How to kill a pissy mood

[eris esoteric]

10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should



AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

[eris esoteric]

Test of Wisdom

Keep this in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumor!

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness.

Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary...."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true.


You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness.

Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

[eris esoteric]

Two men were sitting next to each other in a bar: "I cant help but think, listening to you, that you’re from Ireland."

“Yes, I am.”

"So am I. And where in ireland did you live?”

“I’m from Dublin.”

"Sure and begora, so am I. And what street did you live on?”

“I lived on McCleary street, a lovely area.”

"Faith, its a small world, so did I. And what school did you attend?”

"Well now, I went to St. Marys, of course.”

"I can’t believe all this, what year did you graduate?”

“I graduated in ‘64.”

"The good lord must be smiling down on us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe I graduated from St Marys also in 64.

Just then another guy walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, "Its going to be a long night the Murphy twins are drunk again.”

[eris esoteric]

• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  
• Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
  
• Half the people you know are below average.
  
• 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  
• 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  
• All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
  
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
  
• How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
  
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  
• When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  
• Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
  
• I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
  
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  
• My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
  
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  
• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
  
• The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

[eris esoteric]

WHY MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE--Or what do you expect from such simple creatures!?

• Your last name stays put.
  
• The garage is all yours.
  
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  
• Chocolate is just another snack.
  
• You can be president.
  
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
  
• You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.
  
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  
• The world is your urinal.
  
• You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too
• icky.
  
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
  
• Same work, more pay.
  
• Wrinkles add character.
  
• Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
  
• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
  
• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
  
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  
• One mood, ALL the time.
  
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  
• You can open all your own jars.
  
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  
• If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
  
• Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
  
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
  
• You almost never have strap problems in public.
  
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
  
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
  
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
  
• You only have to shave your face and neck.
  
• You can play with toys all your life.
  
• Your belly usually hides your big hips.
  
• One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
  
• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
  
• You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
  
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
  
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45
• minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

[eris esoteric]

Why do men die first?

• If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework you’re a pansy.
  
• If you work too hard, there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's affirmative action.
  
• If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
  
• If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
  
• If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
  
• If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.
  
• If you appreciate the female form, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're gay. If you like a woman to shave her legs, wear sexy lingerie and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
  
• If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
  
• If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you aren't, you're not ambitious.
  
• If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

So why do men die first? Because they want to.

[eris esoteric]

The Rules, the male version.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

[eris esoteric]

A Bible Teacher asked her class to write notes "to God". Here are some they handed in:

Dear God:
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool.
-----
Dear God:
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You keep the ones You already have?
-----
Dear God:
Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other if they had their own rooms. That's what my Mom did for me and my brother.
-----
Dear God:
If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
-----
Dear God:
I bet it is very hard to love everyone in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I'm having a hard time loving all of them.
-----
Dear God:
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?
-----
Dear God:
Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?
-----
Dear God:
Is it true my father won't get into heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
-----
Dear God:
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
-----
Dear God:
Who draws the lines around the countries?
-----
Dear God:
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that OK?
-----
Dear God:
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to get my brother good.
-----
Dear God:
Thank You for the baby brother, but I think you got confused because what I prayed for was a puppy.
-----
Dear God:
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
-----
Dear God:
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.
-----
Dear God:
You don't have to worry about me; I always look both ways.
-----
Dear God:
I think about You sometimes, even when I'm not praying.
-----
Dear God:
Of all the people who worked for You, I like Noah and David the best.
-----
Dear God:
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?
-----
Dear God:
I would like to live 900 years just like the guy in the Bible.
-----
Dear God:
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So, I bet he stole Your idea.

[eris esoteric]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so then pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex." "Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

[eris esoteric]

There was this church that had a very big busted organist - her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played - they distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled - something had to be done about them or they would have to get another organist. One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to put alum on them and maybe they would shrink in size - she agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol - we will not hath a thermon today."

[eris esoteric]

The Differences Between Men and Women, Part 900,000,001:

NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

[eris esoteric]

One Saturday morning a man gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog, and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and head down the road.

Coming out of his garage, rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the Weather Channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible!".

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that stuff?"

[eris esoteric]

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws. "You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.

His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles,” she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"

The boy looked up, "Really?"

"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles." The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."

[eris esoteric]

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

[eris esoteric]

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's computer. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.

"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

[eris esoteric]

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

[eris esoteric]

Andy Rooney on Vegetarians: Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter."

Andy Rooney on Prisoners: Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.

Andy Rooney on morning differences: Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Andy Rooney on phone-in-polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know," It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Give me the phone. (Says into the phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."

Andy Rooney on cripes: My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake,' Who would that be; Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

Andy Rooney on Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday

[eris esoteric]

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

[eris esoteric]

Paddy, the hard-drinking Irishman, is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course,causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.

Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing.

Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says, "Fer Cryin' Out Loud, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"