FWD: Humor

[jgibson2[$]]

Found this in my email this morning.

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a
young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large
insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and
arranging to have her killed.


A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld
figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband
that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband
said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any
cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.


Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his
wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.


Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the
dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.


A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway
grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and
proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.


As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to
the floor the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly
onto the scene.


Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to
strangle the produce manager as well.


Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden
camera and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately
called the police.


Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.


Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the
sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless
husband.



And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:





You're going to hate me for this:





"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY"

[ms_n]

I don't hate you. But, I don't think I'll ever be able to eat another artichoke ever again. sigh.

[Helen_B[$]]

This calls for a reply.

Once upon a time, Roy Rogers bought a new pair of cowboy boots. They were wonderful boots, and after lovingly polishing them, Roy left them out on the porch of his ranch house and went to bed. In the morning, when Roy went to get the new boots, he found them shredded up and torn to pieces. He was sure that a cougar had caused this devastation, so he saddled up his horse Trigger, grabbed his rifle, kissed his wife Dale goodbye, and rode off up into the hills.
Roy was gone for a long time. Finally, as the sun was setting, he rode his horse into the yard, and he had a dead cougar with him. Dale saw him ride up, and when she came out to greet him she said:

"Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"


Try singing this to the first few bars of "Chattanooga Choo-choo".

[jgibson2[$]]

And there's more:

Where do you find elephants?
It depends on where you lost them.

Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?
Because the white ones get dirty too fast.

Why do elephants live in herds?
To get a wholesale reduction on the blue tennis shoes.

Why do elephants float on their backs?
So they don't get their tennis shoes wet.

What goes clomp,clomp,clomp, squish ,clomp,clomp,clomp, wish..?
An elephant with a wet tennis shoe!

How many elephants can you fit in a taxi?
Four. (One next to the driver and 3 in back)

How many giraffes can you fit in a taxi?
None, it's full of elephants.

How do you know when an elephant is visiting your house?
There's a taxi outside with three elephants in it.

How do you put an elephant into refrigerator?
Open door, put elephant in, close door.

How do you put a giraffe into refrigerator?
Open door, get elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.

Why are there so many elephants running around free in the
jungle?
Fridge isn't large enough to hold them all.

How do elephants get up into oak trees?
They sit on an acorn and wait.

How do elephants get down from oak trees?
They sit on a leaf and wait for autumn.

Why are crocodiles long, thin, and flat?
They walk under trees in Autumn.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
From jumping out of oak trees - they're impatient!

Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?
To soften their landing when they jump out of oak trees.

[Helen_B[$]]

Why do elephants paint their toenails all different colors?
To hide in jelly bean patches.