Real Power (or) The Power of Kindness

[pluckyduck]

I've been making a lot of changes in myself (the Work Me) over the last two years, and the appear to be paying off. I'm sure there are a number of business books written on the subject, but I haven't read any of them (or if I have, didn't retain the information enough to put it into practice.)

So, when I finally write my own business book, its working title will be The Power of Kindness. (For all I know, this has been covered well by How to Win Friends and Influence People, but I haven't read that book (gasp) so I couldn't really say.)

Started off by observing people who had real power, the sort that accomplishes change that lasts, the kind of person who when they speak, people listen.

In no particular order a non-complete list of what I've observed:

* This type of power person is consistently focused on whatever conversation he or she is having. There is no sense of time rush, no pressure on the other conversant. The other conversant could be the CEO of a Fortune 100 or the guy who sweeps up in the warehouse.

* Manners, manners, manners. This is a well mannered person. "Please" and "Thank You", "Please" and "Thank You". If she is hosting a meeting or a job interview, she is concerned with the other person's physical well being. Is he/she thirsty? Hungry? In a comfortable chair?

* She arrives on time for any appointment, never keeps other people waiting. If something unforseen happens and she is late for a commitment, she apologizes with a brief explanation.

* She listens. She doesn't just pretend she is listening so she can then get her turn to speak, she really listens, with the sincere expectation that she is going to learn something valuable from other person speaking.

* She pauses to think, a lot.

* She makes the person she is speaking with feel important, not as some part of a strategy, but because in her world view, they are important. The most important person in the world, at that instant, is the other person she is speaking with.

* She follows up. If she says she is going to do something, she does it. Alternatively, if she can't do what she said she would do, she apologizes sincerely with a brief explanation. (Brief explanations of infrequent lateness or broken commitments give a tremendous amount of power. They aren't framed as excuses, but the brief explanation is mannerly, allowing that she is accountable to the other person, no matter their "status".)

* She focuses on the other person's agenda, not just her own. Internally, she may be all about Her Agenda, but she realizes that the world isn't all about her. She looks for win/win in any transaction, including where we are going for lunch that day.

* She actively seeks out ways to make other people look good. No false flattery, just a constant scanning of available opportunities to make other people look good.

* She doesn't string other people along. If the answer is "no", she says "no", not "maybe" so as to spare the conversation about "why, no?" She guts it up for the tough conversations and then her reputation for directness proceeds her.

* A good reputation is of utmost importance to her. She knows that how she treats Person A is part of her cumulative reputation, which she values as gold. Everybody is important.
___________________

This does not describe me. Would that it did, but it does describe the me I'm trying to be.

I'm only percentage points into making the changes that get me "there", but I'm drop dead amazed at how changing me has changed my effectiveness at the same time.

True story from last week:

So, I'm in a closed environment (car ride) with the PTB at work, company principals. They throw a heavy strategy question at me (sitting in the back seat). It's a heavy question and I don't know my real opinion off the top of my head. I pause to think of my answer, to consider the angles. There is silence for some seconds, broken by one of them, asking if I'd heard the question.

I'm like, yes, I did, I'm thinking about my answer.

They burst into laughter. "It must be a tough question if Andrea is stopping to think....never asked Andrea a question that she didn't know the answer to immediately."



Change is good.

Andrea

[eris esoteric]

Plucky, you are on my list now. You may not publish your book. I will not allow you to share the secret of my power in the workplace.

Seriously, 90% of my ability to get people to do what I want them to do is the fact that I ask them *nicely*. I always call my subordinates "Sir" or "Ma'am" in front of guests... because I want the guests to pick on on the fact that I respect them, and expect them to respect them as well. And the reason I'm so "powerful" here is the simple fact that I work in the hospitality business, where courtesy is *not* the rule. My coworkers are so relieved to have someone ask them nicely to do something, they'll almost always automatically just do what I ask.

Also works in my relationships with outside companies. I can get cabs when other clerks can't. I can get other hotels to cough up information they don't normally let out. Why? Because I'm polite to them.

But if the power of kindness were to be common place, then I wouldn't be so unusual, and I wouldn't have nearly so much power anymore.

So Plucky, it is with great sorrow that I must kill you. But don't dispair... I promise I'll kill you with kindness...

[pluckyduck]

eris esoteric said

So Plucky, it is with great sorrow that I must kill you. But don't dispair... I promise I'll kill you with kindness...

That's all I can ask. But it must be sincere, because fake kindness stands out like sore thumb. Fools no one.

Fake kindness is schmoozing. Schmoozing is okay, but a poor substitute for real kindness.

Andrea

[eris esoteric]

Oh, absolutely.

I'm curious... Do you see a difference between being "nice," and being "kind?"

[mjfrombuffalo[$]]

Pluckyduck - you've hit upon a lot of the principles Stephen Covey uses in his 7 Habits, like having integrity (getting places on time, doing what one says one will do to follow up, honesty), seeking first to understand (really listening, understanding the other person's needs), thinking win/win (working for a mutually-beneficial solution), etc. And I wouldn't call it "kindness," I'd call it "respect."

[brian_igo]

"The key to great acting is sincerity. Once you can fake that you got it made."

-George Burns



The things I try to do in my life line up almost perfectly with your guidelines, but they are things I do because I'm trying to be a good person. Being nice makes your workdays a lot more pleasant but it only works as a strategy for career success if your business culture supports and rewards that style of management. If this is your style and you're in a company with a "Kill 'em all and let God sort them out" mentality, you're roadkill.




Brian

[frazzledspice]

Be careful...once upon a time, my hubby (who grew up in a much kinder, gentler corporate America) was passed over for a promotion because he was "too much of a nice guy."

All the things that had gotten him promoted in other companies didn't mean a hill of beans in this one (where, after an eight-month layoff, he found himself in a step-lower position than the one he had held for the previous 15 years.)

Certainly your way is the better way, and that behavior will allow you to respect yourself. But it might not get you to the top of the heap.

[pluckyduck]

mjfrombuffalo said

Pluckyduck - you've hit upon a lot of the principles Stephen Covey uses in his 7 Habits, like having integrity (getting places on time, doing what one says one will do to follow up, honesty), seeking first to understand (really listening, understanding the other person's needs), thinking win/win (working for a mutually-beneficial solution), etc.

You mean the book I sort of read but said I didn't like and never finished? Better give it another read.

Now, why didn't I use the word "nice" or the word "respect"?

eris wrote:

I'm curious... Do you see a difference between being "nice," and being "kind?"

"Nice" doesn't cut it for me. I used to see myself as a nice person, and I was always nice to people . . . except when I wasn't. You could have said about me - "Really nice lady unless you mess with her and then watch out, you've never seen the other side of her." I was very nice as I floated into an appointment with you 20 minutes late and nicely greeted you.

"Nice" never connected as a power word with me, either. A decade ago, people accused me of being too nice. Andrea, you are too nice, you let people walk all over you.

I don't think anybody would call me nice when they are on the other end of a "you screwed up all my orders, fix it now" phone call. But most times, now,I think they could call me kind. I assume that he/she wanted to get the orders right, they are just having some sort of organizational disaster and I spend time with him/her trying to troubleshoot and see if we can fix this together. I'm kind while I'm telling him or her that this is the last chance and we're going to have to switch out if there are any more screwups, but I'm not always nice.

Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for somebody is to not be "nice", but to lay the issues out on the table bluntly, and hammer a bit if they aren't hearing you. Being tough can be being kind.

MJ wrote:

And I wouldn't call it "kindness," I'd call it "respect."

I could use the word "respect", because respect is certainly part of what I see in real power people. She puts everybody on the same playing level as she is. She respects other people's time.

"Respect" isn't warm enough to convey the concept I'm chattering about, though. Compare the two (dictionary.com):

Kind
1. Of a friendly, generous, or warm-hearted nature.
2. Showing sympathy or understanding; charitable: a kind word.
3. Humane; considerate: kind to animals.
4. Forbearing; tolerant: Our neighbor was very kind about the window we broke.

Respect

1. A feeling of appreciative, often deferential regard; esteem.
2. The state of being regarded with honor or esteem.
3. Willingness to show consideration or appreciation.
4. Polite expressions of consideration or deference: pay one's respects.


The thing is, practicing the "power of kindness" makes me feel really good, too. What a great side benefit! And random kindness, being kind when there isn't a lickety lick thing in it for you, is even cooler (practicing it as business lifestyle rather than a interaction tactic in a specific situation).

Small example from my recent show:

Having a muckety muck breakfast meeting with some muckety mucks at a key supplier. Purpose was to address some significant concerns I'd been harping on for a year plus. One of the solutions was a re-alignment of how all of their major accounts were handled in the group of suppliers they own, bring key accounts under one high titled person who had the power to decision make quickly.

Anyway, one of the first things I thought of was "Frieda". Frieda is a sales rep at one of the suppliers in the group. Frieda was no longer going to be my sales rep. Frieda had busted her butt for two years to get print space in my catalogs and her first set of products is going in the catalog being printed now. Because of her work, our sales with the supplier are going to go way up, and here she is, getting no credit for it.

What's the kind thing to do?

I spoke right up, mentioned her by name, told the muckety mucks how hard she worked to get print space, how bad I felt that she wasn't going to get credit for her work, yada yada. I made sure I mentioned her name four or five times because these guys were so far up the food chain, I don't think they even know all of the sale reps names.

When the show opened for the day, I sought Frieda out immediately to find out how she was doing. (Not well, was the answer, the re-alignment pretty much stripped her of all her accounts with real potential.) I repeated my muckety muck conversation and thanked her for working so hard to get into the catalogs. She was so grateful I took the time, I had a nice shot of 'feel good' for the rest of the day.

In the past, I wouldn't have considered seeking Frieda out to be top priority. She's not on my account anymore, nothing she can do for me, I'm here on business and that doesn't help business. But this is the sort of thing I see these real power people do. They don't fake caring, they care.

As I said, I'm only percentage points into the change, but I like the way it is heading.

Andrea

[pluckyduck]

brian_igo said

"The key to great acting is sincerity. Once you can fake that you got it made."

-George Burns



The things I try to do in my life line up almost perfectly with your guidelines, but they are things I do because I'm trying to be a good person. Being nice makes your workdays a lot more pleasant but it only works as a strategy for career success if your business culture supports and rewards that style of management. If this is your style and you're in a company with a "Kill 'em all and let God sort them out" mentality, you're roadkill.

In my last post (which I was writing while you and Maryanne were responding), I differentiated between kindness and niceness in my viewpoint, so we know that I'm not talking about being nice, exactly.

Amazingly, I find power kindness stronger than a "kill 'em all and let God sort them out" mentality, but not the direct opposite of it. The real power person and the "kill 'em all" person are both playing to win, but the real power person gets far more teammates along the way.

People are starting to tell me things they "shouldn't", things that give me insight into competition's business, and help me strategize what markets to go after next. I don't ask, they tell me, they tell me because they'd rather work with me than my "kill 'em all and let God sort them out" competition.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not playing just to make the world a better place, I want to win. But I'm also not insincere or manipulative, and I swear to heavens, I honestly think you can win and be a kind person at the same time.

After I find out for sure, then I'll write my book.

Andrea

[emeleel]

eris esoteric said

Oh, absolutely.

I'm curious... Do you see a difference between being "nice," and being "kind?"

Oh, absolutely.



Ever read any of the various "how to be a Southern belle" type books? No joke, there really is a big difference between "nice" and "kind". "Nice" is smiling while you twist the knife, "kind" is not bring out the knife to start with.



However, I do contend that politeness is not the *total* key to getting what you want. I get the feeling from talking with you here, Eris, that you do have a fairly forceful personality behind all that politeness - and *that's* what gets you what you want, I think. I'm the absolute personification of politeness in general society, but I don't often get things I need/want, even if I know I'm dead right about it, because I'm not strong enough to push for what I want.

* She listens. She doesn't just pretend she is listening so she can then get her turn to speak, she really listens, with the sincere expectation that she is going to learn something valuable from other person speaking.

A variation of this is something I'm trying hard to work on in my own life, although I don't have a "business life". Y'all have probably even noticed it here sometimes if you pay attention - I'm forever taking a conversation and making it about me or my kids/spouse, someone I know, etc. Someone will say something that sparks a memory of what "so-and-so" did, and I sit there just waiting for my chance to jump in and tell MY story. Bad personal relations, I know, and I'm trying to change. I'm trying to remember to make conversations be about OTHER people, ask questions instead of telling my own stuff.

[pluckyduck]

emeleel said

A variation of this is something I'm trying hard to work on in my own life, although I don't have a "business life". Y'all have probably even noticed it here sometimes if you pay attention - I'm forever taking a conversation and making it about me or my kids/spouse, someone I know, etc. Someone will say something that sparks a memory of what "so-and-so" did, and I sit there just waiting for my chance to jump in and tell MY story. Bad personal relations, I know, and I'm trying to change. I'm trying to remember to make conversations be about OTHER people, ask questions instead of telling my own stuff.

ROFLMAO!



Me too. That's hard.

me me me me me me me

::takes breath::

So, how's it working out for you?

Andrea
holding back the long post about how she realized she was doing this on the board and how hard she is trying to not do it and funny anecdotes about her, her, her

[eris esoteric]

Damn, she figured that part out too...

As far as playing with some of the words being bandied about here...

Kind: Kindness is the only rule. It's the only thing that's going to save us as a species. Hands down. It takes little effort, much patience, and reaps rewards we can't even begin to appreciate.

Nice: Useless. Nice people don't get anywhere. They're sweet, compliant, and doormat-like. And the motivation they usually have is "I want everyone to like me"... whereas a *kind* person's motivation is "how can I make this work for as many people in the organization as possible."

Respect: This is one of my "trigger" words. Respect is, in my mind, something that people have to *earn* from me. I don't respect people because they've figured out how to breathe without help and don't always hurt themselves getting out of bed. I *respect* people who have brains, souls, and know how to use them.

Courtesy: This is what my mind translates when other people say "respect" so that I don't get twitchy. Every living being on this planet is worthy of courtesy from me, even if they *do* hurt themselves getting out of bed. Courtesy is a tool of the kind person... as opposed to simple politeness. Courtesy is more of that "what can I do to make things here work better" stuff. Mere politeness falls under "How can I make everybody like me (and ignore the fact that I'm 20 minutes late again)?"

Corrollary note: A polite person apologizes for being late, perhaps even calling ahead to let you know they'll be late. A courteous person, on the other hand, won't be late, unless they really *were* kidnapped by aliens.

Anyone wanna take a stab at how a *kind* person deals with authority?

[emeleel]

Well, baby steps at the moment. I *think* I did better at Christmas in conversations with SIL during family togetherness time. She and BIL have 3 wonderful children, and I think I finally managed to balance things out and talk and ask more about her kids than my own, for once. One step at a time - sometimes I remember and stop myself, sometimes I don't but I think about it later, which helps reinforce it in my head at least a little bit, making it *slightly* more likely I'll remember the next time.

[eris esoteric]

emeleel said

Well, baby steps at the moment. I *think* I did better at Christmas in conversations with SIL during family togetherness time. She and BIL have 3 wonderful children, and I think I finally managed to balance things out and talk and ask more about her kids than my own, for once. One step at a time - sometimes I remember and stop myself, sometimes I don't but I think about it later, which helps reinforce it in my head at least a little bit, making it *slightly* more likely I'll remember the next time.

I am, at heart, more of a listener than a talker (hush UP Bridgette!!!). I am not touting this as some sort of accomplishment, it's just the way my brain is wired.

However, I *do* like to tell stories (OK, you can talk now, Bridgette). And stories need an audience. And the best way to build an audience (once you've got down the part about telling interesting stories), is to listen to other people's stories. Everything's reciprocal.

As far as getting my own way... well, it depends on what you want, now doesn't it? If I go into work and all I want to do is play on the net for 8 hours, and go home (and it's *not* Christmas), I'm not going to get my way. At least not for very long. If, however, I walk in and actively *want* to get the show on the road and see things operate as smoothly as possible... *then* I'll get my way. My likelihood of success increases the further I extend the "what do I want" from myself. If I want my relationship at home to work well, I have to consider myself, and the goob, and the cat. If I want my relationships with my friends to work, I have to take them into consideration as much as I can. There is no point here where I am replacing what I want with what everyone else wants... I'm simply including them in the equation as well.

[lynnzop[$]]

We were having a conversation sort of around this subject the other day. There is a woman in our organization that is a highly respected, very successful manager, and we were talking about her. She's one of those people who always gets the tough project, the employees who need a lot of guidance...and her services are VERY sought after.

The best word that someone used to describe her was "gracious". I think it falls into what you are describing in post #1, Andrea. I really like your list....I've been striving to be more "gracious" in my life for a couple of years. I'm not there yet, but I'm still working on it. I am going to print out your list and put it in my planner.

frazzledspice said

Be careful...once upon a time, my hubby (who grew up in a much kinder, gentler corporate America) was passed over for a promotion because he was "too much of a nice guy."

But Maryanne, sometimes a promotion isn't right for the person. If they needed someone who was tough as nails, dealing with a very difficult department where maybe they had to fire a lot of people due to poor behaviour, this wasn't the right job for your husband (who I am sure is a nice guy.) Sometimes, it's better NOT to get promoted into a situation that would not be right for you. I've seen far too many people get put into higher positions based on their present stellar ability to perform, and then fail miserably because they had reached their peak. There's nothing wrong with staying in your present position if you are really good at it, and the next step up is not the right one for you.

[pluckyduck]

emeleel said

Well, baby steps at the moment. I *think* I did better at Christmas in conversations with SIL during family togetherness time. She and BIL have 3 wonderful children, and I think I finally managed to balance things out and talk and ask more about her kids than my own, for once. One step at a time - sometimes I remember and stop myself, sometimes I don't but I think about it later, which helps reinforce it in my head at least a little bit, making it *slightly* more likely I'll remember the next time.

And that's what I mean about percentage points into the transition. I try, I forget, I write myself notes, I get somewhere, then I forget for a month, then I remember, I try again. I'm considering a tattoo on my right hand.

* She asks questions of other people, sincerely wanting to hear the answer. She pauses to listen, knowing that no matter what the answer, there is something she is about to learn.

Did you notice I forgot that on my top-of-the-head initial list? Bartenders, grocery clerks, warehouse staff, supplier customer service reps, and Fortune 100 CEO's are all eager to give us important information if we just ask. It's impossible learn anything if it is all me me me me me me me.

Now, what do you think about me?

Andrea
(who will get to Eris' post in a few minutes, lots of meat! )

[eris esoteric]

lynnzop said

But Maryanne, sometimes a promotion isn't right for the person. If they needed someone who was tough as nails, dealing with a very difficult department where maybe they had to fire a lot of people due to poor behaviour, this wasn't the right job for your husband (who I am sure is a nice guy.) Sometimes, it's better NOT to get promoted into a situation that would not be right for you. I've seen far too many people get put into higher positions based on their present stellar ability to perform, and then fail miserably because they had reached their peak. There's nothing wrong with staying in your present position if you are really good at it, and the next step up is not the right one for you.

I'll second that one. Yes, we're all told we should strive and get the big spot... but hell... sometimes the small spot where we can really contribute and show our strengths is where we belong.

And nope, they ain't *never* gonna stick me in management. And I'm smart enough to make them afraid to ever think about doing it.

[emeleel]

As far as getting my own way... well, it depends on what you want, now doesn't it? If I go into work and all I want to do is play on the net for 8 hours, and go home (and it's *not* Christmas), I'm not going to get my way. At least not for very long. If, however, I walk in and actively *want* to get the show on the road and see things operate as smoothly as possible... *then* I'll get my way.

Oh sure, I'm not talking about things that you may "want" that are not right or not allowed by the rules. I'm talking about the examples like, getting a cab, etc. For instance, I was once owed $3 by Walmart because an item rang up for too much and they have a rule that if an item rings up, you get it free if it's under $3, or $3 off the price if it's more than $3. Cashier didn't know how to do it, although she did know how to adjust the price. I didn't wa