece, his only child, also learned that she had to stand up to him from the beginning. Because she did, he adored her and they had a good relationship.

If my sister had had high standards about the kind of behavior that was unacceptable from Day 1, he might have actually been an entirely different kind of husband to her.

[murasaki]

Very good points.

"Fighting for Your Marriage" is an excellent book, especially for helping couples not sabotage their relationship with negative behavior.

I also like "Love Between Equals" (originally published as "Peer Marriage by Dr. Pepper Schwartz) because it addresses traditional and near-peer marriages where the husbands make the majority of the decisions because they bring home the only or bigger paycheck. It's all about power.

--naomi

[Redlass]

I'll have to look for that book, Naomi, it sounds wonderful. I have to confess, though, after I bought Fighting FOR your marriage, my husband sort of raised his eyebrows and said, "Is there something you're wanting to tell me? I thought everything between us was great."

I had to assure him that I didn't think otherwise, but rather I was interested in protecting what we have.

Marianne, sounds like you're spot on with your sister. Rick and I have been married for nine years, but we dated for seven years before that. The first few years were nearly disastrous and part of that was my willingness to accept whatever he threw. He found that boring, I was resentful, and we broke up many, many times. After three years of not speaking to each other (naw, we're not stubborn ), we got back together and I had gained enough confidence to stick up for myself (which is not, mind, saying that my husband is a bully, he's not). We haven't parted since then.

"Wives in particular can escalate a conflict by making angry or dramatic remarks in a confrontational way."

Man, did I cringe at that one! Rick's gotten really good at calling me on it though. The last time we had a disagreement (I still think I was right ), I let rip with a sarcastic comment. He stopped right there, looked at me and said, "Bridgette, don't start. You're provoking an argument." After taking a deep breath, I agreed and we brought it back down to a discussion. Not an easy thing to do, though, and that's definitely something I'm really bad about.

[whatever22]

Sheesh, what a list! I don't think I could follow a single thing on there. Arguments are my specialty and would be especially hard to let go of. :p