Parenthood and Sense of Self

[amykhar]

Many months ago, I wrote this editorial

http://www.epinions.com/kifm-review-...3A2CEC95-prod2

and something theEye said today made me think about it again. After having a baby, how do we keep from all of our conversations being baby-centric? How, as parents, can we maintain a sense of self?

Amy

[hadassahchana[$]]

I went through this with every baby- I talked about babies, read about them, bought baby stuff, compared clothes...
I was completely head over heels about my babies, and I think that's normal to want to obsess a bit.

I have found, though, that as my kids get older, I get enough sleep. When I do that, I can think more clearly about other things- like, oh, me, for a change. As my baby is now four, I am starting to look at university catalogues, and making lists of ways to be me as a person rather than me as only a mom. this is a great time to have this conversation - but someone else needs to give the good advice, as I am all ears.

The other thing is that having a baby changed me more than anything else that's ever happened to me, and I can't imagine anything else quite so profound ever happening again. I was such a different person before I had a child that it's almost as though I really did become a new person, and therefore, trying to redefine myself now makes perfect sense.

Of course, so does obsessing about them just a little bit, still. I mean, they just happen to be the handsomest, cleverest and funniest kids around...




Cindy

[theeye]

Originally posted by hadassahchana
I have found, though, that as my kids get older, I get enough sleep. When I do that, I can think more clearly about other things- like, oh, me, for a change. As my baby is now four, I am starting to look at university catalogues, and making lists of ways to be me as a person rather than me as only a mom. this is a great time to have this conversation - but someone else needs to give the good advice, as I am all ears.

I am a very, very sick puppy. When I read this paragraph (and I kid you not here), my immediate reaction was:

You have to start looking at university catalogs when they're only four?!?!

I guess I haven't quite gotten over that bump of thinking about other things -- like me -- just yet.

I'm in the middle of looking at pre-school applications right now. We just missed the Dec 15 deadline that a lot of the schools have for applying for next Sept. I gave up on one application when I reached the following question. Note: (1) I am not making this up and (2) my son is now nineteen months old

Please describe your child's special interests.

My husband wanted to write down "watching tv", but I grabbed the pen out of his hand, while wildly yelling "If we even admit that we own a tv, he'll be rejected!"

-TheEye, who very obviously has absolutely no sense of self whatsoever and has no business posting in this thread and is very, very sorry.

[sylvanb]

Originally posted by hadassahchana

The other thing is that having a baby changed me more than anything else that's ever happened to me, and I can't imagine anything else quite so profound ever happening again. I was such a different person before I had a child that it's almost as though I really did become a new person, and therefore, trying to redefine myself now makes perfect sense.

Cindy

This was me. My Mom isn't a particularly nurturing, warm-fuzzy person, and I had kids because it was what one did. I was totally unprepared for the dimensions of myself that my babies revealed to me.

Before Maryana was born, I vowed that I would not be one of those icky, baby-centered mommies, and that my life wasn't going to change.
:happy:
Unfortunately, I clung to that notion, reinforced by Mary's quiet temperament.

Then Margaret came along, and I realized that I wanted to really enjoy her babyhood. And I did, and I became a much better mom, woman, and human being because of it. I think that spending a few months totally wrapped up in Baby is a wonderful and very natural thing to do.

Still, it is probably prudent to mind one's tongue, especially once you are able to take notice of the larger world once again. And continuing to grow in all directions (and I don't mean physically) is one of the best things a mom can do for herself, her marriage, and her kids.

[theeye]

Heh. Just went and reread that editorial of yours, Amy.

I loved it when I first read it and I love it now. Thanks for reminding me of it.

The truth is that, while my son does occupy an awful lot of my thoughts and conversation, I still do have other interests. And I agree 100% with your thesis. It's just that I also have a newfound (and somewhat dubious) interest in the properties of poop.

Or, as my husband always puts it: No, our lives haven't really changed all that much. We never had a life before, either.

[sylvanb]

Originally posted by theeye You have to start looking at university catalogs when they're only four?!?!
[/b]

Oh -- I assumed Cindy was looking at catalogs for herself!

Which is it, Cindy? :p

[theeye]

Ok, to get back to Amy's original question on a serious note.

In my case -- and I by no means mean to imply that this will be the case for everyone -- I think that having a baby later in life (I was a few weeks away from my 39th birthday when The Poopster was born) helped.

I had already established myself as an adult with adult interests and adult relationships. I think I was also less overwhelmed by new parenthood than I might have been if I had come to it younger, which left me more emotional energy to devote to myself.

And I have both an outside career and a (very wonderful) nanny. As my husband puts it, there's nothing like paid help.

This is not to say that a young, stay-at-home parent can't manage to maintain the balance just as well, but I think that (for me, at least) it would have been a lot harder that way.

[hadassahchana[$]]

Sylvan, the catalogues are for me. Now, I just have to decide what I want to do when (and if ) I grow up.

And theeye, I was 27 when my first was born , so I wasn't exactly a young mom, at least not compared to the other mums in my childbirth class. It's just that even then, I hadn't decided what I wanted to really acomplish with my life. I already had my degree, and in fact had just started a new program at university when I found I was pregnant, thus leaving me with one year of Japanese language and culture.

Cindy

[sylvanb]

Originally posted by hadassahchana
Sylvan, the catalogues are for me. Now, I just have to decide what I want to do when (and if ) I grow up.
Cindy

Yay for you!

I went back to school when the girls were in kindergarten/preschool, and have changed, um, "careers," about a dozen times. By the time I grow up I will be retired

Never never never regretted staying home those first years, though.

[nifer]

If you don't mind a suggestion from someone who has chosen to not have children, but is at that age where everyone around her is, here it goes...

My friends with kids don't care about me anymore. Okay, I know that's not really true, but their actions and remarks don't prove otherwise. For example, I can be speaking with my friend, we'll call her Katy, and I'll say, "The most wonderful thing is happening in my career right now..." and as quick as opportunity presents itself, she changes the topic to, "Junior tried to flush the dog the other day," or something else baby-focused. When several of my kid-owning friends are in a room together, I'm usually the first to get drunk.

Now, I know that they probably don't give a spit about my career, the car I'm thinking of buying, the new designer in town, where I'm traveling to next, etc. But as a friend, it would be nice if they pretended to care as much about what I find important in my life as I do about what they find important in theirs. My experience has been that once people have children they become VERY baby-focused -- it's understandable, because this is your child, a piece of you, you love it deeply, I get it. But I listen attentively to them talk about all sorts of things that leave me thinking about getting mine AND my husband's tubes tied, and yet I still show them the courtesy of listening, of conversing, asking questions and showing true interest.

I'm really not asking for much, am I? Just show a little interest. Maybe even go as far as to take a couple minutes while your baby's sleeping to check out my company's website, or read a few pages from the book I tried to tell you was incredible. God knows I've learned everything there is to know about kids from conception to saving for college on a budget in order to continue intelligently conversing with you...just show a little interest so I'm reminded why we became friends in the first place.



Geesh. Don't get me started, hey?

xoxo ~ jennifer

[jo.com]

I was 26 when I had my first and went on to go to graduate school after my 2nd so I certainly had my hands full. In spite of that my kids are my priority and even at 21 and 23 if I am around other parents, we most often talk about the children. Not exclusively - we have other interests - but children are a huge part (not just a part) of one's life. I also have friends who do not have children and unless they ask me about my girls, I don't talk children.