Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for Horrible Writing

[Grouch]

You know Bulwer-Lytton, don't you?
He of the "It was a dark and stormy night" infamy....

Each year, San Jose State University holds a contest wherein modern-day Bulwer-Lyttons are invited to submit their absolute very worst beginning to an imaginary novel.

This year's winner:

On reflection, Angela perceived that her relationship with Tom had always been rocky, not quite a roller-coaster ride but more like when the toilet paper roll gets a little squashed so it hangs crooked and every time you pull some off you can hear the rest going bumpity-bumpity in its holder until you go nuts and push it back into shape, a degree of annoyance that Angela had now almost attained.

How about it, EA? Go ahead, give us your worst. And if you're German, give us your wurst--we're hungry.

To start things off, I offer up this:

It was spring: that turbulent, topsy-turvy, sweaty-palm, humid-armpit, halitosis-mouth, rumpled-clothes, not-sure-if-she-really-likes-me-for-who-I-am season.

[CurtisEdmonds]

Oh, you're trying too hard.

The proposed demonstration project will meet the purposes and requirements of section 762 and 763 of Title VII, Part D, of the Higher Education Act of 1965, as amended by the Higher Education Amendments of 1998, Pub.L.105-244. This proposed project meets each of the three authorized activities under those sections. This proposed demonstration project will provide innovative, effective and efficient strategies to provide faculty and administrators with the skills and supports necessary to provide distance learning services to students with disabilities. It will enhance the available professional development options available on a nationwide basis in accessible distance learning.

Actual quote, Curtis D. Edmonds, “Building Capacity for Distance Learning Access”, grant proposal, Department of Education Office of Postsecondary Education, Demonstration Projects to Ensure Students with Disabilities Receive a Quality Higher Education Program, 2002.

[ms_n]

She wanted the kind of hug you want after you spend a morning with barking sea lions, are finished determining the many uses of kelp, dodged duck poop for an hour while walking around a pond of bacteria-infested water, and watched the American soap opera "Passions" followed by Japanese satellite tv for an entire afternoon, as the little two-footer gingerly looked into her grandfather's eyes and said, "Let's see if you can give me a wedgie."

[AuntieEmma[$]]

I'll never forget the day I met John, which was a Wednesday or maybe a Thursday.

[MrsNormanMaine[$]]

The goon-faced man smacked his rubbery lips together, reminding Clarissa of nothing so much as that time in the jungle when the baboon had dropped from the concealing canopy of the banyan tree and onto her mother's picture hat and begun calmly eating the silk orchids, which had been bought at Michael's only a week before; having finished his lip exercises, he actually began to vocalize, with all the tender sounds of a screech owl on the hunt for petrified mice - "Would you like fries with that?" he asked her.

[kurt_messick]

We had something similar in this strand.