There I was, sitting on the porch again. It happens every time there's a major holiday and I fuck up. Flowers, chocolates, card...
Birthday card. Got to check more carefully when I pull cards out of the rack at random.
"Wife kicked you out again?" asked a clicky voice. It was my pal Kt'ekctk-krit, a visiting Txk-tik'kta who are all bent on global domination. He usually comes by when he's skipping battle drills or some other pointless military exercise. This time he was sitting on the porch, reading our paper and allowing his wings to dry in the sun.
"Yeah," I said. "Shouldn't you be planning for a Grand Invasion or something?"
"Nah," said my space-alien friend. "Busy day back on the homeworld. All non-essential personnel and motherships recalled. Lots of overtime for the Merchant Fleet Pilot's Union."
"So what are you still doing here?" I asked. "Are you essential personnel or something?"
"I'm just Public Relations," said Kt'ekctk-krit. "Liaison office. I lie to your World Government about inter-species friendship and peace while the drones in the Science Division figure out how to wipe all of you monkeys out. You're a lousy test subject, but it's hard to find collaborators among humans who aren't wiggy about giant bugs."
"Good luck on the conquest stuff," I said, pulling a beer out of the cooler and cracking it open. "We've tried for years and still haven't gotten it right. So what holiday is it back on the homeworld?"
"The biggest. It's the day that we acknowledge our absolute love and affection for the Hive Mother and Queen of our colony."
"Oh really?" I said. "Do tell."
"What's to tell about?" he said. "Billions of Txk-tik'kta all lined up with gifts and presents for the Queen, all vying for her attention and affection. Some, she sends away, but for the most part she usually rewards their gesture with a brief mating ritual."
"I thought that was your... what did you call it? Hive Mother's Day?"
"No, that's when we honor her and shower her with affection for having given birth to us as eggs. As the only female in the colony, she served both roles."
"Freud would have a field day with your species, pal," I said.
"So would E.O. Wilson," said Kt'ekctk-krit. "Sure, it's two holidays for the same person, but then you have Veterans' Day and Memorial Day. Technically, one's for the fallen and the other is for the survivor, but their meanings have gotten crossed over in time."
"Doesn't matter what they stand for," I said. "The banks are always closed and somebody's having a sale."
"Ah," said Kt'ekctk-krit. "So you understand why I'm hiding out here. I mean, what's the point of getting a little action if she bites your head off later? I much prefer your rituals of circulatory pumps, midgets firing arrows at the lust-smitten, and confections of various unhealthy sugar-products, all in the name of an unrepentant beheaded martyr."
"It's the same all over," I said. "Everybody losing their heads for love. Want a beer?"
"Sure." I pulled a beer out of the cooler. "Got to get another card later, anyway."
"Better get a Tracy and Hepburn DVD, too," said Kt'ekctk-krit. "Wal-Mart's got them on sale. Mind dropping me off at the Transfer Gate Nexus while you're at it?"
"Fine," I said. "But don't rip up the upholstery with your mandibles."
Linear Mode
