Help! Advice, please?

**hadassahchana**[$] · #1 06-20-2007, 11:09 AM

I need some quick advice. #1 is working in New Mexico at the boyscout ranch. He likes his job. The guys he drove down with are coming home early because they don't like it there, but #1 was going to finish out the summer because it would otherwise leave his employer stuck with no cook.

Ok- he just called, and there is an employee who is supposed to come in and tell them what the state health inspector will be looking for. Prior to this, the boys had asked for a copy of the guidelines, and also some celaning supplies. #1 said the kitchen was so disgusting when he arrived that he had to clean with hand soap (all he had) before he would cook in it, and they have been trying to celan up armed only with dish soap ever since.

The guy came in and ripped #1 a new one. He screamed and screamed at him about the kitchen, how he hand't done anything right and wasn't using the safety equipment - but they haven't been given any. And still don't have real cleaning supplies.

He called #1 fat, stupid and lazy, a sissy, and then fat and stupid again. He ended it by shoving him. #1 actually kept his temper and didn't toss him out onto the front porch. Howver, the guys who came with have decided that two weeks notice is too much and are leaving this a.m.

I told #1 to go talk with the HR guy who hired him, and to stay if it gets resolved, but to leave if it doesn't. But, I'm worried that this isn't good advice. I have no idea what to do about this situation. Up untl now, he enjoyed his job, or at least enjoyed the perks - he gets to hike, and has entered himself into a rodeo, which he is eager to do.

Ok - quickly, what should I tell him, and what should he do about this? Be honest.

*emeleel* · #2 06-20-2007, 11:21 AM

Your advice sounds good to me, with just one question. If #1 doesn't leave with the other guys, how's he going to get home if things don't get resolved and he decides he needs to leave a few days from now?

**hadassahchana**[$] · #3 06-20-2007, 11:25 AM

I'll buy him a ticket to fly home, I guess. He'll have to be in Denver for a night or so, but at Least I can get him back home. Ugh. I hate this. I've had bad work situations, too. I don't want to coddle him, but the name calling and pushing are way over the line, IMO. But then, I'm his mom, and of course I would feel that way.

**mjfrombuffalo**[$] · #4 06-20-2007, 11:28 AM

What does #1 want to do?

**mtomm**[$] · #5 06-20-2007, 11:29 AM

I'd say have him pack his stuff and come home.

**slick4591**[$] · #6 06-20-2007, 11:33 AM

Let #1 decided what he wants to do. You be there for support.

**lynnzop**[$] · #7 06-20-2007, 11:37 AM

He should talk to his boss or whoever hired him and report this asshat who came in and ripped him a new one.

And stick with it. It sounds like he is enjoying himself other than this incident. He's a responsible and ethical person who has been raised to behave like an adult. If the situation continues to deteriorate, he can always fly home as it's planned now (since his "friends" are ditching him).

So, in a nutshell, I think your advice is sound, Cindy. You don't run away from a situation just because one aspect of it is unpleasant.

**hadassahchana**[$] · #8 06-20-2007, 11:38 AM

#1 doesn't know what to do, MJ. The guy was just screaming at#1 and at the wranglers. The wranglers only lead trail rides, and have nothing to do with the kitchen except that they eat there. When #1 told him not to yell at the wranglers, that's when the guy pushed him.

**hadassahchana**[$] · #9 06-20-2007, 11:40 AM

Slic, I think you're right. I need to step back. I don't want to make him always depend on me, but I want him to know that I'm good with whatever he decides.

And Lynn, yep - that was my first thought, too. I've had my share of really awful bosses, and you sort of have to put up with crap, sadly enough.

Ok, off to try and get ahold of him. Thanks, guys.

**thinkerlady**[$] · #10 06-20-2007, 11:42 AM

Pushing him is physical abuse. He should NOT accept that in any situation. I say get out of there, but make it well known that the physical action took place.

**lynnzop**[$] · #11 06-20-2007, 11:54 AM

I don't agree, Angie. Yes, it's physical abuse. But if #1 enjoys what he's doing, and it's giving him an experience that he won't get anywhere else, he's not the one who should be punished. The guy will just abuse anyone else who comes around. He needs to be reported.

**AuntieEmma**[$] · #12 06-20-2007, 12:22 PM

I think it's his decision. He should be made aware, if he isn't already, that he has the right to report the incident to the owners (or whoever it is that is in charge) or to the police. But he doesn't have to exercise his rights every single time there is an opportunity to do so, and he has to decide whether he thinks it's to his advantage to do so in this situation.

eris esoteric · #13 06-20-2007, 12:24 PM

I say go with Slick's advice. And just remind #1 that the asshat's behavior is exactly WHY you're so proud that he acts like a decent human being. And that that's why it's so important to be a decent human being, because the people the asshats shove around are people too.

**thinkerlady**[$] · #14 06-20-2007, 12:59 PM

See Lynn, that is the Philadelphia in me.

I wouldn't want my child working where he or she risks being physically touched in any way. Yes it is his decision, but he has to know that the kind of response he received is not acceptable in any form, from a superior or a co-worker. This person who pushed him must be held accountable for his actions. And, if #1 chooses to stay he has to have some assurance that it will not happen again.

That kind of reaction would never be tolerated in these parts.

phoenixx · #15 06-20-2007, 02:16 PM

If his backup is leaving, in the face of physical and verbal abuse he needs to go with them, even if he doesn't want to. The poor kid is getting a host of life lessons on disappointment this summer isn't he?

**hadassahchana**[$] · #16 06-20-2007, 05:56 PM

Leslie, you're sure right about that.

Ok, here's where we're at now-

He went in and spoke with the HR guy. Who said that the guy who ripped into #1 is usually one of their best employees, and actually some of the kids who've been there before agreed with this. However, everything was just terrible in terms of that kitchen - they didn't even have fire extinguishers where they were supposed to be. Not #1's fault, but the NM health inspectors are touchy guys who have closed down the entire camp before, so everyone gets jumpy.

Which does not excuse what the guy said. I misunderstood, too - the guy didn't push #1, he leaned up into his face as if he were about to push him. #1 told me he gave him That Look, and he backed down. So, the kitchen has now been supplied with safety equipment, cleaners, and #1 has a list of guidelines for a commercial kitchen. The HR guy is going to call a meeting between the guy who lost it, the wranglers (all of whom threatened to quit if Avi went home!) and the various camp bosses.

#1 is staying. He really wanted to stick it out, and knowing that I am good with whatever he does made hime feel better- Slick, that was great advice. Ok, so I got off the phone and cried. He is my kid, and my first instinct os to go there and start slapping. But, he needs to learn how to handle it himself. Ouch- that's not so easy for his mom.

Next- finding a rope for the bull riding. He is officially entered into the rodeo. He has friends. And he has Gary to buy a ticket if he needs to come home and I happen to be on holiday or something. I think it's worked out, at least for the moment.

Angie, I totally agree, btw. If they guy really had pushed him, I was going to get him back home ASAP. That isn't ok no matter how stressed you are, and he's already had his fill of that sort of thing (not from me, I shoud add!).

You guys are so smart! I was too panicky to figure out what to do. I was at Helen's house reading the replies as I waited for #1's various phone calls. You all really helped me out.

**theworm**[$] · #17 06-20-2007, 08:12 PM

You handled this right. Let him decide what he wants to do and support him in that decision. Let him take his problem to the HR guy. It's a shame that he has to deal with so much BS politics at a summer job, but it's good training and he's handling it well. If he wants to leave he'll tell you.

**Prepoia**[$] · #18 06-20-2007, 08:36 PM

I think it's a good lesson as well. Only he knows the entire situation which makes it difficult for those who love him because bitch slapping sounded really good after the first phone call.

I'll bet that it made the guy mad that he told him what he thought about the wranglers getting yelled at too. One of life's really hard lessons....know when to hold them and know when to fold them...as Kenny Rogers would have said before his face changed so much that he probably can't say much of anything anymore. Anyhow, to quote one of my mother's favorite sayings (as long as every mother since Eve) Speak when you're spoken to and learn to read other people's body English before you decide to speak. (Well, it was something like that

wivabef · #19 06-20-2007, 10:11 PM

Cindy, you did remarkably well! How admirable considering how hard it is to let go. You have grown yourself a man, my friend. And a man is never to tough to seek the advice of his mother.

I'm glad he's sticking it out.

**slick4591**[$] · #20 06-21-2007, 12:20 AM

It was one of those bumps in the road a man has to figure out for himself. Good job Mom!