Am I a PC expert?
Heck no. I'm just a regular old run-of-the-mill smartass. Over time, I've gotten to learn what makes things tick, what works best in what situations, and I've made a buck or two off of it. I don't like to waste my time, and I assume that people don't want their time wasted for them, either.
But, hey, I'm willing to share all my little tricks and secrets. Once upon a time, I was new to the biz, too. It was frightening, terrifying, and confusing to me back then, but I hunkered down and learned from a patient and wise mentor.
If you want to know how these emerging and confusing technologies inside that strange box on your desk really work, please feel free to read on.
The common wisdom about printer toner cartridges simply isn't true. Toner cartridges in printers do not contain micro-fine specks of material that are attracted to charged roller drums and then rolled on to the paper. The truth is that printers act like kidneys, filtering out all the garbage data, porn, and other useless bits of information. These granular bits of information are swept out of the network or computer and are then transferred to the printer. Useful information is sorted out and ground up for transfer to the paper. Useless information is caught by the toner cartridge and stored in its case. When a printer is full of this stuff, the toner cartridge must be replaced with an empty one.
Every now and then, you can extend the life of the toner cartridge by shaking it so that you pack in all the databits and free up some room.
Many people are confused by the various types of software:
- Freeware is software that never works, shareware is software you never pay for.
- Crippleware is software that is completely useless compares to the commercial version.
- Licenseware is any software that you buy for a specific number of uses so that by the time you learn how to use the software you've run out of uses.
- Concurrent licenses are good for situations where you want to make that last person trying to run the software wait until you're finished using it to make neat wallpaper.
- Commercial software is the stuff you get free copies of from your friends.
The reason why your computer is so slow is because in the background, it is playing Solitaire while you're working. Some experts claim that if you run Solitaire and play for a while, it will do all the work in the background for you.
The truth is that your computer won't do all the work in the background for you. Instead, it will just play Minesweeper and it will run even slower.
Networks have been designed so that instead of having computers crash at unpredictable times, the servers can easily determine opportunities for widespread crashes and system outages. Printers, scanners, and other devices can be put on the network so that when some knucklehead breaks the equipment, nobody can use it all at once.
Files can be shared over a network so that your coworkers and bosses can make unnecessary changes to them. By placing them on the network, the system administrator can forget to run backups on them. A tape drive is especially useful for reminding someone that they forgot to run backups after a file has been lost.
The purpose of a modem is to let your computer experience the same frustration busy signals you experience when you try to call someone. Most modems have fax capability, which means that you will use all of your computer's resources to try to figure out if you should count the cover page as a page or not.
Handheld computers and PDAs (Personal Digital Assistants) are meant to cause their bearer to feel guilty that they do not use them more often to help them organize their affairs. Every new contact, phone number, appointment, and note that fails to get entered into the PDA is an opportunity to feel further guilty that the person is unable to keep their shit straight.
As PDAs become more advanced, they will sport more and more features that you will become increasingly annoyed that you do not use them on a regular basis. The ability to store music clips, play back stolen music files, and synchronize with your files is extremely handy if you had the patience to keep yourself organized to the point where you could allow such things to automatically happen in the background.
The purpose of wireless networking and Infrared communications is to replace an unsightly tangle of cables and connectors with an unseen tangle of packet collisions, data errors, and protocol conflicts. The amount of time saved by not having to plug everything in is in direct proportion to the amount of time you lose trying to figure the darned wireless stuff out. The easier a wireless technology is to configure, the quicker the equipment breaks.
On-site technical support for applications is best provided when the individual requiring help is seated at the computer and the technician is located behind them. This allows the following to take place:
- The person requiring assistance gets hands-on experience in solving the problem
- The technician doesn't feel trapped by the person needing assistance
- The person requiring assistance builds up their confidence
- The person requiring assistance can take notes
- The technician can point out various things on the screen easily
- The person requiring assistance can answer their phone if it is an emergency
- The technician can refer to notes or a script while they assist the person
- The person requiring assistance can't attack with their teeth or razor-sharp nails if their document is lost
- The technician can easily use a keyboard extender or mouse cord to strangle extremely stupid persons requiring assistance
- The technician can easily look down the person's blouse
Response time for a technician to arrive is greatly reduced by the size and quality of the person's cleavage, although the quality of service is greatly reduced.
If you open the case of a computer, you will see that it is mostly empty space. The components barely take up 10% of the volume of the system, and what you're buying is really a lot of air. Because of this, you ought to demand a 90% discount on your desktop computer. This is primarily the reason why laptops of the same caliber of desktop are so darned expensive… they contain far less air per volume of system and you get more actual computer for your dollar.
As you increase the size of a monitor, you reduce the amount of time lost due to eyestrain. As a consequence of getting a larger monitor, though, you will increase the amount of time lost due to back strain from lifting the heavier monitor. These two variables are inversely proportional and based on a constant. The constant is currently out of the office, so please leave a message after the tone.
Flat-panel monitors are designed to use less power than standard monitors. This way, you can turn the speakers up, run a few more devices, and overload your power strip in other interesting ways.
The purpose of a screen saver is to eliminate the risk of burn-in to your monitor from your spreadsheets and word processing and e-mail. Instead of these risks, all new risks of burn-in damage are now possible through well-designed virtual aquariums, stills from your favorite movies and television series, and erotic multimedia clips that have been designed to more efficiently ruin your monitor.
A UPS is an uninterruptible power supply, which gives battery power to your system during power spikes and glitches. This is so that your work can be saved right without losing any data before the power is completely lost from your system. Furthermore, the system is kept up and running so that the power surge through the outlet doesn’t damage it, because it's important that you receive all surges and overloads through the modem port and card.
Floppy drives are in your computer so that you can introduce computer viruses into your system. That way, you can lose your work more efficiently than if you were trusted to do it on your own. If your computer viruses are attached to files larger than the floppy drive can handle, then you can use a Zip drive to load those larger files and infect your computer. CD-Rom drives are very useful for handling viruses attached to extremely large files or applications, although this may interfere with your computer's ability to play music. DVD drives are there to play movies and make the people who just have CD-Rom drives jealous.
Removable hard drives are extremely useful for securely losing all of your data at once.
CD and DVD burners are designed to ruin perfectly good blank CD and DVD disks. As the technology progresses, CD and DVD blanks can be ruined at faster and faster speeds.
These drives are sold with three numbers followed by the letter X. The first digit refers to how many disks you'll try to burn before getting angry. The second number refers to the number of disks you'll try to burn before you have problems with the drive and can't burn any more disks. The third number is how many hours you will wait on hold until a technical support representative will accidentally lose your call or hang up on you.
The user gives commands to the computer through one of several ways. A keyboard can be used to cripple both the computer and the user's hands slowly over time. An ergonomic keyboard is designed to slow down a user's typing so that they will get crippled at about the same rate of effort as a normal keyboard user. Mice are used to move a cursor on the screen and gather up nasty dust and liquid spills from your desk. A mouse pad can accelerate the jamming process of mice efficiently.
Trackballs and trackpoints and touchscreens are designed to screw up your computer without using up as much desk space as a mouse and mousepad would.
Some computers are equipped to be mis-programmed through voice command. These computers will hear your voice, translate it to a series of digital signals, interpret the signals incorrectly, and perform the incorrect action without needing a keyboard or mouse to perform that incorrect action.
The purpose of scanners, videoconference cameras, and multimedia ports on your computer is to provide an interface for collecting and generating your own pornography. Scanners are simple devices that take photographic or text information on paper and translate them to a digital format that looks almost, but not quite, completely inferior to the original content. Software is provided with most scanners to make it extremely difficult for novice users to manipulate the digital information so that it is absolutely inferior to the original content.
Videoconferencing cameras and software are designed to provide frustration and poor quality at all connection speeds.
Digital cameras are designed to provide yet another method of storing information on an easily-lost object that no other device can read as well as becoming obsolete within 6 months. Some digital cameras are capable of taking lousy still images, some can take lousy movie clips, and yet others can ingest lousy audio and stills and movie clips all at once. Each kind of digital camera is more expensive than the other, and more difficult to repair.
One final word of warning. Be sure to fill out all registration and warranty cards that come with your computer, software, and all devices that you buy that are remotely associated with your computer. This way, the hardware and software manufacturers know where you live and they will have a better idea of what all you've bought with your computer so they can blame all the problems you're having on anything other than their own product.
My PC Secrets Revealed! 
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