What are my kids getting for holiday presents from the parental units this year? My 6 year old son is getting a huge tub of LEGO’s and an electronic Wheel of Fortune game. My 3 year old daughter is getting a tea party set and a Dragon Tales music CD, as well as at least two dolls from other relatives. I can just see the modern feminists in the audience rolling their eyes and the grandmothers applauding loudly. So many parents these days deal with this issue: are gender-specific toys right or wrong? My belief is one of those oh-so-lovely ambiguous answers - it all depends.
Let’s think back to the presents of yester-year. Back in the day, boys were given “boy toys” and girls were given “girl toys”. No ifs, ands or buts about it. Boys were expected to play pirates and soldiers loudly in the back yard while girls were expected to play nice quiet games of tea party and “house” in their rooms. Fast forward a few decades, including the 60’s and 70’s and suddenly today we’ve got parents who swear that their children will never, ever be given a gender-specific toy and who actively encourage their children to play at games that are the reverse of traditional boy/girl games no matter their natural inclinations. I say there has to be a happy middle ground somewhere, and it all starts with knowing your own child and being willing to encourage them at what makes them happy, despite one’s own personal political agenda.
For myself, the added factor of being a conservative - some would say “Fundamentalist” - Christian woman makes this sticky issue further clouded. Yes, I do want my son to grow up to be a Christian man who provides for his family and works hard. Yes, I do want my daughter to grow up to be a Christian woman who, should she choose to marry and have children, stays at home and takes care of her family. But I never want my children to be tightly bound in the social constraints that were present in my grandparents’ generation. I want them to be the best, well-rounded people that they can be.
In my mind, this is best accomplished not by agonizing over what toys they are allowed to play with. Rather, I prefer that my husband and I get there by two routes: encouragement in areas of natural ability, and in daily, living examples. First, we love our children and are deeply involved in their lives. Thus, we know what they like and dislike, and what they are good at. From that, we can decide what toys they should get. Our son adores LEGO’s and is good at using them, so he gets them. His verbal skills have always been tremendous, and he’s currently addicted to Wheel of Fortune, so he gets a Wheel of Fortune game. Our daughter, however, is still young and has shown a tendency toward more feminine things her whole life since she was old enough to express much of anything. She adores babies - I’m just waiting for her to ask me if we can have a baby that she can play with - so she gets dolls and accessories. She shows interest in playing tea party when she can, so she gets a tea set. Would I get them absolutely anything they wanted, provided it was within the budget? No. Neither of them will be getting toys guns because I don’t believe that is something that should be “played” at. Sean won’t get a princess dress-up kit if he ever decides he wants one, nor will Erin get a WWF wrestling toy - male or female. We do have our moral and ethical limits. But if Sean should decide he wanted an Easy Bake oven, I see no problem with that, or if Erin wanted a play tool bench instead of a play kitchen, again that’s fine.
Which brings me to the daily example and daily living part. My husband and I are setting some basic examples of the family life that we feel is best - working man, homemaker wife. But we do not let ourselves be so tightly bound in these roles that we can’t do anything else. Our children see Daddy cooking and cleaning on occasion, as his schedule permits, and they see Mom pumping gas and moving furniture. They can’t see it now, but in years past I’ve helped roof a house, built many a bookcase and other bits of small furniture, built a 20x8 front porch deck, and I can jump-start a solenoid if I have to. More importantly to their lives, we do not restrict them in the kinds of play that they are allowed to engage in. (Again, as long as it fits within the moral and ethical boundaries we believe in.) They are both allowed and encouraged to play with LEGO’s, blocks and playdough. They are both expected to help with dishes, laundry and house care. If Erin decides to be gracious enough to share her tea set with her brother, he will be allowed to play tea party, not shunted off and told “boys don’t play that”. Erin has taken to telling me lately that she wants to be a cowboy, a policeman, any number of things that are traditionally male careers. I just go right on and don’t worry about it a bit.
Children do not like being preached at, or being made political pawns - at least, I never did. So many things in my life growing up I had pounded into me that I “must do” this or “must not” do that. I prefer instead to raise my children with the guidance of a life well-lived and parents who are willing to answer questions as they arise. I’m sure that over the years to come, many serious discussions will go on between our children, myself and my husband about their roles in life as a man and a woman. Hopefully, the background to these discussions will be the remembrance of times past when they were always encouraged to do and be their best - whatever that is.
__________________ Melanie
Last edited by emeleel; 11-30-2001 at 11:14 AM.
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