Help with a sentence

[Redlass]

OK. I'm stuck on a sentence. I can't get it to say what I want with the sound that I want. I'm not sure whether the problem is that the phrase is wrong or that I'm punctuating it incorrectly.

Any advice?

Oh, here's the sentence:

Some books exist simply to amuse us for the period in which we dwell among their pages, being discarded quickly afterward from our memory and heart.

I also tried:

Some books exist simply to amuse us for the period in which we dwell among their pages; quickly to be discarded from our memory and heart.

...but that was even more awkward.

[theeye]

Some books exist simply to amuse us for the period in which we dwell among their pages, being discarded quickly afterward from our memory and heart.

How about....

Some books {seem to?} exist simply to amuse us while we dwell within their pages, only to be quickly discarded from our memory and heart.


The "seem to" weakens the sentence -- I'm not sure how strong a statement you want to make.

"the period in which" seems awkward to me -- I'd prefer the simpler "while". (Note: pot kettle black. I'm a terrible offender on choosing the more complicated phraseology until someone forces me to take a close look -- like you just did )

"dwell within" just seemed better to me than "dwell among", but on second look, I'm not so sure.

"being quickly discarded" definitely seems to me to be the major wrong note here. You could try "only to be" or "and then are".

I'm not going to touch whether it should be "discarded quickly" or "quickly discarded."

Another possibility would be to eliminate the passive "only to be discarded" with a more active "only to disappear quickly".

Hope this helps.....

[AuntieEmma[$]]

Some books exist simply to amuse us for the period in which we dwell among their pages, being discarded quickly afterward from our memory and heart.

I also tried:

Some books exist simply to amuse us for the period in which we dwell among their pages; quickly to be discarded from our memory and heart.

I like theeye's suggestion. That may be the definitive answer. And I'm certainly Queen of the Pot Calling the Kettle Black Club -- if my sentences were pretzels I could open up a curbside stand. But even though I'm hopeless in dealing with my own sentences, and usually don't even try, I love playing with other people's, so let me take a shot:

I'd look for a way to cut down the number of prepositional phrases. So, "some books exist simply to amuse us" could be "some books amuse us." "For the period" could be "while," as theseeingone suggested. "We dwell among their pages," could be "we are reading them." Oops, I'm overchopping -- this is starting to change your meaning and your nuances. But let me see where this goes, and then deal with that later ... "being discarded" might be simply "discarded." "From our memory and heart" -- hmmm, think you'd have to go to active voice to chop that one. (?)

Okay, so far, that comes out to: Some books amuse us while we are reading them ... oops, doesn't work, the second part doesn't fit. How about this: Some books amuse us only while we're reading them; afterwards, we quickly discard them from our memories and hearts. Or (now trying to put more of your meaning back): Some books amuse us only while we dwell in their pages; when we're done, we quickly discard them from our memories and hearts.

Or trying to make things parallel ... but what? "amuse" and "discard"? "While we dwell in their pages" and "afterwards"? How about this: Some books amuse us as long as we're reading them; but the minute we're done, they vanish without a trace from our memories and hearts.

Sorry -- don't think any of this was very helpful. But thanks for letting me play with your sentence. That was fun.

[Redlass]

Thank you both!!

I combined your two suggestions and got rid of all the fat clogging up the artery of that sentence:

Some books amuse us while we dwell within their pages, when we’re done, we quickly discard them from our memories and hearts.

[AuntieEmma[$]]

Oops. I haven't been able to let this go. I shut off the computer, and this still kept on bouncing around in my mind. And now it's irrelevant, because you're already done, but I seem to be unable to turn off the sentence-tinkering machine (man, this stuff is addictive) ...

Anyway, what I thought off was bringing back the "dwell in their pages" (chopped from my version, not from yours) and tieing the second part of the sentence in by extending the metaphor:

Some books amuse us as long as we're dwelling in their pages; but the minute we shut their covers and put them back on the shelf, we forget they ever existed.

Okay, now I'm going to shut up. Or try, anyway. It's sure fun to tinker with other people's sentences; I wish I could work up half the enthusiasm to tinker with my own. Then I might even be able to shut down that pretzel stand for good.

[theeye]

Bridgette -

If you're going to use this version:

Some books amuse us while we dwell within their pages, when we’re done, we quickly discard them from our memories and hearts.

you need to change that first comma to a semicolon.

Like the Auntie, I've also been turning this around in my (apparently all too empty) head some more. Working with your new formulation, I'd actually add a bit more back into it to get the meaning more in line with your original:

Some books amuse us briefly while we dwell within their pages; when we're done, they quickly vanish from our memories and hearts.

The addition of "briefly" makes it immediately clear that your point is not that they amuse us, but that their amusement value is limited. I like AE's "vanish" and it is more parallel. Also, the plural "memories and hearts" is a must-have improvement.

If you want to get a bit more flowery, you could go with "when we turn the last page" instead of "when we're done".

(Oh -- and feel free to slap me when you feel I'm taking this way beyond where you wanted to go with it. )

-theseeingone (who had to read that quite a few times before she had a clue what her favorite Aunt was talking about)

[Redlass]

This is great! Have the two of you considered careers as editors?

You both have a wonderful sense for honing a sentence without losing its meaning.

[theeye]

Originally posted by Redlass
This is great! Have the two of you considered careers as editors?

You both have a wonderful sense for honing a sentence without losing its meaning.

Nah, I wouldn't want to do it professionally; it's just a hobby. But if someone wants to send me a penny for every word I change and an occasional income share bonus to boot, that would be just fine with me.