When to Encourage When to be Honest

[amykhar]

I just made Katie cry. And, I'm really struggling with a problem. When a child has an unrealistic dream, how do you handle it? How do you walk the line between not breaking their hearts or spirits but not deluding them.

Katie doesn't do subtle, and it's making things a bit tough. She has been telling us for some time that she wants to be a singer. She talks of auditioning for American Idol and similar shows when she's old enough. Unfortunately, Katie can't sing. Now, even I know that kids change their minds every week about what they want to do. And, all kids want to grow up to be pop singers and famous (at least for a little while) This isn't that. Katie is putting her little heart and soul out there, telling people that she's going to be a star. With her social problems, she's getting teased and doesn't seem to notice.

How many of us have seen some earnest young person stand before TV judges and talk about how all their friends and coworkers tell them they are wonderful and should audition? This is what I fear for Katie. Tonight, I tried to gently tell Katie that singing would probably not be her career. I told her she should still practice and sing for fun and that she could be in choirs and other groups. She didn't take it well.

How would you handle this with your kid? It's never been an issue with the others. By the time they were Katie's age, they had a pretty decent sense of their strengths. I'm lost here and don't want to crush Katie, but I don't want to open her up for ridicule either.

Amy

[theworm[$]]

I can't give any advise on how to deal with this, but I can imagine how hard it must be for you as a parent.

[mjfrombuffalo[$]]

Sorry, I'm only really helpful with teens when it comes to stuff like this. I agree she should start to get some awareness of what's likely, but I have no clue how to do it without her feeling hurt. Perhaps stressing her strong points more?

[Magick1]

It seems a bit off the cuff, but have you recorded her singing and played it back to her to hear?

Sometimes, hearing it when they are singing and seeing and hearing themselves later can give them a change of heart.

If you don't want to appear that you are encouraging her, but practicing her singing and her mannerisms by recording it and letting her view herself (in private with no comments from anyone else) might show her what she needs to hear and see on her own.

I don't know if it would work or encourage her. One thing I can do is offer you .

That's a tough spot.

[lynnzop[$]]

Here's what I'd do.

Sign her up for lessons with a vocal instructor who specializes in kids, or if that's cost inhibitive, talk to the music teacher at school and see if he/she will work with her. This may accomplish a couple of things:

The teacher can assess if she has any talent whatsoever. If she's not a singer, maybe she possesses the talent to play an instrument. They can gently direct her in that direction.

If she's totally tone deaf and doesn't have the personality to be on stage, (think about it, there are plenty of rock stars who can't sing for beans but they've got the stage presence), the teacher can also talk to her about that.

You're not off the hook, but moving it to a professional, more distanced relationship might help ease the pain if she's really not cut out to sing.

[jgibson2[$]]

What Lynn said.

In addition, the talk I had with my "I'm going to be a soccer star" kid (athletic, but not star quality) was about having a second career because only a tiny percentage of those who strive for glory actually make a living doing it.

I have 2 sisters who have made money singing. One we knew was star quality from the time she was very little. She decided she'd rather have a normal life and eventually went to nursing school -- voice like Leontyne Price, really. The other has an OK voice and stage presence -- also the ability to play keyboards and arrange/compose. She toured with the USO and with a small-time band for a while, developed her own craft services business and most recently went to cosmetology school so she could have a day job.

[amykhar]

Oh, I tried the 'only a few get to do that and you should pick something else too' gambit first. No dice. As I said, Katie doesn't do subtle.

I will talk to her music teacher and see if he can help out a bit. Katie really can't carry a tune in a bucket. She's got her mother's singing abilities.

[mjfrombuffalo[$]]

How old is Katie?

[amykhar]

Almost 10

[thinkerlady[$]]

I think we need to get Katie interested in doing something else. Does she have something that she likes and does well at?? Art??? I remember when I was 10 I started reading the Cherry Ames, Student Nurse, books, because I was going to be a nurse. I read every one of them. Could we start to interest her in "other" avenues??? Maybe she might like something physical, like gymnastics?? --just to redirect her thoughts??

[Helen_B[$]]

Amy, can she read well enough to follow a karaoke machine? Family karaoke nights could be fun for everybody, and encourage learning to carry a tune if you use the CDs with the voice part included. If she loves music, give her lots of musical opportunities, and expose her to lots of different kinds of music. Listening to music is good for the brain. Singing along is even better.She can learn a lot by following her current interest, and it may lead to other things.

[jgibson2[$]]

Stage presence counts for a lot. Just watch American Idol.

[conradd]

Vocal lessons are a wonderful idea. Maybe you could trade them for some web design? And the karaoke machine sounds like fun too.