Martha Stewart Will Not Be Dining With Us This Thanksgiving | |
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this
Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:
Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper
bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had
planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the
decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.
The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy
china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.
We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you
while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice
comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims, and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments
were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.
As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds
suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them.
They are lying.
We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our
traditional method.
We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and
sit where you like.
In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a
separate table. In a separate room. Next door.
Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be
carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not,
under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do
not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason
that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to
bean your brother in the head with warm tasty bread. Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving
the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream
and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or
leave it.
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She
probably won't come next year either. I am thankful. | 
When Poe ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
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