for Pippa, Cindy, Cindy, Leslie and all the mommies

[theworm[$]]

got this email today

THE BATHROOM STORY -- A 3-year-old tells all from his mother's restroom stall
By Shannon Popkin

My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window. People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked. There've been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco. Halfway through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the rest-room that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall:

"Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?"

At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity.

Cade continued, "Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh ... Mommy! I'm trying to see in dere. Oh! I see dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get some candy!"

I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me.
Where is a screaming new born when you need one? Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, "Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some.

"No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies. Oh! Mommy!" He started to gag at this point.
"Uh oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!”

As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself: OK… there are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.

"Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done doing stinkies! Get up! Get up!" He grunted as he tried to pull me.

Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door.

Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da door? What were you wooking at, Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?"

More laughter.

I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation.

"Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy."
He started pounding on the door. "Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands? I want to go out!!"

I saw that my "wait 'em out" plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud.

My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought, "Where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy?"

But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow.

Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three. She lives with her family in Grand Rapids , Michigan , where she no longer uses public restrooms with her 3 yr. old in tow.

[jenninca]

Funny! Maybe I'm glad that Connor isn't talking yet!

[jgibson2[$]]

Single-stall family bathrooms are such an improvement over taking a small child into the big bathroom with you. Too bad they're so uncommon.

[hadassahchana[$]]

That poor woman. At least her little boy didn't take a peak under the stall next to her and then announce loudly,"Mama, that lady forgot to wear her underpants today!"

[pippadaisy[$]]

Dost thou know of what thou speaks?

[hadassahchana[$]]

Moi???

[emeleel]

Not nearly as embarrassing, but just as hysterically funny, try this one:

LOT OF POKEMON CARDS THAT MY KIDS TRIED TO SNEAK BY ME - (eBay item 130144061675 end time Aug-22-07 12:03:50 PDT)

[pippadaisy[$]]

She had me until the total bill. Where the HECK can she shop for so little money for SIX KIDS??? But yeah... that pretty much covers shopping for me.

[hadassahchana[$]]

Yep, what she said. I hurt from laughing so hard - and that's because it's much more fun to laugh than to cry. Which is really waht Pippa dn I and Pokemon Lady ought to be doing.

Btw, not all kids pull an apple from the bottom row of the beautifully arranged apple pyramid. There are some children who walk quietly along taking one tiny bite from the front of each apple on the bottom row of apples in the pyramid.

[hadassahchana[$]]

Oh - and did she sell her soul to the devil??? Did you see how much her other item is going for? It's a pattern, FCOL! It's currently going for $201!!! For a pattern. I wonder what her portrait on her wall looks like?

[pippadaisy[$]]

Hey, biting is better than LICKING. At least that way people KNOW not to buy them.

And so maybe I DO wipe some of the fruit with antibacterial wipes after going through the produce section. But I'm not actually admitting that.

[hadassahchana[$]]

True. But, none of the otherr customers can tell that your child licked, and so they can't make nasty comments and glare at you. Because, there is no way you can get the bitten apples out of the display to buy, so you have to leave the store in a hurry in order to get away from the angry mob.