Helping a friend who's husband just died

[wivabef]

I have a friend who's husband just died.

It was a long, long battle with ups and downs starting with testicular cancer diagnosis in the 90s, followed by full recovery with bouts of neuropathy, followed by leukeumia with a bone marrow transplant that seemed to take until July 4 when he became ill with double pneumonia and never recovered.

I give the background, because it is not a sudden or unexpected loss, which will effect the answers to my question.

I want to help her where help is needed...and she doesn't volunteer that information.

She doesn't need food. She won't let anyone do cleaning. All who are visiting form New Hampshire and afar have rides from the airport.

Perhaps it is simply showing up. Or perhaps the need isn't immediate...and it wlil be more important for me to be there when the relatives and far away friends have gone home.

He was a good friend to me, too. In recent years, they stayed the conservative course...he was the editor-in-chief of CNS.com, she an essential staff member with Senator Roberts... and we stayed away from political discussions. But the love of the Red Sox, a strong faith and a shared French Canadian background have kept us in touch through the years.

It has been rough for them...lots of death since the new century began... his parents and brothers her father.

And it is the first time for me to have a contemporary with whom I am close die and leave children behind.

sigh.

I know we have widows and widowers here. Can you offer suggestions? How best to ease this burden?

[mjfrombuffalo[$]]

wivabef said

Perhaps it is simply showing up. Or perhaps the need isn't immediate...and it wlil be more important for me to be there when the relatives and far away friends have gone home.

Both. Show up now, stop by later. Especially with people who don't want to ask for help, it's good to make casual, off-hand sounding offers later, like "I'm going to the store, need anything while I'm there?" or "Want me to take the kids off your hands for a couple hours?" Phone calls or notes or emails on important anniversaries are good too - like his birthday, their anniversary - even years later.

[lynnzop[$]]

What MJ said.

And hugs...I'm sorry you lost your friend.

[taurusmoon]

I'm living that with a close friend of mine who lost her husband a few years ago (also a friend -- and like you, the first one I've lost). MJ is 100% on the mark. She's going to need you for years into the future. Just be there for her. You'll know when she needs you.

[thinkerlady[$]]

I concur. Also, after everyone leaves, and life goes "back to normal", remember it will never be normal again. It has changed. Be there for your friend to help her through the change.

And remember the good times. It is good to share the funny memories. It helps.

[conradd]

One of the most important things I've found with the Gold Star families I am in contact with is that they don't want their family member to ever be forgotten. So, share your memories. It's possible to laugh and cry at the same time - and it really helps the healing process. More than anything though, just be there for her. MJ's suggestions were so good.

[frazzledspice]

I'm so sorry you've lost your friend, Elysabeth, and that he left behind a grieving wife and children.

Sometimes schools will have "Rainbows" programs (originally called "Rainbows for God's Children") for children who have lost a parent through divorce or death.

I think that much of the children's future depends on how strong the surviving parent is (and how much support (s)he receives.) When we were about 40, we had several friends and acquaintances die--breast cancer, lung cancer, heart trouble.

The two saddest situations were when one friend died of asbestiosis--his wife died two months later, of a heart attack. Boys were teens. But their next door neighbor said it was almost as if "T" knew that "J" would not live long without him, and he taught the boys to be extremely self-sufficient in the year he had before he died.

In another sad case, "R" died of lung cancer, leaving two boys and a teenage girl. Her husband had been a serious alcoholic. I heard the boys weren't doing too well after we moved, and, when we recently got an alumni directory from the school, we learned that the boy who was my oldest son's age had died at some point....

But when the surviving parent is strong, the children generally become more resilient, too, and face the future well-equipped to deal with life's challenges.

[theworm[$]]

What they all said. Just be a friend and be around.
I know that I've heard that when someone dies, so often people are afraid to talk about him because they don't want to make the survivers cry, but the memories are what they have left and they cherish them. Share happy memories, talk about him. If you have photos to share or stories to recount.
I'm so sorry for the loss.

[Prepoia[$]]

thinkerlady said

I concur. Also, after everyone leaves, and life goes "back to normal", remember it will never be normal again. It has changed. Be there for your friend to help her through the change.

And remember the good times. It is good to share the funny memories. It helps.

I agree with this and with you all. There will be an adjustment even though he'd been sick a long time.

[thinkerlady[$]]

The loss of my mother-in-law has left a huge hole in our lives. The family has changed. Everyone's priorities are different and so the absence of Mom makes the extended family different. I know in our immediate family here, we have had to adjust to the little changes. Marissa first noticed it on her birthday--there wasn't a card from Grandmom. We have things from her house now in our house. They are still in a bag, but we all know they are here. The first time I went to the cemetery and saw her name on the stone. That was hard. But as my husband said it is a chapter in our lives that has closed. Now we figure out how to go on.

It is important to remember him. Your friend needs to know you remember him, and them, they way they were before. The children need to know that other people still love them, and even tho they may feel different, they aren't really.

My uncle died when his children were all 4 and under. To this day my cousins ask me questions about their dad. They never knew him. The last time I was with my cousin, she asked me something, and then remarked at how much I loved my uncle. I did. But she never had a chance to love her dad in person, only in memory.

Be with your friend Elysabeth. Even in the silence, be at her side as much as is possible.

[wivabef]

This is good advise. It pretty much falls in with what I thought I should do. I lost my father and watched what happened around my mother and these are some of the things that I saw suggested. Like stopping by the store.

One woman came to my mom's house and took her hamper and walked away with it. My mom said, "June! What are you up to?"

"I am great with laundry. It will be ironed and folded by this afternoon."

All of her family is arriving today and tomorrow. I will swung by with a couple dozen bagels and cream cheeses, OJ and coffee and a bowl of fruit. That should get them through breakfast on Monday morning when they all have to be at the church for the viewing.

One of the things I was trying to get her to do was to come here to eat as Johns Hopkins is nearer to me than it was to her. She really liked that idea. So, I think I'll invite her and the kids to dinner when I find out when her family is gone.

There is plenty to laugh about! They are fun people. I went through my phot album and found a few photos of them.

Sigh.

Thanks for all your good advice. I couldn't even fathom being in her position. All the decisions she must make alone. The children growing up with out their father. Growing old without him. My heart aches for her. They were meant to be. I had never met a couple so in synch.

[wivabef]

This is my friend's obituary.

David Thibault, RIP: Farewell to a Friend -- 07/20/2007

[hadassahchana[$]]

Just exactly what MJ said. Be there often. If she doesn't tell you to go away, assume she wants and needs you there. If she forgets to thank you, assume she is thinking it inside. You'll know when she needs a bit more space. Hugs again for being such a great friend- she is going to need so much love and encouragement, she is lucky to have someone like you in her life.

[jgibson2[$]]

A friend who lost her husband said that while it was never easy, the first year was the hardest. Just as their first year together was filled with first's, the year after his death was filled with first's without - first Christmas without him. First birthday without him. First Valentine's Day, anniversary, etc.

Those days she truly appreciated the friends who remembered and were there for her.

[pippadaisy[$]]