Dear Uncle Melton,

[slick4591[$]]

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve contacted you and Aunt Mildred. I sincerely hope this letter finds you both well. I also wanted to update you on a recent visit to Uncle Cletus and Aunt Doris.

Wow, has the country changed out there! One thing that really concerned me was the smell. As I was turning off the highway it really stunk! When I made it to the clearing I saw why. There’s a feedlot across the south fence from them and it looked like there had to be 1500 head in the pens. I was gagging non-stop until I finally stopped in their driveway. They’ve gotten used to the smell, but I dang near gag every time I think about it.

Uncle Cletus was telling me about the first load of cattle the feedlot brought in. He said a big steer got a horn caught in the fence and while he was trying to get loose he ripped a whole section of fence down. Of course, about 300 head or so headed right towards Aunt Doris’ flower garden. While telling the story he started laughing so hard his big belly went to jiggling like nobody’s business. He said the sight of Aunt Doris out there trying to shoo away that many determined animals with nothing but a broom was one of the funniest things he ever saw. He said after half an hour or so Aunt Doris gave up cause she had stayed out there so long she wet her pants and filled her shoes. I have to admit he had me laughing pretty hard, too.

I found both of them in pretty good shape for a couple in there eighties. Although, I am a little worried about Cousin Larry. Aunt Doris kept bragging about how well he was doing in school, but she was getting worried that his schooling was too large of a financial burden on them after seven years, and it looked like another year was imminent. I have to admit that I was really surprised to hear that my 45-year-old cousin was in school again, especially going through a graduate program. Heck, I remember that he never officially graduated high school. Best I remember is Principal Mobert only let him walk across the stage at graduation when Aunt Doris kept crying because he had already spent six years as a freshman.

I’m sorry to say that Aunt Doris was a little upset with me when I found out what school he was in. I told her that seven years of wrestling school was a little too long for anyone and she might want Larry to move along in life. She just kept saying that she wanted him to get that degree.

At one point I had to laugh out loud at Aunt Doris. Seems as though the satellite television man from town came by a while back and got them interested in buying the setup. After everything was hooked up they were able to watch more shows than they ever imagined. Aunt Doris got especially interested in one of them cooking channels. In fact, Uncle Cletus said he couldn’t even get control of the “clicker” as he called it. He sounded very frustrated as he was telling me the story and said he finally went to bed and left Aunt Doris alone that first night.

Aunt Doris told me about watching one show where a lady made a recipe that took one whole night and part of the next morning just to put together. She tried to convince me that the lady had a magic oven, too. Seems she was watching the show and fell asleep on the couch. When she woke the next morning the lady was just putting it into the top part of the oven. She said, “She no sooner closed the oven door than she reached in the bottom part and the blame thing had magically cooked and was ready to eat.” I didn’t even try to explain.

We were having a great visit and the time was passing quickly. Uncle Cletus mentioned that they hadn’t been to town in a while and he could use some things at the hardware store. Aunt Doris said she heard that they had built a new shopping place in town and she just couldn’t believe that a person could go from store to store with it raining and never get wet.

Well, I had plenty of time so I told them to load up and I’d take them to get what they needed. The mall was pretty nice for an out of the way country town. We went in the entrance to the J.C. Penney store and we ended up leaving Aunt Doris there while Uncle Cletus and I left for a tour of the place.

One of the first places Uncle Cletus saw was a Citibank Financial Center and he got it in his head he had to talk to someone about all the mail he gets from them. He liked to have scared that little receptionist to death by yelling at her to stop all that mail. He went on and on about how much money they were wasting on him by mailing all those offers he wasn’t going to take. Took me a long time to convince him that she wasn’t the one licking all those envelopes.

After leaving there we went into an atrium area where there was a big fountain. Uncle Cletus looked at this thing for a long time and decided that it took an awful smart man to build a building over a geyser. He said he didn’t even know there were any geysers in his part of the country. He thought the man was even smarter to be able to harness it and break it up into multiple streams to shoot out uniformly. And he still can’t figure out why the water never overflowed with all of it coming in the building like it did. No, I didn’t try to explain that one, either.

Well, it had been a while so we thought we’d better go back to Penny’s and check on Aunt Doris. As we were passing the nail salon I heard a familiar laugh, so I had to poke my head in. Sure enough Aunt Doris had found her way out of Penny’s and into the salon. I couldn’t believe what I was watching! She was sitting in a chair with one foot soaking in a tub of water with a little lady holding the other and had some kind of scrubber just working away at the bottom of her foot. All the time Aunt Doris was sitting there giggling like she was a teenager again.

I knew Uncle Cletus wouldn’t understand what was going on so I told him to go sit on a bench while I went inside. I approached Aunt Doris and asked her what she was doing. Of course, I couldn’t help but smile when I said it. Startled, she looked at me and had a big grin on her face that I hadn’t seen since she tricked Aunt Nelda, and we both know how that turned out. Just as serious as she could she told me that she was getting her feet pollinated. Laughingly, I told her that it looks more like she was getting them exfoliated and not pollinated. She slowly looked at the lady at her feet and watched as she was nodding her head affirmatively. Then out of her mouth came, “Oh yes, that’s what I meant to say.”

Well, it looked like she was going to be there for a little while longer so I left and went back to find Uncle Cletus. Well, for an old fat guy Uncle Cletus is pretty quick on his feet. He wasn’t on the bench where I left him. Seems he had already made it around the corner and four stores down. Seems like he only made it as far as the Victoria’s Secret and their display window. He was just standing there shaking his head from side to side.

It was hard for me to read just what was going through his mind and to tell you the truth I was leery about finding out. After a few more seconds he looked at me and just shook his head. I decided to leave well enough alone and took him by the arm and away we went.

We got back to Aunt Doris just as she was paying and with that I decided that it was time to go home. As we were leaving through J. C. Penney every sales lady in there was waving and telling Aunt Doris goodbye. I leaned over and asked her what went on in there and she just slowly looked up at me and gave me that sheepish little grin we all know and love. I’m afraid that J. C. Penny will probably never be the same. Funny, but both remained completely silent the entire ride back home.

After having to go back through that awful smell again I pulled into their driveway. As we were getting out Aunt Doris spoke up and told Uncle Cletus that it had been a wonderful day and she couldn’t wait for a hot soaking bath. I went in for a few minutes just to make sure they both got settled before I hugged them and bid them well, telling them both goodbye. Sure was nice to visit with them again.

Well, better close this letter out because there are still many things I have to get done before dark. I just wanted to let you know that I got to see the both of them and enjoyed my time. Love you both and I hope to see you soon.

Your loving nephew,

Clayton

[hadassahchana[$]]

but also


I just love this - funny but also really sweet. Maybe because I can hear in my mind just how they sounded.

[slick4591[$]]

Thanks, Cindy! For some silly reason it felt pretty good to doodle something.

[hadassahchana[$]]

OMG- you wrote that?! Slick, that needs to get published somewhere. I really loved it, and I didn't realize it was yours. Thanks for hsaring it with us. I hope you're going to doodle more.

[taurusmoon]

That's some right fine doodlin' there, Slick!

[slick4591[$]]

hadassahchana said

Slick, that needs to get published somewhere.

Thought that's what I did.

Thanks, Sara.

[cristina1]

Excellent, Slick!