Book Exercises Wanna Help?

[amykhar]

I am currently reading a book about self-editing works of fiction. As part of the exercises, I have decided to take a silly little story that I wrote for the writer's corner and use it for the exercises. I want to maintain an online record of the progress of the story in case I want to show some tangible aspect of improvement or lack thereof for the review of the writing book.

So, I plan on posting the various drafts here. If you want, I am open to criticism and discussion about the various drafts and the advice the book gives. Either that, or you can ignore me and I'll just talk to myself in here

Amy

[amykhar]

I can’t stand my best friend Jane’s boyfriend Jack. Of course, I can’t tell her that; it’s just not done. Therefore, every time I see him, I grit my teeth and politely guide him to the hot topics that will let him show off his worst side. Hell, I figure if I give the man enough rope, Jane will eventually see him for the jerk that he is.

Jack, of course, hates me as well. He knows I think he’s a jerk. I also believe that he also knows he’s a jerk and will do anything to keep Jane from finding out. Anything, including murder.

Jack killed me last night.

I have to wonder if that changes the rules about telling Jane that her boyfriend is a jerk. I am not too good with this whole female code thing. I mean, I don’t want Jane dating a murderer for crying out loud, but I also don’t want to lose her friendship because after I tell her what I think about Jack, she might need to distance herself from me in order to save face.

In addition, I am new to this whole ghost business. If I tell her that Jack killed me, and she believes me and he is prosecuted, will that free my soul to move on to another plane? I am not too sure about this other plane business. I mean, I understand this plane. If I keep my mouth shut, maybe I could just hang out here and watch my friends. But what if Jack kills Jane? Would that damn me to hell because I didn’t warn her? Is there a rule book for this sort of thing?

The other problem is how do I tell her even if I decide to tell her? Finding the words will be hard enough. "Uhh, Jane? Jack told me to stay the hell away from you last night, and when I didn’t, he slammed my head into the wall.” Yeah. That will go over big. So, let's say I do find the right words to tell her that the man she has been sleeping with for the last three years is a murderer. How do I tell her? Thus far, nobody seems to see or hear me. Well, except for you. Why can you hear me when nobody else can?

So, now you know. My best friend’s boyfriend is a murdering jerk and I can’t figure out how to tell her or even if I should tell her. What do you think I should do?

[amykhar]

The book advises to replace narrative with scenes that convey the same information. I HATE writing dialogue, but I'm game to try.

--------------
Please don’t be scared. I need to talk to you about something. And I need your honest advice. First, let me tell you what happened. Then, I need to know what you would do. You see, I had a party last night. Remember? I know you said you couldn’t come because you didn’t feel well, but Sally and I think you really didn’t come because Jack was going to be there. No matter.

Are you OK? You still look a bit pale. Here, sit down. Pour yourself a good drink if you think it will help. I don’t need anything. I’m not angry. I just need to talk. What I really want to tell you about is after the party.

”God, I can’t stand that man,” I muttered to Sally as I shut the door behind Jack.
“He is an insufferable boor,” Sally replied. “I don’t know how Jane puts up with him.”
“I swear, if I had to hear him tell anyone else one more time about how wonderful he was to make the reservations for tonight’s dinner, I would have smacked him upside his self-important head.”
“And did you hear how he kept going on about how he's not going to ‘allow’ Jane to go out with us next weekend?” Sally asked. “Allowed? First of all, he’s not her husband. He’s her boyfriend. Second of all, even if they were married... Allowed? Christ. That man is too big a jerk to live”

I plopped down on the sofa, one leg curled under me and shook my head in disgust. Sally, Michelle, Karen, Liz, Jane and I were supposed to go shopping next weekend. Now, Jack was jealous and it looked like Jane might not be coming along after all. Jane was the heart of our group, and without her, I sincerely doubted the rest of us would make the trip.

“He's worried I’m going to be a bad influence on Jane. That’s why he doesn’t want her hanging out with us anymore. He knows I hate him, and the feeling is mutual. You, on the other hand, are still in his good graces. He still thinks he can win you and Michelle over so that Jane won’t dump him,” I complained.
“Win us over? That’s a laugh. Michelle and I were talking to Karen and Liz, and none of us can stand him. How in hell can Jane not see what an asshole he is? Jane's one of the sweetest people on earth. She can certainly do better than that waste of space.”

Sally turned to go, and I rose to hug her goodbye. I put my hand on her arm and shook my head. “I do so wish there was some way we could tell Jane how we felt. But I couldn’t bear to hurt her. Could you?”
“No,” Sally said. “As much as I want to, I can’t tell her either. None of us can.”

Sally left for the night, and I promised to call her tomorrow. Then, I started my nightly routine of putting the dishes in the sink, turning off the lights, and locking up.

Just before I headed for my room, I heard a knock on the door. Surprised, I peeked out the window and saw Jack on my doorstep. Inwardly groaning, I opened the door.

“What’s up, Jack?”
“Look, it’s time we talked,” he replied. “I want you to quit calling Jane. I am sick and tired of her spending every last minute with you, Sally, and Liz. Every time I turn around, she’s on the phone with one or the other of you. She needs to spend some time at home with me for a change.”
“Jack, give it a rest. Jane is a big girl and you cannot stop her from having friends. Maybe if you would quit being such a controlling jerk, she would want to spend more time with you.”

Jack’s face turned red with pure rage. I probably went too far with the controlling jerk part, but it was too late now. I had said it. My big mouth is always getting me in trouble. That’s where you come in.

Jack killed me last night.

I have to wonder if that changes the rules about telling Jane that her boyfriend is a jerk. I am not too good with this whole female code thing. I mean, I don’t want Jane dating a murderer for crying out loud, but I also don’t want to lose her friendship because after I tell her what I think about Jack, she might need to distance herself from me in order to save face.

In addition, I am new to this whole ghost business. If I tell her that Jack killed me, and she believes me and he is prosecuted, will that free my soul to move on to another plane? I am not too sure about this other plane business. I mean, I understand this plane. If I keep my mouth shut, maybe I could just hang out here and watch my friends. But what if Jack kills Jane? Would that damn me to hell because I didn’t warn her? Is there a rule book for this sort of thing?

The other problem is how do I tell her even if I decide to tell her? Finding the words will be hard enough. "Uhh, Jane? Jack told me to stay the hell away from you last night, and when I didn’t, he slammed my head into the wall.” Yeah. That will go over big. So, let's say I do find the right words to tell her that the man she has been sleeping with for the last three years is a murderer. How do I tell her? Thus far, nobody seems to see or hear me. Well, except for you. Why can you hear me when nobody else can?

So, now you know. My best friend’s boyfriend is a murdering jerk and I can’t figure out how to tell her or even if I should tell her. What do you think I should do?

[murasaki]

Pssst - Right after where the narrator says "Jack, give it a rest..." shouldn't that be "Jane"?

The dialogue sounds natural. This is a great story! I want more!

--naomi

[amykhar]

Thanks for catching that

[theworm[$]]

I loved this story when I first read it! The changes do work. I'm with Naomi - I want more!

[amykhar]

This one covers two chapters in the book - Point of view and the mechanics of dialogue. I didn't have to tweak too much for the mechanics part, but I am not thrilled with the point of view yet. I am trying to figure out how to show the scene of the previous night to introduce Jack's personality and transition smoothly to the present tense when the narrator is speaking to the reader.

It still feels clumsy to me, and will probably change.

--------------
”God, I can’t stand that man,” I said after I shut the door behind Jack and Jane.
“He is an insufferable boor,” Sally replied. “I don’t know how Jane puts up with him.”
“I swear, if I had to hear him tell anyone else one more time about how wonderful he was to make the reservations for tonight’s dinner, I would have smacked him upside his self-important head.”
“And did you hear how he kept going on about how he's not going to ‘allow’ Jane to go out with us next weekend?” Sally asked. “Allow? First of all, he’s not her husband. He’s her boyfriend. Second of all, even if they were married... Allow? Christ. That man is too big a jerk to live”

I plopped down on the sofa, one leg curled under me and shook my head in disgust. Sally, Michelle, Karen, Liz, Jane and I were supposed to go shopping next weekend. Now, Jack was jealous and it looked like Jane might not be coming along after all. Jane was the heart of our group, and without her, I sincerely doubted the rest of us would make the trip.

“He's worried I’m going to be a bad influence on Jane. That’s why he doesn’t want her hanging out with us anymore. He knows I hate him, and the feeling is mutual. You, on the other hand, are still in his good graces. He still thinks he can win you and Michelle over so that Jane won’t dump him,” I said.
“Win us over? That’s a laugh. Michelle and I were talking to Karen and Liz, and none of us can stand him. How in hell can Jane not see what an asshole he is? Jane's one of the sweetest people on earth. She can certainly do better than that waste of space,”

Sally turned to go, and I rose to hug her goodbye. I put my hand on her arm and shook my head. “I do so wish there was some way we could tell Jane how we felt. But I couldn’t bear to hurt her. Could you?”
“No,” Sally said. “As much as I want to, I can’t tell her either. None of us can.”

Sally left for the night, and I promised to call her tomorrow. Then, I started my nightly routine of putting the dishes in the sink, turning off the lights, and locking up.

Just before I headed for my room, I heard a knock on the door. Surprised, I peeked out the window and saw Jack on my doorstep. Inwardly groaning, I opened the door.

“What’s up, Jack?”
“Look, it’s time we talked,” he answered. “I want you to quit calling Jane. I am sick and tired of her spending every last minute with you, Sally, and Liz. Every time I turn around, she’s on the phone with one or the other of you. She needs to spend some time at home with me for a change.”
“Jack, give it a rest. Jane is a big girl and you cannot stop her from having friends. Maybe if you would quit being such a controlling jackass, she would want to spend more time with you.”

Jack’s face turned red with pure rage. I probably went too far with the controlling jackass part, but it was too late now. I had said it. My big mouth is always getting me in trouble. But you know that, right? And I know you feel the same way about Jack as the rest of us do. That’s the real reason you weren’t at the party last night, right? You said you didn’t feel well, but Sally and I both think you didn’t come because you knew Jack was going to be there.

Jack killed me last night.

I have to wonder if that changes the rules about telling Jane that her boyfriend is a jerk. I am not too good with this whole female code thing. I mean, I don’t want Jane dating a murderer for crying out loud, but I also don’t want to lose her friendship because after I tell her what I think about Jack, she might need to distance herself from me in order to save face.

In addition, I am new to this whole ghost business. If I tell her that Jack killed me, and she believes me and he is prosecuted, will that free my soul to move on to another plane? I am not too sure about this other plane business. I mean, I understand this plane. If I keep my mouth shut, maybe I could just hang out here and watch my friends. But what if Jack kills Jane? Would that damn me to hell because I didn’t warn her? Is there a rule book for this sort of thing?

The other problem is how do I tell her even if I decide to tell her? Finding the words will be hard enough. "Uhh, Jane? Jack told me to stay the hell away from you last night, and when I didn’t, he slammed my head into the wall.” Yeah. That will go over big. So, let's say I do find the right words to tell her that the man she has been sleeping with for the last three years is a murderer. How do I tell her? Thus far, nobody seems to see or hear me. Well, except for you. Why can you hear me when nobody else can?

So, now you know. Jack is a murdering jerk and I can’t figure out how to tell Jane or even if I should tell her. What do you think I should do?

[Redlass]

You know, to be honest? I think the story is stronger without the starting dialog.

The original is extremely fresh and creative. It grabs me immediately with something that is different, unusual. It has my attention.

The starting dialog in the revision (in my opinion) takes away some of the shock value. I'd almost rather see it buried as a flashback and keep your original beginning.

(In other words, I think your instincts are stronger than the instructions for exercises in the book. )

[amykhar]

Thank you for confirming what I have been thinking. It felt wrong this way and I have been sitting back trying to figure out how to make it right.

Amy