Daily joke thread 2.0

[hadassahchana[$]]

I can't find the old Your Daily Joke, so here is the updated version.




Q. What did the Dalai Lama say to the hot dog vendor?

A. "Make me one with everything."

Corollary:

The Lama gave the hot dog vendor a twenty for the hot dog, and the vendor put it in his pocket.

"Hey, where's my change?" protested the Lama.

"Ah," said the hot dog man. "Change must come from within."

[lynnzop[$]]

[Helen_B[$]]

Pretty funny!

[witchzenka]

Can I tell a semi-dirty one?

[magenta321]

I don't see why not, but that's just the comment of someone who has been here a while, not someone who is a mod. Sometimes people put a warning that says it's NSFW/K which means "not safe for work/kids" and put the spoiler tags around them when they say something a little off-color. That way people who want to see it, will, and anyone who doesn't want to see it has been warned.

[witchzenka]

All right, then. Blatant innuendo of sexual content to follow:


It'll be here soon...


Any second now...


Ok.

An Alaskan brings his snowmobile in for some repairs. While's he's waiting for the mechanic to figure out what's wrong with his machine, he goes for some lunch.
When he gets back, the mechanic said "You blew a seal!"
Embarrassed, he wipes his mouth quickly and says "Oh, no, it's just mayo!"

[mjfrombuffalo[$]]

[mjfrombuffalo[$]]

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! 'Help me dear,' she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. 'I'm dying over here and you're putting?'

'Don't worry dear,' says the husband calmly, 'they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.'

'Well, how long will it take for him to get here,' she asks feebly?

'No time at all,' says her husband. 'Everybody's already agreed to let him play through.'

[lynnzop[$]]

And I somehow missed (or forgot) the seal one. That made me snort laugh.

[hadassahchana[$]]

I never saw the seal one either, but I think I just hurt myself laughing at both of them!

[Prepoia[$]]

I loved the golf one. Reminds me of real life The seal is an ewwwwie one.

[mjfrombuffalo[$]]

Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day enjoying the fishing, which was super.

At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet in twenty years at the same place and renew the experience.

Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!"

The other replied, "No, it's not!"

The first man said, "Yes, it is, I recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side."

To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by its clover."

[emeleel]

The famous author Alexander Dumas met with his housekeeper and cook every Monday to discuss the household accounts and to see what needed to be purchased for the upcoming week. One Monday, while they were discussing food, the cook noted that she needed a can of shortening.

Dumas, in haste, checked off the wrong column on the order form, and accidentally purchased 10 cans for 10 weeks instead of one can for one week.

On the following Monday when they checked the food supply, the cook said, "One can of shortening in use and nine in reserve." The following Monday, she reported, "One can of shortening in use and 19 in reserve." A week later, there were 29 cans of shortening in reserve.

It was about this time that Dumas wrote his famous novel ....

"The Count of Mounting Crisco"

[Helen_B[$]]

Chuckle!

[emeleel]

A professional circus clown woke up one morning with a terrible crick in his neck. He could hardly move, much less work, so he went to the doctor to see what was wrong. After a complete physical, the doctor asked, "Did you go to bed in your clown makeup and costume last night?" "Yes, I did," the clown answered. "Well, I wouldn't worry about it. You just slept funny."

[hadassahchana[$]]

How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw in the lightbulb, and one to hold the penis.
I mean ladder.

[amykhar]

{groan}

[mtomm[$]]

Okay, that was funny.

[mjfrombuffalo[$]]

LOL

A trivia fact for you:

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

[hadassahchana[$]]

Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two- but how in hell did they get in there in the first place?

[hadassahchana[$]]

And one for Deb-



Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting statistics cow.

Interrupting statis-

MU!

[emeleel]

MJ's reminded me:



1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumfurence. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said,'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium, at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes in-verse.

21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

[taurusmoon]

I hadn't heard some of those.