What Not to Say at Parent-Teacher Conferences

[conradd]

Leslie, I like your daughter's thought process. Being able to think outside the box is an essential life skill. And it's going to make parent teacher conferences very interesting. I've got a son like that and lived through it.

[mjfrombuffalo[$]]

emeleel said

They left the kid?!?!

Angry mom stood up and walked out with the expectation that her son would follow (the kid's 12, after all). He didn't, just looked at Hubby with big eyes. The parents hadn't even gone out of the building before the kid went trotting after them. It was one of those "I don't even want to look at you right now" parental anger moments, not an "I'm abandoning my child" moment.

[emeleel]

LOL - I thought maybe they got angry enough to forget that Jr. was with them and left. Not so much they deliberately left him.

[lynnzop[$]]

Uh, so this conference was a surprise to them? I mean, insert our names and Jeremy's and you've got a typical conversation with a teacher for the last 8 years (except he's not usually disruptive in class, except for that whole "I don't want to wear shoes" thing).

We usually just look at the teacher (and Jeremy) and say "Welcome to our world. Now, what are we going to do about it?"

[mjfrombuffalo[$]]

Apparently it was news to them - either the frequency of class disruption or the severity or both. Perhaps it's escalated this year, perhaps they didn't "get it" last year, perhaps the teachers soft-pedaled it before, who knows. But Hubby came up with a LOT of responses he could have given when the kid said "What should I do now":

- "Go out in the hallway and try to get another set of parents to adopt you"
- "Your homework"
- "Buy your parents one heck of a great Christmas present in hopes they forget this conference"
-etc...

[lynnzop[$]]

I guess there are some folks who just don't pay attention (or choose to ignore) what is going on with their own kids.

My own haha conference story is the shoes one. Jeremy is in second grade. We go in to talk to the teacher (who is GREAT...Bree had her, we know her personally, and she's one of those teachers who is willing to think outside the box to work with kids) and the conference is going along as expected, when suddenly she says "Does he have a problem with his feet? Because he walks in the door, sits down and his desk and takes off his shoes. He puts them back on for lunch and recess, but the minute he's back at his desk, they are off again."

We all laughed, said "no, no problem with his feet, he just doesn't like shoes" and moved on to the ITBS scores, which she was excited to share with us. Even at that age, he was testing out in some subjects at 12th grade level...the shoes really didn't seem to be quite so important then.

[mjfrombuffalo[$]]

lynnzop said

I guess there are some folks who just don't pay attention (or choose to ignore) what is going on with their own kids.

In fairness to the parents (and at the risk of derailing my own thread), kids' behavior can change radically at puberty, and not necessarily in all environments. Plus at this school, the parents might not have been told last year that problems were brewing. Hubby's regularly cursing the 5th grade teachers under his breath because they didn't seem to give the parents a lot of authentic feedback on their kids' behavior or academic performance, which makes him suddenly the bearer of bad news since he doesn't sugar-coat grades or behavior reports. He's also aggravated with some of the other teachers' lack of classroom management - kids that are fine with him are running circles (literally) around the room when other teachers come in to do special classes.

and about the shoes.

[pippadaisy[$]]

There are also teachers who try to be tactful and parents take it at face value. And you also have parents who are the opposite of parents like Judy, who refuse to believe their pweshuss widdle angel should be disciplined. I'm up front with the teachers from the get-go and if I hear even an inkling of something that happened, I fire off an email so they know I want to work with them on it. I get far less of the "independent sort... marches to beat of own drummer" now and more "Your kid doesn't like to socialize, but has some very unique ideas that get the class talking."

[jgibson2[$]]

Pippa,
Funny you should mention that about parents thinking their child's excrement doesn't smell.

My oldest was being bullied repeatedly by the same kid. A typical incident occurred when the teacher handed out test papers and the bully took a swing at my son, inciting a classroom incident. Both kids got sent to the office and bully got a delay on the test (at least this was my son's suspicion).

The principal called us both in and informed us that if there were any more incidents she would have to suspend both boys.

I asked what her plan was for keeping them from getting behind in their school work (plan was in-school suspension). The other mom said, "But I wouldn't want him to be punished for something he didn't do."

[pippadaisy[$]]

Judy, I'm finding that is more and more the case, which is why I'm considered the hardass mom. Friends of Beanie's NEVER get grounded. Teachers are constantly calling parents in who refuse to believe their child could have done something wrong, much less deserve repercussions.

Beanie's teacher last year was WONDERFUL... she did send Beanie to the principal's office, but only once before she realized why that was NOT the way to deal with a situation with Beanie before figuring out the WHY of what happened. As for Buster... LOL. I walked up to the principal AND the bus driver after I heard from Beanie the principal had pulled him off the bus. I spoke with the bus driver three consecutive days in a row, explained what I thought the issue was that was driving the behavior, and how I'd like to see him correct the situation that was providing Buster the opportunity to act up, then told the principal what I'd done.

I swear the woman looked like she was going to pass out when I said "Beanie told me you pulled Buster off the bus. I spoke with Bus Driver about the behavior, which he has been punished for, and have told Buster that he is not to sit with Acting Up Child #2 since they seem to feed off each other. If the problem continues, he can sit with his sister instead of another friend, who will, in the nature of 7-yr-old girls, report each and every breath he takes. Neither of them wish that to happen, but please let me know if he does it again."

I really think she expected me to go off on her for taking him off the bus to talk to him.

[jgibson2[$]]

One thing I REALLY like about this co-op is that there are no parents who think their kids are perfect. All adults are expected to call kids on inappropriate behavior and report it to the child's parent (usually mom) if necessary. I don't go to moms about kids who repeatedly get excited and stand on their chairs (up to about 3rd grade). Them I quietly remind that, for safety reasons, they need to sit down. On their bottoms. Again, and again, and again -- but not nearly so often as in September.

The 5th grader who suggested playing spin-the-bottle and then tried to explain it to the other kids got to have a chat with his mom. Mostly because he argued with me when I suggested that it wasn't a school-related activity.

[pippadaisy[$]]

Oddly enough, I didn't meet any of those parents in my homeschooling group either. I started meeting them in school.

[emeleel]

Imagine that.

[jenninca]

mjfrombuffalo said

Hubby's regularly cursing the 5th grade teachers under his breath because they didn't seem to give the parents a lot of authentic feedback on their kids' behavior or academic performance, which makes him suddenly the bearer of bad news since he doesn't sugar-coat grades or behavior reports.

I LOVED being a a fifth grade teacher after the group of fourth grade teachers in the school where I taught. The fourth grade teachers got on the kids about EVERY LITTLE THING and never let up - so of course the kids got frustrated (and thus worse-behaved) and the parents got frustrated that their kids were in trouble so often. The other fifth grade teachers and I could overlook a lot of the harmless stuff (I don't care if the kid sits on his feet, calls out every so often, etc.) and *poof* - the kids were suddenly that much better. So many parents came to conferences loving us because their kids weren't in trouble half as much as the year before.