Weight and the Significant Other

[pluckyduck]

I admit it, I feel a little guilty. Don has never said word one about my weight gain, and never would...but I do feel a little guilty.

The woman he hooked up with was 30 pounds lighter than the me now, and we've only been together for 4 years. I was actually slightly underweight, if you go by BMI (I was a 19). I didn't bear him a child or have health problems or whatever, I just ate and drank too much and put on poundage (all of it in the lower half of me! )

Now, we all know the "better or worse" stuff is what marriage/relationships are all about...I didn't plan on him having a heart attack either, so, shit changes and you stick together.

Still, I'm curious what you guys think. Where does the fact that it's my body and my business stop and the part where he's entitled to have some kind of interest in how my body looks start?

Am I rambling? Have you guys (meaning gals and guys) ever thought about this?

Andrea

[murasaki]

That's a tough one. I'd like to think that my weight had nothing to do with my husband's attraction to me, but I'd be deluding myself. Sure, he's in love with my mind and my personality and weight is probably a very minor thing, but physical characteristics have a lot to do with attraction. I think what would bother me and my husband more is that the other one let himself or herself go and we'd want the other one to be as healthy as possible, meaning eating a balanced diet and getting regular exercise.

I also think that men and women view their bodies differently. Men see their bodies and others' as a whole and don't really notice what women consider flaws. Women tend to focus on one or two "imperfect" portions (my butt's too big, etc.). Ergo, men aren't as weight-conscious as women about themselves or about their partners. And in my experience, men are pretty happy with well-rounded, voluptuous women. In many ways, men's views of women's bodies are much more realistic than how women see themselves.

--naomi

[murasaki]

One more thing... going back to the original question.

I would tell my husband before I cut my long hair completely off but he wouldn't be able to stop me. I also think that he is entitled to an opinion about weight gain from a health standpoint: he wants me to be healthy and live longer. But if I just put on a few pounds over the course of our marriage, nothing health-threatening, I'd be really angry if he tweaked me about it.

--naomi

[jenninca]

Actually, I've had the opposite happen. My boyfriend has of course heard all about my pedometer progress, but I hadn't told him about the whole trying-to-lose-weight thing until recently. When I told him my goal was to lose 10% of my body weight, he got a concerned look on his face and stammered, "B-but, that's 10% less Cindy!"

Gotta love him!

Cindy

[cyndilouwhoo]

Hmmm...I have thought about this (being someone who was far thinner when I met my Spousal Unit, than I am...er, well, was as of a few months ago.)

I felt pretty bad about gaining so much weight during the course of our marriage. I wanted to look attractive to him (in a more traditional sense)--but somehow never seemed to get around to getting that way until recently.

I didn't feel compelled to do much about the issue of my weight mostly because I guess I felt comfortable and secure in his affection for me, the nice (mostly), sweet (kind of) supportive (uh...at least sometimes) person that he decided to spend the rest of his life with--marriage does that I guess. Like your SO, my spouse hadn't said a word about my weight gain--but for me, it was like the elephant in the living room: I knew all this "excess Cyndi" was there--and I am sure so did he.

But the bottom line was that I lost the weight for me--and any positives that he feels about it (and he does) is icing.

I did this for myself--and I would have done it no matter what he did or didn't say.

Cyndi

Who advocates for doing this kind of stuff for yourself and nobody else

[pluckyduck]

Cyndi!

I thought Sara was my twin separated at Birth...but, is it possible there were really three of us???

I wanted to look attractive to him (in a more traditional sense)--but somehow never seemed to get around to getting that way until recently.

Uh-huh. That pretty much describes it. Especially the "never seemed to get around to it" part.

it was like the elephant in the living room: I knew all this "excess Cyndi" was there--and I am sure so did he.

< nodding head with vigor > He's never said one single word and never would, but, there's no question that it's there. For me, it's not just weight...it's also the rest of the way I take care of myself. As I started to gain and couldn't fit into the clothes I liked, I refused to buy new ones...so, no more cute little fun things, me just frumping around. He'd have to be deaf, dumb and blind to not see the difference between the me he courted and the me who has been frumping.

I did this for myself--and I would have done it no matter what he did or didn't say.

In the end though, shrug. No matter how I feel about how he feels, there's nothing I can really do about it....I do have to do it for me. I am doing it for me. Weight is just too closely entangled with all kinds of emotional issues (for women, at least). You can't do it for other people and have it stick, I don't think at least.

I did determine to stop frumping, if for no other reason than him, about two months or so ago. I went out and bought some new clothes (yes! larger than I liked! ). I figured just because I was mad at myself for gaining weight, I couldn't continue to take it out him.... that ended up being the net result, seemed to me. Haven't been 100% successful at not frumping (I forget sometimes!) but I'm most assuredly better.

Sigh. Complicated women.

Andrea

[Joubert[$]]

The situation is probably tougher when one spouse gains weight and the other stays roughly at their wedding weight. The now older spouse undoubtedly thinks, Well, if I'm working hard to do this, then why isn't my spouse? I don't know the answer to that, except to say that the whole thing seems pretty shallow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, health and all, but as Duck first pointed out, there are a million unhealthy or unsafe other things in which one can engage. Well, she didn't say that exactly, but I have a PluckyParaphrasePermission (PPP) slip.

Cyndi's comment about making lifestyle changes (drinking, smoking, weight, cheating, whatever...) is bang-on perfect. The most success occurs when one makes those changes based upon their own desires and value system, not to please someone else.

The killer in all of this that I see are the spouses who are not quite nasty, not quite forthright, not quite loving about their SO's behaviors. You know the ones I mean; you see them at parties or in other social settings. Don't you think you've had enough? or I tried to get him to stop, but you know men or She sure didn't look like that when we got married.

Those destructive people should be dangled by their feet over a brimming septic tank and slowly lowered until they realize the errors of their ways.

[cyndilouwhoo]

I thought Sara was my twin separated at Birth...but, is it possible there were really three of us???

Well, Ducks, after reading the following in your post I have to say that perhaps we are long lost triplets (with me being the oldest--dammit )

For me, it's not just weight...it's also the rest of the way I take care of myself. As I started to gain and couldn't fit into the clothes I liked, I refused to buy new ones...

'Sme too. So I looked ridiculously un-me--I would go as far as to say that I looked like a total slob. I just couldn't bear to buy a "size (fill in the blank here)" knowing that not only was it two sizes larger than my "ideal" size (read: slender) but the bigger size was still tight too boot. I just looked like crap.

Weight is just too closely entangled with all kinds of emotional issues (for women, at least).

I don't think women have tremendously positive body images--no matter how "good" they look (and there are a lot of people I see who to me, look perfectly "fine" (i.e., healthy, weight in proportion, etc. etc.) who absolutely firmly believe that they look like 10 pounds of...uh well, you know stuffed into a 5 pound bag.

I'd never disagree with their feelings about their appearance, because I know that I experience the same exact same emotions surrounding my weight and body image.

As for stopping the frumping, I did also (yeah, we are definitely triplets), going out and buying well-fitting non-frumped up clothes--and the interesting by-product of the store trip was that I felt better about myself overall (aieee! there goes the self-esteem stuff again) just because I looked a little better.

I then came to the conclusion that I didn't have to look like a well dressed overweight person if I didn't want to.

In retrospect, I see the trip to the store as some weird psychological turning point for me. (swear to God). It seemed like a way for me to actually acknowledge that I was in fact overweight, unhealthy and inactive--after all, if I kept cramming myself into a smaller size of clothing, I wasn't really fat, was I?

I started Weight Watchers the following week.

Cyndi

A Sister Who's Doin' It For Herself--for a change

[KateTPZ]

This is a sore subject for me, unfortunately. Although my marriage fell apart more than 7 years ago for a multitude of reasons, the one my ex-husband professed most ardently is that I "let myself go." I gained 30 pounds in the first 6 years we were married, and them maintained and returned to that weight after both pregnancies and through the separation and divorce. (We separated after 11 1/2 years - our first child was born 8 years after our marriage, our second 10 1/2 years after.) He never said a word about my weight when the marriage was good, or even when the problems started - I heard about his negative (hostile?) feelings about my increased weight in our first post-separation counseling session. And what I heard wasn't pretty, to say the least.

Although I never intended to get heavy, it was (and is) such a small part of who I am, what is important about me, that I never considered it an issue. I'm not sure how I would have felt had it been my husband who got heavy instead of me, but I doubt I would have let it turn me against him. (And I don't believe it was that much of an issue for him - I think it was said as a way to hurt me.)

I think my body is my business and have to agree that any changes I make must be for me and for me alone.

[pluckyduck]

Well, Kate, there you go. That's awfully mean of him and is a great example of how to be a jerk about somebody else's issues.



Andrea