Finding Happy - A Letter to Myself

**amykhar** · #1 09-07-2006, 10:47 PM

Finding happy isn’t easy.
It’s not in a man.
It’s not in a child.
It’s not in money or a big house or a nice car.
It’s somewhere in you.

Shush. You know it’s true. It’s in there.

And here’s the best part.

You can have it with the wrong man.
You can have it with no children or too many children or children who don’t meet your expectations.
You can have it in a tiny, ugly apartment and even riding the bus.
It’s in you.

And stop sitting there saying that it’s easy for me to say because I have a nice house, the perfect family and a great job. Hah! We all know that ain’t the case, I’m the one who heats bath water on the grill after not paying the gas bill, remember?

But, here’s another cool thing. Once you find happy, other good stuff finds you too.

Your man will be better.
Your kids will be easier to deal with (or their absence won’t be so big a hole.)
You’ll start to find ways to make your house homey and yours.
And, you’ll find that keeping the happy you find is easier than digging for it the first time.

Yes, I know life is pretty shitty. People die before they’re supposed to. There’s never enough money. Other people drive like lunatics and ruin your day before you even get to work. Or, you don’t have a job and you’re bored and want something fulfilling to do. Life sucks. I know that.

But, you can still find happy.

Take a deep breath. Stop thinking about all the reasons why happy just isn’t in your future. Stop it, I said.

Go ahead and take another deep breath. Let it out.

Now, think about the last time something really Awful happened in your life. Remember how horrible it felt? Remember how scared you were?

You got over it didn’t you? And the awful thing before that and the awful thing before that. I don’t care how many Awful things there were. Eventually, you go past them or you died. (And if you’re dead and reading this, COOL! Leave a comment and let me know what happens after you’re dead and if the shitty stuff in your life matters now. I’d really like to know.)

Now, you’ve remembered that shit happens and it goes away.

Take another deep breath. Let it out.

That man in your life may be one of your Awful things. That not having a baby or having too many babies or having the wrong babies may be your Awful thing. Can you change it?

Can you dump that man?
Can you change the kid thing?
Can you make your house nicer, even in the smallest way?
Can you take the tiniest step toward getting the car you want?
Can you?

No?

The man has all the money and you can’t leave?
You don’t have enough money or the right doctors or the ability to travel back in time and get a prescription for birth control?

O.K. I won’t argue with you about that then. You can’t change that Awful thing in your life.

But, you know from experience that Awful doesn’t last forever.
Awful doesn’t last forever.

Deep breath again. Awful does not last forever. Never has. Never will.

And if Awful doesn’t last forever, the thing is to take one tiny step toward making it go away. One tiny step toward dealing with it and getting over it.

I know. I know. I’ve never been great at this tiny step stuff myself. I like big, bold plans and changes and ACTION dammit. I know.

I want a nice house NOW.
I want a cool car and kids who do what I tell them to and I want Sean Connery to propose marriage. Or at least talk to me sexy at night in the dark so I can pretend he’s not old.
Those things will make me happy and I want them NOW.

Yeah, right.

Those things won’t make you happy.
Happy isn’t going to be found in a lottery ticket or a quick fix.

Happy, you see, is baby steps.

It’s the gradual understanding that if that man goes or stays or changes or doesn’t that he is not important enough to be bitter about.
You can deal because Awful does not last forever.

Internalizing those words has a power that I can’t begin to convey to you until you feel it.

Awful doesn’t last forever.

Awful may last for four years. It may mean eating macaroni and cheese until you can’t stand the sight of it anymore and it may mean never having money to pay that damn gas bill. It may mean looking at a man every morning and just wanting to knock him upside the head with a flat-iron.

But, one day, you’re going to wake up and you’re going to take that deep breath and you’re going to understand that you can get past this bit of Awful in your life.

And, you’re going to take that tiny step. You’re going to forget to feel angry about the S.O.B. who left you and you’re going to have a tiny spark of interest in the nice guy you met the other day. Or, you’re going to realize that not having to justify your decisions to somebody else is pretty damn cool and you like living on your own.

Some day, all those kids will be in school, or you’ll decide that even if they aren’t honor students and star athletes that their failures are not your failures and you can’t let their Awful become your Awful. Or, maybe you’ll take a tiny step toward getting to know your kids and maybe they’ll see that you are starting to understand them. Maybe they’ll come to understand you.

Because that is the true miracle of finding happy. When you start to find it in yourself, others see it in you. And, if you’re happy and not worrying about their shit, they’ll start to realize that they can’t control you with their moods. One of two things will happen. They’ll go away or they’ll start treating you differently.

You’re calmer. They’re calmer. It’s a circle that grows and builds.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. Awful will come back. But, when it does, take that deep breath right away this time. Don’t wait four years to do it. Take that one, big deep breath and do the tiniest thing you can do to put that Awful in your past.

Happy ain’t all that difficult to find after all.

It just takes a bit of practice and a bit of faith in you.