Tonight, #4 asked if he could have ice cream for dessert. I said he could if he promised to stay away from my Cherry Garcia. I am the meanest mom. He assured me that he wanted the new ice cream, because it was special.
I couldn't understand what might be special about Cookies And Cream store brand from Kroger, but then I am not 9, either. They do things differently, 9 year olds do. Anyway, I went back to reading my book.
Until the quiet serenity of my home was ripped asunder. The screams and shouts, jumping up and down, howling, gagging and taking #1's name in vain in several languages quite unsettled everyone including the kitties.
I was surprised. I happen to like Cookies and Cream, even if it does come from Kroger. Then, it occurred to me that he might have dropped a roast on his foot, since the ice cream was in the downstairs freezer. I asked if he was ok.
"Define 'ok'!" he shouted between new bouts of gagging. He grabbed the orange juice and drank from the carton. No one drinks from the carton in my house. Except for Poe. And now #4. But really, nobody is welcome to do so.
I was still amazed, and I decided to sniff the ice cream. It might be old, I reasoned, or maybe it had something disgusting in it. However, I couldn't find the ice cream. I asked him where it was.
"Downstairs, on the same shelf as the really special ice cream -" and then his eyes got big. He suddenly looked guilty as heck.
"Special ice cream?" Now I was really confused. I knew for a fact that I'd hidden the Ben and Jerry's. Remember the thing about me being a mean mom? Anyway, no one ever looks underneath the frozen lima beans. Except me.
#4 was trying not to gag, but suddenly reassured me that nothing was wrong, he just decided not to eat ice cream tonight.
"So," I said, "about this special ice cream -"
This brought another really guilty look, followed by "Did I remember to tell you that you are the nicest mom in the world?"
Ok. That did it - time to panic. They never say that unless blood, fire, money or pets were involved. Or pruning shears. But never otherwise. "I want to hear all about the special ice cream, and I want you to tell me now!" I said. Firmly. While Not Panicking.
"I didn't mean special ice cream, I meant -" and seeing my look, he started again. "Ok, I did eat a bite of the really good ice cream. But just one. And I promise, I'll never, ever do that again!"
I could not figure this out. #4, promising to never eat ice cream again, coupled with the 'nicest mom' line, this had me absolutely beside myself.
"What kind of special ice cream? And if we have ice cream, you know you are allowed to eat it. Except for Cherry Garcia. And last time I bought it, I even gave you some."
He hung his head, and looked really sad. Then gagged again.
"#1 told me to leave the special ice cream alone. I told him I would. But I didn't think anyone would know if I ate some."
"The Cookies And Cream?" I asked.
"No! The new ice cream in little cups. The special ice cream."
Dear God no. Please let it not be *that* special ice cream.
"What kind is it? Do you remember the brand?"
"Of course I do, and I will never ask you to buy it again!" he answered. "It is called 'Frosty Paws, and it is nasty!"
"You ate the Frosty Paws?" I gasped.
"Yes,"he gagged and coughed again,"but I didn't think you'd mind, because it doesn't say Ben and Jerry on the label."
Sigh.
"It doesn't say Ben and Jerry because it is made by a completely different company. It says 'Purina' on the label. That's because Frosty Paws is a dog treat. You ate dog ice cream."
This produced another round of gagging even more dramatic than the last bout.
"Nobody warned me it was dog ice cream!" he wailed. "Why didn't #1 just tell me that?"
"What does #1 have to do with this?" it finally occurred to me to ask. I can be slow like that.
"#1 told me that I could have any ice cream in the house except this one. He told me that we had to save it, and not to eat it."
I have to give it to #1 - he is an evil genius. He's the only one in the house who could have gotten #4 to eat frozen whey, soy flour and animal fat. With no added sugar, you'll all be relieved to know. Sigh. #4 is going to be an axe murderer when he grows up, or maybe a lawyer. I am going to have to have a talk with #1 about causing his little brother to grow up a twisted individual.
When Poe ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
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