My ex is filing contempt charges tomorrow about visitation

bonniesayers · #1 10-13-2002, 01:11 PM

HELP!!!!!!!!!!

Things are escalating with my ex husband and I am trying to get ideas, tips and advice on how to deal with this.

Ex husband is schizophrenic, on meds and has a lawyer.

I have sole legal and sole physical custody of the children, both are autistic.

Divorce was final August 1, 2002.

It states on the judgement:

Superior Court of CA - Los Angeles

Child Custody

sole legal and sole physical to the two minor children
to respondent (ME).

respondent is ordered the custodian parent.

petitioner will have regular visitation with minor
children each and every Monday beginning at 3:30 pm
until 4:30 pm. Said visitation will be monitored.

Each Monday he shows up at my house and I do not let him in. On Sep 23rd he came back 45 minutes later with the police. They told him the order needed to be modified with the details of where the visit is.

He still keeps coming. Last nite he called me and said his lawyer is filing contempt charges tomorrow and he has three police reports.

I called the police and asked since I never got the name of the officers and they said a police report, if given, mentions the outcome and he is probably blowing smoke and this is a matter for the courts.

The previous order, I think it was an order, I got a copy of a modification that I signed and sent back to his lawyer, but never got anything signed from a judge, that one was from May of 2001 saying the visits were at my house with my therapist as the monitor and I could not be in the same room as he.

This modification was to be in effect until we went to court and got a new order.

My therapist never saw the order, she at first said she could do this when I asked her but her office said No, I was backed into a corner from his lawyer and they threated me and I did it without her knowledge.

In August after the divorce was finally final, he (meaning ex) moved out of the house he lived at for two years (two older gay men who were brothers), and took his money out of the bank and went to a motel in Hollywood and did drugs, stopped taking his meds.

He showed up at my house on August 21, 2002 at 8:15 saying he was going to Canada for a month and was going to give me some money and say goodbye to kids. It was a school nite, he confused them and he was only to be here on Mondays.

I did not want a check, so he came back next day to give me cash and then found out he might not get back into US since he was born in Canada, but was adopted by some older man back in 85 to avoid deportation when he went to prison for some robbery.

He seemed to be high that day and he left. Then I got a phone call on Aug 26th at 11 am saying he was using and wanted to give me his money, checks and credit cards so he would not blow it all. He came here half hour later, and I had picked up my son from school so he went in the other room when he came. He was clearly on drugs and shaking and was here eight minutes, counted out $5800 and gave me his stash.

I told him I was going to Kmart to get kids clothes and then two days later he showed up at 12:15 on drugs again saying he was robbed at gun point at some motel and needed another grand.

I told him I spent 400 at kmart and this new stunt was going to cost him a car seat for one kid and a bike for the other. He said fine, wrote some bills, made some calls and left. The next day he left me a message, clearly high threatening me not to spend any more of his money because I was going overboard.

I called the police for help and they said I could book the money. The guy he lived with said he would take it and get a cashiers check. The ex called the next day wanting to talk to son I said you have thirty minutes to get your money or it goes to police or your friend.

He did not want it going to his friend and came over. I gave him 4400 and said I never got to get the bike and he offered me a lousy 100 and split, saying he was now only drinking a bottle of wine a day and was coming over Monday (this was friday at 5 pm) for his visit. I SAID NO. He said he would call his lawyer.

My therapist told me he should have a drug test and get a ltr from his psychiatrist saying he was on meds again. I had also called her and left msg about him and they called me back saying they could not speak to me, that was fine, I just wanted her to know the safety of my kids and me was at stake with the money here and him on drugs and talking about guns.

He showed up on that Monday and in a state of panic I showed the therapist the order that said about her, and she said No he could not come in. This was on Sep 9 and we called the police and she spoke to an officer who said she could bar him from entering and if he came when she was not here so could I since no one was here to monitor.

Then the fall out on the paper, she was furious and her legal dept wanted to see this order, I called the courts and they said to come and file restraining order.

I went on Sep 11 and was there two hours at legal aid, they got my file and this lady gave me a copy of the judgement, I had only received one paper saying the divorce was final. This lady said the judgement superceded everything and I did not have to do anything. I had a great order and she said his lawyer was shady.

I went home and my therapist got a copy of this order and each week he kept coming and I said No, need to get a place.

So this is still going around and around, with no resolve.

I called the police last nite asking about police reports and they said it is a court matter. I ran out of ink and can not print anything up but found documents that say this is a criminal matter.

I am terrified of what will happen, do I have to pay fines, will I be arrested?

Should I just let this creep in Monday, change my therapy to another day?

What exactly does monitored mean? I want him drug tested and made sure he is on meds!

It is just one stinking hour, what the hell should I do??????????

The school is across the street and I was thinking of asking the Principal if we could go there on the playground since they have an after school program till 6 pm.

The police officer said I need to get the judge to decipher what the judgement means.

This is just scary shit. I am starting to look into moving up north and out of the city.

Oh and the man he lived with said he would testify saying the Ex was doing drugs, does this every two years and last time blew 14,000. Plus he was working illegally since he is on disability.

He has a criminal record and a sleazy lawyer. I have two kids and nothing........

IDEAS?

What would you do, just let him in tomorrow?????????

PS This is Los Angeles, CA.

Desperate for any ideas to help me deal with this tomorrow., I do plan on calling legal aid tomorrow to ask for more interpretation.

PPPS I did Call Jim on the phone (29th) and emailed him, maybe he will get back to me, not sure if he is in town or not.

Bonnie

kurt_messick · #2 10-13-2002, 01:26 PM

I wouldn't let him in. Let him call the police if he wants to. I'd have your story ready for the police, just as you told us.

Do try to get legal aid or counsel there. I hope Jim can respond to you soon.

My prayers are with you.

**mjfrombuffalo**[$] · #3 10-13-2002, 01:34 PM

Where's the lawyer who handled your divorce?

Also, in many communities there are "safe visit" sites, places to which you take the kids and leave the room, then he enters and visits with the kids. They're set up like playrooms and have staff monitoring the visits. When the visit's over, he leaves and you go in to get the kids. The Sal had a program like that in Buffalo for court-ordered monitored visits.

mj

**mrisch**[$] · #4 10-13-2002, 01:50 PM

1. On the one hand, I will say that this seems like a long and complicated story that I couldn't follow. It is quite clearly a sad story.

2. Unless he has a support order, stop taking his money or dealing with him about that stuff. One of the joys of divorce is that you don't have to put up with your spouse's bullshit - that's why you get divorced in the first place.

3. Most important, you do not have to let him do the visit at your house, nor should you. You don't need that kind of unhappiness and angst in your own home. That said, the Court has allowed him visits with his kids, and he should get them. My suggestion is that you call your local social services, DCF, or what have you and ask for help. Most counties/cities have volunteers who are trained to supervise visits AT THE DCF OFFICES. I am guessing they will help if you describe the circumstances (a using schizophrenic off meds usually rings bells)

This gets you out of the loop of being an enforcer, and allows you to comply with the court order without letting him into your house. Arguably he should be taking care of this, but I don't see that happening.

You could take the hard line with his lawyer - explain that the husband keeps appearing on Mondays without having set up a monitored visitation. It is your ex's responsibility to set that up, and he is in contempt by showing up without doing so. I think that is NOT the way to go, but it might be worth mentioning to him that you want to cooperate on this rather than fight it, to reach the ultimate goal of a weekly visit.

bonniesayers · #5 10-13-2002, 01:56 PM

I did not have a lawyer, he filed after us being separated for years.

This is the kind of set up I am referring to. First he did all the paperwork, we went to court because I would not sign the papers for one of these visiting places that he found. He said he would bring it back to court so a judge would make me sign.

I brought the intake papers from this place that stated I agreed to pay $150 per hour when this place was called into court by anyone. I could not sign that paper because I do not have that kind of money, plus the second paper said $50 for each paper they wrote up for the court.

I wanted the ex to pay my fee too and he said yes then changed his mind, happens often due to his schizoprehnia.

The judge actually walked out when the ex was talking, I did not know the kids could not go, it was a long wait so they could make room for the kids inside. He did not have a lawyer at the time, just his male companion who was in the row with the kids.

The ex told the judge I would not let his family come visit kids. This man left Canada in 1975 and his brother came a few years ago and at the last minute wanted me to bring two kids to a Dennys, they are autistic and no way could that happen. This was a visit to bring ex a inheritance from his mothers passing, money that never came to the court system either.

The judge issues an order that day in January 2001 for the kids to have a lawyer to sort this all out. Well that fell through the cracks because they called once asking me for paperwork. THey wanted me to go downtown, pay 20 to park and then more money to get copies,when they were court appointed and got this all since the judge stated that in court.

The father then went out and got a lawyer, that guy spoke once to the kids lawyer, meanwhile this lady never came to meet the kids, nothing.

So then his lawyer and I talked, this man threatened me and said he was going to get the ex to have solo visits after six months and I was terrified so I said let him come here when my therapist is here.

The father now says he does not have the money to go back to the place and keeps bringing up that I did not want that place in the beginning. I told him well now it has to be that place, he cannot comprehend much and it just gets ugly on the phone.

He will not state what happened to the 4400 he had a month ago either, obviously it is gone through via drugs.

I decided I would sign the papers and most likely will want them to go to court down the line when the ex starts talking about solo visits again. It is like three children, he lacks common sense and with two autistic kids he cannot be alone with them as he has this mental illness.

It is impossible to speak to a man with schizophrenia because he is just so out of touch with reality and what the kids life is like, etc.

I went to the intake of this place last year, talked to the director, they met the kids and we were in the room and went over the toys the kids would like, what the father does, who would change the diaper and where to keep the bottle, etc.

So I told the ex yesterday before it was a money issue for me and now he says it is for him.

I just do not know, the legal aid told me it was his hour and up to him to set it up. Now he says it is at my house because it was before. The judgement does not state my house, but the day and time are the same as before.

I just do not know what to do........

Bonnie

bonniesayers · #6 10-13-2002, 02:12 PM

Thanks Michael for your tips and advice. I am not sure what DCF is, but will call the social services and my therapist to figure that out.

I have read where a mother with a mental illness just recently took a kid at one of the DCF places while having supervised visits, but the outcome was good, they found her with the alert system I believe.

That just really scares me.

Before the order said I could not be in the same room, now it just says monitored.

I told the police when he was here that it needs to go through the system of supervised.

I have no idea what the lawyer or paralegal is telling the ex, but legal aid is aware of this lawyers shady past, so who knows what that means and what I am in store for.

We have the Regional center system here in California and the kids are consumers since they are disabled and the first time we went to mediation, Sep 2000 I brought a letter from the worker who stated the father never was involved with the kids and he needed supervised visits. The mediator never made a copy for the file of this letter but did the initial parenting plan for visits to be held at the Regional Center with a qualified person who knows autism to be the monitor.

Well the RC told the ex they could not do this sort of thing so we went back to Mediation and discussed the other place and I told the lady about the papers and she made us see the judge the following day.

SO I was thinking of calling the Regional Center director tomorrow and explaining the situation, but they are not a social services office, they are the Department of Developmental Disability.

But the legal aid lady said he is to do all this, and when I got the judgement that day Sep 11 there was a support order attached, that has not been complied with.

Since i am getting assistance it has to go through the social services dept. I called them and need send a copy but it is on reserve because he is on disability, of course no one knows he was working using another SSI number and under the table for years, but no longer since the summer.

If I get off the aide than I can try to enforce the support, which was typed up at 300 a month, but crossed off due to his limited resources and listed at 150 amonth, which should have started Aug 1. I would only get 50 since i am on aide.

But when I showed him this when he came over he says that is the social security money the kids get and I said no that is different.

It is like talking to a brick wall...

I did research a few weeks ago and I can move from SOuthern Cal if I show it is not to just get away from him, I know other families up north and they say the services for autistic kids are better and the cost of living is cheaper.

Just a lot of work involved with changing everything and the one son has an aide and I just lost Section 8 due to not being able to find a place, but I got approved for IHSS which pays you for taking care of your disabled kids and the pay rate is more in Bakersfield than Los Angeles.

Thanks for listening and offering tips.

Bonnie

**mrisch**[$] · #7 10-13-2002, 02:13 PM

You might call the court appointed lawyer for the kids to get some input...

Here's another bit of advice, and I know it is hard to hear from someone who is on the outside and not living your life - if you get free help from the state, be it therapy, legal services, visitation, etc. take advantage of it, even if it costs you $20 to park and you have to fill out paperwork. If the kids have representation, THAT LAWYER could be handling all this for you and for their benefit. I assure you that if you don't take care of that, it will cost you a lot more than $20 in the future in both cash and heartache.

bonniesayers · #8 10-13-2002, 02:19 PM

When I was at legal aid I asked the lady what about the kids lawyer and she said the judgement superceded everything and the kids do not have a lawyer.

She said it happens that these things slip through the cracks. It makes no sense to me.

I had found a form online that I could file downtown complaining that I got no help from the minors court appointed lawyer.

I just wish that the advice I got from legal aid was in a written format so I had something to refer to, instead she just told me verbally.

Well my car died last week and it cost me $81 for a battery and I have 75 to my name till the end of the month and my kid needs baby wipes and milk so I really do not have the money to park.

I was thinking of taking the bus and avoiding the parking, will call tomorrow to get routes or ask some agency for money for parking.

Actually the one time one of the lawyers from the kids attorneys office called she scared me, she said they would come check me out and make sure I was fit to raise my kids.

This was really scary since they were not interested in learning anything about the kids, the only mail I got was a notice about them being on vacation in summer of 2001.

Bonnie

susanwhipple · #9 10-13-2002, 02:35 PM

Bonnie

1. From what I have seen you post elsewhere, I imagine you are entitled to a public defender. IF (and it's a big IF) your ex even files a family offense violation (which is what one would file if someone is breaking a family court/custody order), at the 1st hearing date you should ask for a public defender application. Since he is filing he is the petitioner and you are the defandant and can ask for a public defender.

2. When you get that lawyer you need to make him get you a clearly defined custody/visitation order that includes:

a. a drug evaluation, an alcohol evaluation and a psychological evaluation if they have not already been done

b. no unsupervised visits and a clear definition of who will supervise (not you), where it will be (not in your home, not controlled by you or by him) and under what conditions it can be waived (if he is under the influence or not taking his meds)

c. an Order of Protection barring him from your residence, place of work and the children's school.

3. when you get these clearly defined orders and if he breaks them, you can then call the police and have him arrested.

4. at this point it is not a criminal matter as you are not breaking the orders as you understand them (there is no approved supervisor available so the visit can not occur)

***take this advise as a stepping point to get real legal advise. I work for CHild Protective and am around family law alot, but I am not a lawyer and I am not in your state. Consult your children's Law Guardian until you get your own lawyer before you do anything.

Good luck. May I ask what kind of idiot judge gave this man such loose visits and put you and your kids in such a difficult and dangerous situation?

**conradd** · #10 10-13-2002, 02:43 PM

{{{Bonnie}}}

You've gotten some great advice from Michael and Susan. I can't imagine the stress you're going through. I'll be thinking about you and praying for you.

Hugs,
Deb

bonniesayers · #11 10-13-2002, 02:57 PM

Thanks Susan and Michael for your advice.

When I called the conciliation court I spoke to two ladies and the last one said to come the next day to get an ex parte.

She said go to room 245 at the court house. I went there and this is the legal aid foundation and where you get emergency restraining orders. I was there to get all this and had not seen the judgement.

The advice given me was to do nothing since he is the one who gets the hour and up to him. I asked for a listing of the supervised places, but the only one close to us is the one we are disagreeing over now.

The judge that signed the judgement is the same one that we saw who issued the court appointed lawyer for the kids. He is an acting temporary judge, who knows what that means, but here in Los Angeles the courts are busy all the time.

The legal aid opens tomorrow at 8 30 and I will call the same place downtown I went to ask for further advice and then call the Regional Center and my therapist and the social services.

The IHSS worker who came to my house has lots of experience with schizophrenics and was like no way should that man come in your house without supervision.

I hope to get my first paycheck tomorrow and then the hours will be added once they get the document from the dr so from what another parent has told me and the lady indicated I would be getting a grand amonth, which cannot come soon enough.

Our big sib medical student from UCLA is due soon, she comes to play with my oldest on sundays for two hours.

We just got involved in another program, the following monday a pediatric resident and a social worker are coming to learn about autism from Cedars Sinai in Los Angeles. The second visit will observe kids at school and the third visit will be play time with the kids.

Plus my oldest is out of school in another week for two months, have to get him checked for Tourettes or OCD and I already gave the school a copy of the judgement and they have it on the emergency cards that the father is not permitted to see the kids or get them released.

Thanks for the tips and ideas. This is what I want, just have to get it arranged somehow.

Bonnie

**hadassahchana**[$] · #12 10-13-2002, 03:00 PM

{{{{{Bonnie}}}}}

I don't have any advice, and Michael has given you excellent ideas anyway. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Cindy

cristina1 · #13 10-13-2002, 03:34 PM

(((((((((Bonnie))))))))) Just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are dealing with all of this.

bonniesayers · #14 10-17-2002, 12:03 AM

Thanks for the responses here. I was on pins and needles Monday waiting for him to show up and he did not.

I played phone tag for a few days with Jim (29th) and we never did touch base, but he is busy with the election coming up in a few weeks and not his line of law.

Anyway I called another supervised visiation center and got the same data confirmed, that the ex is to be doing this and I am not in contempt.

The only problem is the gal who I spoke to there had no idea what autism was, so hoping that the social worker is more on the ball.

I called the ex to tell him this place is only $20 per hour and will let him know the details when I hear from the Director.

He leaves me a message hours later saying that since this has been taking a long time and he has not seen his kids how about if he gets to take them out for an hour without supervision.

Well yes he is a nutcase (schizophrenia) but I was not going to waste my time and energy calling him back to go over this BS again.

Today he called again and I returned call, he was asleep or something at 6 pm and I would not put my oldest son on the phone.

Will probably hear from him tomorrow too, but I am feeling better knowing that I will not be arrested or lose my kids to foster care or who knows what I was imagining.

I am looking into prepaid legal because I also need to have a will drawn up so the kids do not go to him in case I die before he does.

Bonnie

ms_n · #15 10-17-2002, 12:37 AM

Just wanted to add more prayers and thoughts...