Kids say the ##@! things!

[hadassahchana[$]]

Does everyone have days when you wonder why it seemed like such a good idea to have them in the first place? My days like that usually involve at least one of my guys embarrassing me loudly in public.

Levi Yitzhak aka 'The Planned Parenthood Poster Child' is the child who has done this to me most often. His best ever performance occurred when I took my neighbour's daughter , Michelle, car-shopping. It was two days before Christmas when L.Y. was three. I was hugely pregnant with #3, it was the coldest day of the year, and we were the only customers on the car lot. The salesman was helping Michelle and I was helping her to ask questions. The other five salesmen were bored, and asked if they could show Levi Yitzhak around. I agreed; soon, they were doing the whole male-bonding thing: they were letting him burp into the loudspeaker, and xeroxed his face, which they then faxed to the parts department. Fun stuff like that. Then, while they were letting him use the computer on the nearby desk, I overheard their conversation.

Mike, the salesman, asked L.Y. what his favourite TV show was.

"Oh, we don't watch TV at my house. My mama says that it isn't good for children. Plus, we're Jewish". (He was big on non-sequitors at that age...)

"Oh, of course,"said Mike."Your mama is right, TV probably isn't so good for little kids. So, what do you like to do?"

L.Y. responded,"Oh, I just love to watch videos!"

"Me, too," said Mike. 'What's your favourite video?"

"Oh, that's easy. My favourite videao is called 'Naked Ladies In Hot Tubs '! My mama lets me watch it all the time."

There was a stunned silence as this was taken in by all of the salesmen, and then this wall of laughter just roared past! I didn't even have to turn around to see that picture, of a small Jewish child, yarmulke and long blond peyos entertaining a captive audience.

I was, at this point, just far too embarrassed to try and explain to these guys that I am a childbirth educator, and the video he was referring to was actually a birth video filmed at a birthing centre in California.

I'm sure that we were discussed at several dinner tables that night.

So, what did your kids do to make you wish that you'd had your tubes tied the year before they were born???

Cindy

[Redlass]

Oh, Cindy! Oh!

I...I...I'll comment after I catch my breath from laughing so hard.

[theeye]

Oh, Cindy -- how I wish I'd been there to see it myself!


My little stories can't hold a candle to yours, but here they are. (As my own son is only 13 months, he hasn't yet done anything like this, though I'm sure it will happen.)

1. A former colleague of mine told me that one day, her husband came home and was met at the door by their (very little) daughter.

"Daddy, what's an a$$hole?"

"Huh?"

"Mommy says you're an a$$hole. What's an a$$hole?"


2. I was once in the car with my friend (who now has five kids and is constantly warning me to "wait until your son gets a mouth on him") and her first son who was about 2 at the time. We passed the Grand Union and he piped up with "that's the supermarket that Mommy shops at sometimes". "Daddy shops there, too, doesn't he?" "No, Daddy shops at the Stop & Shop." "Doesn't Daddy go to the Grand Union sometimes?" "No, Daddy only goes to the Stop & Shop." (My friend is puzzled and questions him further.) "Why does Daddy only got to the "Stop & Shop". "Because he's lazy", said her son brightly.


3. Same kid as #2 at 1 1/2 years of age: Several college friends were all in the room. My friend wants to show off how well her son speaks and playfully asks him who is the oldest person in the room (it happened to be me).

"Uh???", he says, meaning "I dunno".

"Well, look closely at everyone here. Check them out. Who looks really old? Who has wrinkles?"

"You do, Mommy!", he says brightly.

She reddens and scowls. Unable to quit while she's behind, she questions him further: "Where do I have wrinkles?"

"On your tushy, Mommy!"

She reddens further. "He noticed my cellulite?!?! Guess I'd better stop undressing in front of him."

(Addressing her son again): "Do I really have a lot of wrinkles on my tushy?"

"Not a lot, Mommy -- just one!"

Think about it. :-)

[theeye]

Oh, and I just remember another one from that same kid.

This was also at about 2 years of age. It was meal time and we were setting the table and he was pointing around the table, taking inventory of who had what cutlery (a subject that is significantly more interesting to a 2 year old than it is to most adults):

"Michael, spoon"

"Daddy, knife spoon"

"Mommy, fork spoon"

We all laughed at this last statement and he repeated it a few more times as we laughed harder and harder.

You see, he wasn't able to pronounce "fork" very clearly.

[theeye]

My mother has one of those "shoot me now -- I should have had my tubes tied" stories about me. Apparently she and I were in an elevator somewhere and a black woman and her daughter came in. We lived in a lily white suburb at the time and I turned in fascination to the little girl and rather excitedly informed her that "you are a Negro!"

Note: this was in the early sixties; it was the commonly used term at the time; and I'm pretty sure that I just thought it was neat.

[conradd]

Except for a brief period at age two where Shane classified people into those who possessed a penis and those who did not (usually by asking strangers, in a clear carrying voice, in a crowded location), he hasn't completely mortified me. Yet.

The one incident that came closest was at age four, when we visited my aunt in Florida who is a minister of a small Methodist church. I took him into Sunday school class and stayed for a few minutes to make sure he'd have no problems. The teacher went around the circle asking each child to sing their favorite song. While most kids sang the Jesus Loves Me type songs, my son chose that moment to belt out "I'm Looking for a Smart Woman in a Real Short Skirt". Florida may be Jimmy Buffett territory but I don't think the elderly teacher was familiar with this tune.

Deb
who also recalls that when I dropped a $20 in the collection basket later in the same Sunday morning and handed the plate to Shane to pass down the pew, he fished it back out and handed it to me saying "Are you crazy?"

p.s. the child in question had been in church almost every Sunday of his life, so it wasn't due to his heathen upbringing.

[taurusmoon]

Kill the Kid Story #1:

One of my absolute favorite smells in the world is leather. (Make of that what you will.)

One day I was at the mall with my son and a friend of mine and insisted that we go into the leather shop so that I can take in the aroma. I was browsing around a bit, ogling all the fabulous jackets I couldn't afford. After several minutes of that I was approached by a salesperson who politely asked if she could help me.

My son immediately responded with, "no, don't worry about her, she's only here to smell everything."


Kill the Kid Story #2:

When he was around 2 we were riding on a bus and a traditionally-dressed Hindu woman sat down next to us. The poor kid got so upset. He kept asking me if the woman was okay. I had no idea why he would be under the impression that she was otherwise until he hysterically started pointing at her forehead shouting "boo boo, boo boo" and asking her in his toddler English whether she needed a bandaid.


Kill the Kid Story #3:

Also when he was around 2, we were having lunch at a Burger King when he suddenly got distracted from throwing his fries on the floor. He started laughing with glee and pointing at a rather unfortunately unattractive child of about the same age. "Mommy look! A monkey!"



Surprisingly the kid made it to the age of 16.


Sara
Who almost lost her water reading Cindy's story

[mtbat]

I was laughing so hard earlier I couldn't even type-OMGoodness! now I'm Laughing harder-and glad I'm not the only one out there with a mouthy kid.

Right now the youngest is still a bit too young to say embarassing things, but I've got no doubt that he will someday soon-right now he says mostly Mama, Hiya, Bye and blows kisses to all the female clerks, cashiers, heck-any older female who looks like a grandma gets a kiss-which makes them gush over him! I can't wait till his teenaged years!

my oldest-
I used to use the phrase G*d D*mmit when I was frustrated, I tried not to use it in front of her, but occaisonally I did-well, one fine sunday morning in the middle of Mass-my oh so adorable 3 year old wanted to play in the isle-I wouldn't let her so she let out with a very loud G*D D*MMIT. I was SO embarrassed.

Same kid-when she was a bit older and fully potty trained I bought her a pack of Winny the Pooh Panties-in the grocery store the next day she proudly proclamed to one and all "I'VE GOT POOH ON MY PANTIES"-Then she proceded to lift up her skirt and show everyone her new panties

Same kid about 2 years ago at a family get together with my husbands family asks very loudly(she is about 4 and 1/2 at this point) "WHY DOES COUSIN RICHARD HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND NOT A GIRLFRIEND?" now, everyone-including cousin Richard and his lifetime companion thought that was pretty funny-it took some explaining however to get her to understand and I'm not sure she ever really did.

Now, my best friends kid-I was helping give her and my daughter a bath about 2 years ago and J pipes up-"AUNTIE-HOW COME YOU ARE SO FAT?" I told her it was a good thing I loved her as much as I did and went on a diet

[jenninca]

Okay, your kids are funny, but I'm glad they're not mine.

One of the Muslim teachers at my (former) school was telling a story about her daughter the other day. She said she breastfed her daughter until she was almost three. Apparently, her daughter (who is now four) now classifies people into, well, breasted and not-breasted. She said her daughter will go up to women who are total strangers, try to touch their chest, and ask, "Does yours work like my mommy's?" I guess she's even tried it with some men, too!

Cindy

[mtbat]

Originally posted by jenninca
Okay, your kids are funny, but I'm glad they're not mine.

One of the Muslim teachers at my (former) school was telling a story about her daughter the other day. She said she breastfed her daughter until she was almost three. Apparently, her daughter (who is now four) now classifies people into, well, breasted and not-breasted. She said her daughter will go up to women who are total strangers, try to touch their chest, and ask, "Does yours work like my mommy's?" I guess she's even tried it with some men, too!

Cindy

ROFLMAO Cindy! mr fussybutt is still breastfeeding and he is always trying to grab my friends breasts-I guess to see if there is any "Obbie Milk" in there.

The funniest thing though, a couple days ago Daddy was sitting on the couch in his shorts no t-shirt and the baby climbed into his lap and tried to latch on--Daddy just about jumped out of his skin-he wasn't expecting it-I couldn't stop laughing.

[cristina1]

Too funny! I am dying reading these. Gotta love the kiddies

My son has humiliated me so many times I dont know where to start.

When he was just learning to talk, he had a problem pronouncing the "tr" sound and instead said it as an "f" sound. So tree would be fee. Well, the kid LOVED trucks, and whenever we were out and he saw one he had to scream it: "Mommy! Look! TRUCK, TRUCK, TRUCK!" as loud as his little lungs would let him. Ughhh! I used to want to clamp my hand over his mouth if he so much as heard a siren.

My husband loves sports, and for some reason whenever he watches hocky the bad language just rolls out of his mouth. So for the longest time, my son thought that when you watched hockey, the proper thing to do is yell "Sh*t! You suck!" Imagine my horror to stroll through Sears one day to find all of the TV's tuned to hockey. (He was about 2 at the time.)

Just recently (my son just turned 4 today), he was with my mom in the car. My mom has a bad habit of calling other drivers "stupid morons" and of course, Zachary had to pick that up. So we were in a convenience store and some idiot parked so his car took up three spaces. The man came strolling in the store without a care in the world. My son yells, "Mommy, look how that stupid moron parked his car!" The man turned bright red, but I think he figured that was the last of it. But no......."There is the stupid nose-picking moron, Mommy! That man right there! He cant park right!" The man left the store without making a purchase. I should be grateful I didnt get into a fight..........lol.

[pluckyduck]

The blame in this story belongs to the Dad. The kid was just an instrument.

My late husband Greg had quite a mouth on him (funny, so does dear Don!). It took me awhile, when our first baby Dan was born to impress upon Greg how important it was to watch his mouth. After a few "incidents" of innocent repetition, Greg cleaned up his act.

Flash forward to Dan at 3 years old, gorgeous, innocent, curly haired cherub. Dad's out on the golf course, I'm home with the two children. Dan dropped something which made a mess and out pops "Oh, J---- Chr---!" perfect adult intonation

I was so angry I was shaking. If the kid said "shit", I would have been ticked, but my innocent little 3 year old is not going to go around saying J.C. I don't say it, there was only one place it could have come from - Dad.

I grabbed the phone and punched in Greg's cell phone number. Two rings.... "Hello?"

Me, screaming: "Do you know what my son just said? Do you know what my son just said??? My son just said "J----- Chr---!!" He just said "J----- Chr----" !!!

Pause.

"Andrea? Do you want to talk to Jen?"

I didn't dial Greg! I was so angry, I punched in my best friend's cell phone number by mistake. She and her husband just happened to be in the car, her husband happened to answer the phone and....

It so happens that her husband was in the process of getting his ordination after just graduating from Princeton Theological Seminary, having done his undergraduate work at Oral Roberts University. Not only did I just scream J.C. to him several times, but I screamed that my 3 year old was doing the same thing.


<---- one blush doesn't cover it!

Andrea
who got the right cell phone number 5 minutes later and screamed even louder

[amykhar]

None of my four have said anything in public that absolutely mortified me. They save that for at home.

However, when I lived in Egypt, the two year old twins next door was quite entertaining. I learned all my Arabic swear words from them.

One of the twins was very small, had curly hair, and a girlish voice. He was a dainty, quiet child. His twin brother, on the other hand, was a bruiser with a loud booming voice (for a child).

In Egypt, women wear various "levels" of traditional dress ranging from modern western clothing to covering just about every inch of their skin.

My fondest memory of the loud twin was when we were getting in a taxi that was already occupied by a Muslim woman who was covered from head to toe - except her eyes.

This charming two year old took one look at the woman and yelled at the top of his already loud voice - "THIEF!"

If I remember correctly, it was months before I went anywhere with that child again. I can still remember thinking that MY children would NEVER act like that. Famous last words.

Amy

[Redlass]

Other than calling me a cuckold when he was a year old, my son has spared me most of the really embarrassing moments so far. There was the time, though, that he answered the phone while his daddy and I were upstairs (we never heard the phone ring and since our son always chatters to himself, we didn't respond to his talking). He talked to the person until they asked him to get us. My son's reply?

"My mommy and daddy aren't home right now."

Yup. We regularly leave our three-year-old home by himself. Fortunately, the caller was a friend and just called us later and didn't get Social Services out to investigate abandonment.

He also let loose with a line recently that would have been embarrassing if the person he was talking about had heard him or understood what he meant.

First a little background. We take our son to play rehearsals a lot and he gets great fun out of acting out different scenes (his current favorite is the fight between Toby and Antonio in Twelfth Night. He calls it the "daddy and Uncle Daryl fight"). I was assistant directing The Odd Couple in which the director had cast a thin, lanky, tall white man as Oscar and a medium-height, large, black man as Felix. My son's favorite scene from that play was the one where Felix marches off to the bathroom and the poker players try to stop him. He'd usually insist that he be Felix and I be Oscar.

Anyway, we were in the parking lot of an apartment complex and my son points to a man getting into his car and says, "What's that Felix doing?" As I dissuade him from pointing and look to see if the actor playing Felix was standing there, I make a sudden realization. This realization was reinforced later at a convenience store when he again asks about a "Felix" who was near by.

So mama got to explain that "people come in all shapes, sizes, and colors" and that not every African American was named Felix.

[pluckyduck]

Bridgette -

I'll never forget how completely mortified my mother was when I called a black man "Rochester" when I was five. Man, did I get an earful!

I had gotten in the habit of watching Jack Benny reruns on TV, and in 1966 there weren't any other people of color (that I had seen) on television. I'd also never seen a black man in person before.....and I loved Rochester! I ran up to the man and started chatting away, my mother apologized a thousand times and dragged me away by the hair (probably).

Andrea

[cristina1]

Our neighbors in Washington had a little boy my son's age. For some reason my son called the little boy "Mister" - I think because he had problems pronouncing his real name (Keron). They were an African American family. They moved away just before my son's third birthday.

A few weeks after they moved, we were at an amusement park and a little black boy sat with my son on one of the rides. We saw Zachary beaming with delight and figured he made a new friend. After the ride Zachary gave the boy a big hug and ran over to us yelling, "Mommy and Daddy! Mister came to sit on the ride with me!" My husband and I burst out laughing at that. We tried to explain to him that it wasnt Mister, but he wouldnt listen to us. Kids - arent they just funny?

[magenta321]

Ug. This is one I am ashamed of myself -- and it is about me as a child. I watched Fame all the time, and there was a black character on there named Coco. I must have been just old enough to talk in sentences, and when I met a black woman. She told me her name, but I would not accept it. I called her Coco, and everyone was trying to figure out why. I remember all of the adults having a good laugh when they figured out why I was doing that. Groan. Geez, I wasn't even old enough to know any better.

There was also Kentucky Fried Chicken, which was my favorite place to eat at. Of course, I could not pronounce Kentucky. So whenever an adult asked me what I wanted to eat, I always screamed loudly "F*CKY FRIED CHICKEN!" regardless of where I was. I think this got much worse before it got better, because I always got a lot of attention for saying it. I remember it made my grandma laugh hysterically. So each time, I think I yelled it even more loudly!

[lynnzop[$]]

Five years later....

Reading about Zachary, Cons, and every one else's kids that we have seen grow up around here is getting me a little teary eyed.

Okay, so they are tears of laughter...I'm absolutely dying here!