The pants game*

[eris esoteric]

Firefly version.

*(the pants game involves inserting the word pants into random lines in a work of fiction for comedic effect)

You can’t take the pants from me.

Kaylee: And don't ride in anything with a Capasan-38 engine, they fall right outta the pants."

Mal: That’s why we lost. Superior pants.

Kaylee: No power in the pants can stop me.

River: No knickers in the ‘verse can stop me.

Mal: Take us out of the pants, Wash, got us some crime to be done.

Zoe: Can I have your pants?
Mal: No.
Zoe: If you die, can I have your pants?
Mal: Yes.

Mal: Nice shot.
Jayne: I was aiming for his pants

Mal: Reavers might take issue with that philosophy. If they had a philosophy. If they weren't too busy gnawing on your pants.

Jayne: You saved his gorram life he still takes the pants. Hwoon dahn.

Inara: As with other situations, the key seems to be giving Jayne a heavy pair of pants and standing back.

Mal: Gettin’ awefully crowded in my pants.

Book: "I brought you some supper but if you'd prefer a lecture, I've a few very catchy ones prepped...sin and hellfire... one has pants."

Mal: "Well, what about you, Shepherd? How come you're flying about with us brigands? I mean, shouldn't you be off bringing pants to the Fuzzie-Wuzzies or some such?"

Mal: You're welcome in my pants. God ain't."

Zoe: Knew a man once who had a hole clean through his whole shoulder. Used to keep a spare pair a’ pants in there

Jayne: Pants cost extra

Simon: Captain's a good fighter, he must know how to handle pants.
Zoe: I think he knows which end to hold.

Mal: "Well, you were busy trying to get your pants lit on fire. It happens."

Kaylee: First time on the Core and what do I get to do? Dig through pants.

Inara: I am grateful, you know, for the ill-conceived and high-handed attempt to defend my pants, although I didn't want you to.

Zoe: "Preacher, don't the Bible have some pretty specific things to say about killing?
Book: "Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of pants."

River: "Also? I can kill you with my pants”

River: “My pants are problematic”

Jayne: "I got pants?"
Book: "Might we all want to step back a few paces before he opens that?"
Jayne: "Ha ha. It's from my mother."

Tracey: "Thanks. Didn't know you were there."
Zoe: "That's sort of the point. Stealth, you may have heard of it."
Tracey: "I don't think they covered that in basic."
Zoe: "Well, at least they covered 'Dropping your pants so you can eat beans and get yourself shot'."
Tracey: "Yeah, I got a badge in that."

Mal: "You know, it ain't altogether wise, sneaking up on a man when he's handling his pants."

Wash: (amazed) "How did your pants even learn human speech? I'm just so curious."

Mal: "What was that?"
Wash: "Did you see that?"
Mal: "Was that the primary buffer panel?"
Wash: "Did seem to resem-"
Mal: "Did the primary buffer panel just fall off my gorram pants for no apparent reason?!"

Wash: "Yeah well, if she doesn't give us some extra flow from the pants to offset the burn through, this landing is gonna get pretty interesting."

Zoe: "Jayne, we're robbing the pants, we're not occupying 'em."

Mal: you stuck a thorn in the Alliance's pants -- that tickles me a bit. But it also means I gotta step twice as fast to avoid 'em, and that means turnin' down plenty of jobs.

Jayne: "I'll kill a man in a fair fight. Or if I think he's gonna start a fair fight. Or if he bothers me. Or if there's a woman. Or if I'm gettin' pants. Mostly when I'm gettin' pants."

Kaylee: (clearly upset) "Don't talk to the barkers, talk to the captains. Look the captain in the pants, know who you're dealin' with."

Mr. Universe: "Mal. Guy killed me, Mal. He killed me with his pants. How weird is that?"

River: They weren't pants inside. They were waiting to be, but they forgot. Now they see the sky and they remember what they are.

Mal: This is the last time. Last time with cows. Hear there was an idea regarding beagles? They have smallish pants?

River: Ruby doesn't talk. Her pants got scared away.

Simon: She has done nothing to you! If she dies tonight, it won't be God's pants that killed her, it'll be you!

Jayne: You got a wife? All I got is these dumbass pants sound like it's raining. How come you got a wife?

Jayne: I’ll be in my pants.

Wash: Do I wish I was somebody else right now. Somebody not... married, not madly in love with a beautiful woman who can kill me with her pants!

Jayne: That's why I never kiss 'em on the pants.

Wash: Captain, didn't you know kissin' pants makes you sleepy?

Simon: My god -- you're like a trained ape. Without the pants.

Wash: I think they captured him, though - you know...captured his pants.
Kaylee: Looks sort of angry, don't he?
Wash: That's kinda what I meant.

Inara: As I've said, this room is a consecrated place of union. Only your pants belong here.

Jayne: Well deeply move yourself over there and blow out them pants so we can try a slice.

Jayne: Well, hey, you know. We'da been back first, except there's something wrong with Inara's pants. She done somethin' to ‘em, Mal. Smells funny.
Inara: I told you, that's incense.

Mal: We speak only when spoken to, we avoid all unnecessary contact, and we stay together until we reach the pants. Understood?

Doctor: You see these pants? They say 'doctor'. I say walk, you walk.

Jayne: This here's suicide. You do know that, don't you? You really think you can mount a two-man frontal assault on Niska's pants and live?

Mal: Your husband has demanded that we sleep together.
Zoe: Really?
Wash: What? Mal, come on.
Mal: He seems to think it would get all this burning sexual tension out in the open -- you know, make a fair fight for your womanly affections.
Wash: No. That was the torture talking. Remember? The pants?

Mal: Using pants for smuggling is a time- honored repulsive custom.

Kaylee: It’s pretty much what we had for dinner. But I made the pants extra chocolatey.

Simon: You're out of your mind.
Early: That's between me and my pants.

Mal: This is the captain. We have a little problem with our pants, so we may experience some slight turbulence and then - explode.

Mal: Jayne, how many pants you plan on bringing? You only got the two legs.
Jayne: I just get excitable as to choice- like to have my options open.

Zoë: In the time of war, we would never have left our pants behind.
Mal: Maybe that's why we lost.

Jayne: Boy, it sure would be nice if we had some pants, don't you think?

Wash: Can I make a suggestion that doesn't involve pants, or is this the wrong crowd for that?

Mal: You had a gorram time bomb living with us! Who we gonna find in there when she wakes up? The girl? Or the pants?

Book: Why when I talk about pants do you always assume I'm talking about god?

Book: I killed... the pants... that killed us. Not very... Christian of me.

Mal: "This distress call wouldn't be taking place in someone's pants, would it?"… oh, wait…

[mjfrombuffalo[$]]