I went to hell today.

[hadassahchana[$]]

Last year, I bought a loft bed at IKEA for #2. I got the really cool, techie-look steel frame bed. WE brought it home, #1 put it together, during which Helen and I went shopping to keep from learning new words, and #2 loved it.

For exactly three nights. The bed squeaked. The metal frame is strong as anything, but it squeaked. It squeaked so loudly that it would wake up anyone in the entire house who was trying to sleep. It even kept #2 awake. So, eventually, it became storage for duvets, extra sheets, stuffed elephants, etc. #2 slept on the sunroom couch, which he loved.

Until we got TV. His younger brothers want to watch cartoons on weekend mornings, and he wants to sleep in on weekend mornings. Irresistable force, immovable object, blah blah blah.

Today, I woke up after my three big hours of sleep and said cheerfully,"I think we should go to IKEA and pick out another bed for #2!". #1, of course, was at work and so didn't get to vote. He would most likely have tied my leg to the couch. But, he wans't here. Ha! I was free (except for the three children)and so we set off, the merry crew in our van.

Unfortunately, I did not get lost and so we ended up at IKEA. Which was fine until we got into the store. Thread title begins here.

The elevator was broken, which was fine. I can use escalators as long as the people behind give me enough room to get my cane arranged and catch my balance at the top. However, the people who were shopping today were not the laid-back, patient sort. They were from Ohio, and from Pennsylvania, they'd driven many miles and crossed many mountains to get to IKEA and by God they were going to find bargains. Ugh. I am covered in bruises.

We knew exactly what we wanted, I'd looked online first to make sure it was in stock in the location in Michigan, I knew the price, I had it all under control. Except for being able to find the bedroom section. There were plenty of those silly signs with the footprints going in a huge circle, with attractive red dots announcing 'You are here!'. After about three trips past home office, I began to suspect that those signs were designed by Dante. "You are here still! And will be for all eternity!".


I stopped to ask directions from a lady at the kitchen design counter. I'd already seen her twice, and I was frantic. She helpfully told me to keep walking left and back. Ok, that seemed good, so we promptly walked into a shelving demonstration. Oy.

After seeing living rooms again, which put us even further away from bedrooms than when we'd gone left and back, I snapped. I found another employee, walked up and said,"I've seen you twice. I saw the lady in kitchens three times. I keep being told to go left and walk to the back. Circles don't have 'lefts' or 'backs'. If I don't find the bunk beds soon, I am going to snap. And I have three children, and they might whine. You wouldn't like to see that!"

She just howled, and said,"Oh, I wouldn't want anyone to get hurt, I'll take you there using my shortcut". We walked through shelves, around a corner, and there we were. It was very "Wrinkle In Time" -ish.

After all that, finding the bed and paying for it seemed anticlimactic. I needn't have worried about a lack of excitement in my life. An hour later when we were still trying to figure out how to fit everything into the van, I was flipping. I'd decided that sad as it was, one of the children would have to be sacrificed in order to fit half of the bed in the van. I figured that if we abandoned one and #2 sat on the roof rack holding the other half on by clinging spread-eagle to the roof, we'd be fine.


In other words, I was trying really hard not to panic, swear or cry. I was really overwhelemd, of course, and finally decided to call Helen's son on my cell phone. In a blinding revelation, of course, I remembered that I'd placed it on top of the hall table so I wouldn't forget it on my way out the door. Our biggest problem was that the guys who help you to load your car don't. They wouldn't lift the boxes, they wouldn't tie string, they wouldn't do anything except offer us a tapemeasure. Show of hands, who can imagine what I wanted to tell them to do with their tapemeasures?


While wondering what on earth I would do, I realized I'd had too much sun. Because suddenly, every voice I heard sounded like Marty, Helen's husband. And I thought that right up until someone grabbed me from behind and gave me a big old hug. Marty and all of her boys had just decided to drop by IKEA! Within minutes, they'd strapped the remaining bit of bed to my roof, grabbed the extra child and his passport, and sent us on our way, pointing us in the direction of Dunkin' Donuts. One iced coffee later, I was my usual cheery self again. Snarl.

If any of you ever hears me say 'IKEA' ever again, please, hire a hitman, ok? Being shot from behind would be so much less painful than actually going to hell ever again.

[phoenixx]

Holy cow. Only you, I swear.

Sooo, how did # 2 like his new bed?

And, if you put the squeaky loft bed in the TV room with the couch under it, everyone can watch TV. Just sayin'. (cuts and runs)

[hadassahchana[$]]

ROFL, Leslie- but, why do you hate me?

[hadassahchana[$]]

Actually, I tried giving the squeaky bed to Helen's youngest. He said,"Hey, a loft bed? So, I could put my computer table under my bed? How cool would that be?!". I nearly cheered out loud.

Then, of course, his older brother said,"Dude! Did you hear the part about it squeaking? Like, every time you...um....move? In the bed?"

Damn. Foiled again.

[pippadaisy[$]]

I'm sure there is a cure for the squeaking.

[hadassahchana[$]]

Want a loft bed?

[pippadaisy[$]]

LOL. I curbed the boys' bunks and I already have Butter's bed in the garage that I curbed. Now to just get her into the crib.

[Helen_B[$]]

pippadaisy said

LOL. I curbed the boys' bunks and I already have Butter's bed in the garage that I curbed. Now to just get her into the crib.

This is Helen laughing evily. She thinks that Butter and Poe have met in another life.

[amykhar]

However, the people who were shopping today were not the laid-back, patient sort. They were from Ohio, and from Pennsylvania, they'd driven many miles and crossed many mountains to get to IKEA and by God they were going to find bargains. Ugh. I am covered in bruises.

Pennsylvanians have their own IKEA, thank you very much.

[cristina1]

Helen to the rescue!

[mjfrombuffalo[$]]

good to know if someone tells me to go to Hell, I should drive to IKEA. Which means driving to New Jersey, which is the general area I thought Hell was anyway.

[lynnzop[$]]

Cindy, I can just hear you telling that woamn in living rooms that you are abotu to snap. I know it wasn't funny at the time, but thanks for the laugh!

[theworm[$]]

Oh Lord. When I was at my worst, I had a minor minor (as in just a loose screw in the shifter thingy) with my car. It was on one of the really really horrifically bad and I'm so tired I think I'm going to die days. I pulled into the car place and the problem dissappeared. I looked the nice man in the eye and said "You don't understand. I am a woman on the edge. You Need to look at my car, find the problem and fix it."

They were very nice.

[hadassahchana[$]]

amykhar said

Pennsylvanians have their own IKEA, thank you very much.

I asked the lady from PA why they'd driven so far. I was reasonably sure you guys did have one. She claimed to be from western Pennsylvania, near the Ohio border. She was also really grouchy, so I didn't want to push it. She had cases and cases of wine glasses and a bad attitude. I think it's because she was staying at Motel 6, not because she was from PA.

[mtomm[$]]

I guess it is okay to laugh since Leslie and Lynn already did!

[hadassahchana[$]]

So did I, if that helps.

[Kalynda[$]]

I'm late to this party- hubby just let me out of my cage.

But we had a bed like that for our #1, and let me tell you, there ain't NO cure for that squeaking!

Curbed it, too.

[hadassahchana[$]]

Joaan, make a copy of the key, and hide it where you can reach it but he won't look for it, for next time he locks you up.