There ended up being 11 entries in our eagerly anticipated log review contest. Now it is time to vote for your favorite.

Voting will end at precisely 10am on Sunday, December 1, 2001 (EST)

One vote per member, and you must be a registered member of EA and Epinions.com to vote.

First Prize is a $20 Amazon Gift Certificate.
Second Prize is a pretty nice little surprise gift graciously contributed by Epinions.com

I hope that you all have as much fun reading these as I did. Each and every one of them made this contest worth while.

Amy

Warm Chocolate, Cellophaned Logs and the New Millennium



I bought a log this morning at the Acme. Not a Duraflame log, a real wood log, bundled with a couple other real wood logs, wrapped in cellophane. The packages were stacked high under a sunshine yellow sign "Bundle of Logs - $3.39", and, what with the holidays and all, it seemed a good idea to stock up.

Came home with the bundle of logs and plopped it out on the kitchen counter, amidst the cans of green beans and packages of cookies. My dear husband got the look on his face he often does when I get back from the market, when I've managed an impulse purchase that leaves him speechless. (There is so much more than just groceries at the market nowadays! Sometimes one needs a 6-foot high talking Santa and, if said Santa is mixed in the cart with Lean Cusines and Perdue Chicken Nuggets, so be it.)

Finally, the poor man started to sputter. "What on earth did you buy this wood for?"

"For the holidays, of course, " I replied coolly as I reached for the jumbo bag of Chex Party Mix, swinging on my heels and placing it in just the right spot in the pantry.

"Probably has bugs." he muttered.

"Nonsense, " I retorted, "It is cello wrapped!"

********

The logs in my life weren't always cello wrapped.

We had a fireplace in my home growing up. Before my Dad died, (the week after I turned five), there seemed to be a fire roaring all throughout the winter. Memories before five being what they are, it's quite possible there wasn't a fire going all the time...perhaps I only remember the crisp evenings staring at the fire and have forgotten many other evenings spent staring at the TV. For all I know, maybe Dad only built a fire half a dozen times, but, my, were those times glorious.

I remember one evening, Mom and Dad on the couch, me just feet from the warm fire. I remember the low murmur of their voices, barely heard above the *crackle* and *pop* that accompanied the orange red flames. And I remember my four year old fingers clutching Hershey's kisses, half melted, chocolate oozing all over my palms. I remember not wanting to do anything to disturb the growing mess in my hand because, Daddy had said, when the Kisses were gone, I had to go to bed. A four-year-old plot hatched -- no bed for me as long as the Kisses stayed uneaten! Staying up was better than candy.

The smell of a wood fire mixing with the smell of melting chocolate...the warmth of a wood fire mixing with the warmth of a complete family...

After Dad died, Mom and I didn't make many fires. We had plenty of logs left, stacked neatly in the corner of the backyard. They stayed there through my teenage years until one day my Mom paid a man to haul them away.

We tried to make wood fires a few times, just Mom and me. All in all, it was more trouble than it was worth and when Duraflame introduced its first Firelog, we joined the fire freedom movement of the 1970's. On special occasions, we'd buy a Duraflame or two, throw it on the grate and watch the brightly colored wrapper burn and glow.

Never felt very warm though, you know?


******

Don made a fire last Christmas. It was a lot of fun, after we opened all of the windows and removed all of the batteries from the smoke alarms, that is. Before we took the batteries out, the house was filled with awful shrieking, and even after we opened all of the windows, the smoke did seem to permeate everything.

Don proclaimed, before he started the fire, that the chimney was swept recently. I'm highly doubtful that his definition of the word "recently" and my definition of "recently" are the same thing, as I've been in the house five years now, and I know there's been no chimney sweep on my watch. Anyway, he also swears that he had opened the flue completely, so, according to his version of things, the billows of smoke that didn't go up the chimney but instead spread throughout the house must be completely normal.

Normal or abnormal, the kids got a kick out of the whole adventure, and bugged us for the rest of the winter to make another fire. My response, I'm afraid, was always the same, "Maybe next weekend." I'm a harried parent in the new millennium, you see, and neither my dear husband nor I have gotten around to cleaning up the mess of ashes in the fireplace from the last fire. Also, I've no wood stacked up in the back, not like my Dad did. Last Christmas' fire came from a special trip to the hardware complex, an armful of wood and a Duraflame fire starter log. We've no material for impulse fires. We're not prepared.

All in all though, something in that doesn't feel right to me. While it is logical that I don't have time for wood fires and the trouble and mess that they bring, it is illogical that having all of the other ingredients assembled (Mom, Dad, children, home, happiness), I don't make the extra effort to light up the fireplace and have a cozy winter evening more often. A sinful waste, perhaps.

****

Here, next to my computer, I've got this morning's impulse purchase. Just four logs, rather small, pretty smooth and not buggy at all. I've unwrapped the cellophane and spread them out on the floor so I could write this review for you.

The logs are solid, and fresh and smell, mmmm, smell nice, like memories. I haven't used these particular logs yet, but I expect they will function as the other wood logs in my life have.

I'll lay newspaper and kindling in the fire grate, and place two logs on top of that. I'll search high and low for fireplace matches, and not finding any, will tell Don to start the fire. He'll light a piece of newspaper on fire, nearly miss setting rest of the room ablaze, and end up lighting the right stuff in just the nick of time.

Hopefully, I'll remember to take the smoke detector batteries out first, and open all of the windows just in case.

With only four logs, it won't be a big fire, or a long-lasting fire, but it's a start. I bought the Hershey's Kisses, too.

This one's for you, Daddy.

I had tried everything in my quest to shave three feet off my waistline and prevent the reoccurrence of those heel-sized dents on my bathroom scales. Dr. Fatkins, Jenny Craghm, Dean Cornish’s Wife Diet, Oprah’s Itty Bitty Shitty Snax™, the Sputum Diet®, British ‘cuisine,’ Bronx restaurants, acupuncture, suicide, boy bands, you name it, I’d tried it. I even tried the EA Steppers Club in desperation; I quickly realized I spent more time with my butt triple-parked at the computer chatting than actually moving. No matter what I tried, you could still keep a dozen Givenchy models cool in my shadow. Which doesn’t sound all that striking unless I tell you I could do that at noon.

Then I heard about the Amazing Log Diet® featuring the Amazing Diet Log®. Discovered by accident during Lent by Advanced Religious Manipulation majors at MIT, the Amazing Log Diet® has revolutionized dieting all over the world—or at least the quarter that doesn’t need to gain weight before they can enjoy the fruits, and the Logs, of this paradigm shift in high tech forced starvation procedures.

While the price of the Amazing Log Diet® program might seem excessive (wads of cash up front, self’s & spouse’s bank account numbers, SSNs, & primary credit card numbers), one can recoup much of the costs invested in this incredible diet if one wishes to do so. However, most customers are satisfied with the intangible benefits that accrue from immersion in the Amazing Log Diet® regimen.

The above paragraph might not have made much sense. That’s because the Amazing Log Diet® isn’t your normal diet program. Sure, you’ll get sent a monthly package of custom-prepared-for-your-body-type alternative nutritional base units that will serve as your food during the diet period. Harvested from artificially-grown genetically-engineered cholesterol- & MSG-free organic prokaryote culture in the world-famous St. Ignormus Lala Hydroponics Laboratory at Memphis Institute of Technocracy, the Amazing Log Diet® food substitute contains all the vitamins, minerals, fiber, complex carbohydrates, amino acids, dehydrogenated polyunsaturated fatty acids, and pure Cali cartel cocaine required for healthy living.

But it isn’t the nutritive element that makes the Amazing Log Diet® so much fun. No, the pleasure and joy of this extraordinary diet comes as much from the immediate physical products of this diet as the transitional lessening of body tissue. And what is this product? Why, the Amazing Diet Log®, of course!

Making an Amazing Diet Log® couldn’t be simpler! Approximately half an hour after you have partaken of the special Amazing Log Diet® fodder, you’ll feel a distinctive bulge in your rectal regions. It’s time to retire to the restroom with the international patent-pending Log Sack™. Just apply the form-fitting one-size-fits-all, vacuum-sealing, leak-proof neourethane Log Sack™ with Supaflex™ technology (lovingly honed to a flatness exceeding MIL Spec-A221-84D to reduce surface irritation) to your posterior, trip the mercury switch to activate suction, taking care to ensure that the space age Kryptonium™ Tri-Lox™ seal has engaged successfully, and fire those torpedoes down the sphincter!

After all the puppies have been ejected from the hatch, just place your Log Sack™ in the supplied Amazing Autoclave™, set it on medium bake and sit back and enjoy a novel or surf for porn for a couple of hours while the Amazing HydroWix™ technology implemented in the Amazing Autoclave™ removes 99.999937% of the moisture and presents a piping fresh Amazing Diet Log®!

While most people find themselves using the standard Amazing Diet Log® for household chores, connoisseurs need not fret that their creativity will be stifled. For a nominal extra cost (secondary credit card numbers), you can choose from a wide variety of Log Sack™s with innovative internal ribbing for textural effects and blockages for volumetric effects for your Logs. Roseanne Barr has already had several of her prodigious Logs with rifled and knurled surfaces snapped up by the Museum of Modern Fart, where they were promptly ensured popularity thanks to Giuliani’s campaign against such ‘filthy art.’ “TWO THUMBS UP!” raved international art critics, calling the Amazing Diet Log® a “stunning proto-pseudopostmodernistic metaphor for Man’s eternal give-and-take with Nature,” a “dynamic statement on the futility of endeavoring to halt the march of entropy,” and the “most important cultural innovation since whatshisname started pissing on the canvas and calling it Art.”

But if you’re not interested in marketing your Logs as Art, have no fear! You can still use them as… logs! The Amazing Diet Log® is environmentally friendly. Consisting only of carbon, hydrogen and oxygen atoms, it poses no risk of NOx pollution, and due to its high hydrogen content, steam is the primary combustion product. Due to the extreme desiccation and porosity, they can also be used as sponges—just put them back in the Amazing Autoclave™ for fast dehydration before reuse. The Amazing Diet Log® can also be used in your home as paperweights, doorstops, pet scratching posts, etc., and more uses are being generated daily by enthusiastic Amazing Diet Log® users.

Coming in drab olives, insipid yellows, and camo browns and greens, the average Amazing Diet Log® isn’t all that visually appealing. Now, you could apply a brush and spiffy up the puppies in a jiffy, but MIT Amazing Log Diet® Inc., a community-oriented company, recommends sending your Logs to your community school art teachers. They can then have their young charges lovingly finger-paint the masterpieces you’ve strained so hard to produce; the more advanced students could take on more challenging projects such as sculpting your Logs into replicas of famous sculptures such as the Stinker. Whatever they do with your Logs at your schools, you will gain the satisfaction of knowing that you are fostering a lasting bond between generations old and new.

As far as whether the Amazing Log Diet® actually works, we all know dieting, for most people, is just another miracle cure we turn to in order to feel accepted in society. Well, with the hours and hours of fun you’ll have with your Amazing Diet Log®s resulting from the Amazing Log Diet®, you won’t need to worry about such mundane matters anymore. I may look funny to everyone else…

… but I know where my next Yuletide log will come from.

An Exercise in Fueltility

I'm a city dweller.

I wake each morning to the bracing, if not intoxicating, scent of vehicle exhaust fumes, and the humming and occasional chirping of steel belted radials on asphalt covered streets. The honking of taxicab horns, the shouted expletives of rage-filled drivers and their pedestrian prey, and the plaintive wail of sirens are, at least to me, soothing and familiar.

Nature is good old-fashioned concrete, glass, aluminum and steel.

Wildlife means late nights, aged spirits, and youthful women. Maybe a Jaguar if times are good, or a sable for my wife if I haven't been. I clothe myself in black and shades of gray. Green…anything at all green…is definitely not trendy, unless you can fold it and carry it in your wallet.

But that other, more primitive, kind of nature sometimes intrudes even in my urban world. Insects, birds, rodents and other horrid, crawling, hopping, slinking, flying things furtively find their way into the best of neighborhoods and homes.

And we kill them for their indiscretion.

Or, if their size or demeanor promises danger or too great of an oozing messiness in effecting their demise, we hire someone else to do it.

My ideal world is one of pristine artificiality, so I approached this assignment to write of a log…common, raw, unfinished wood…with great trepidation.

I originally intended to purchase a log, albeit a rather diminutive, benign one, so that I could thoroughly and honestly evaluate its potential uses and provide you with the "Most Helpful" of all log reviews. But to bring such an object into my home was simply out of the question.

The truth is logs are quite unsanitary. A log, after all, is a rather coarse and dirty thing that was once part of a tree; a living thing that thrust itself up from the worm-infested soil, as if trying desperately to escape the smothering foulness of the wretched, dark, dank earth that gave birth to it.

Who knows what microscopic but still revolting life forms may even now be crawling on its lifeless, dismembered carcass, or what it may have come in contact with during its loathsome, loamy life.

I'm by no means a naturalist or an expert in animal behavior, but we all know what male dogs do against trees don't we? Oh, dear!

And what of those teeming hordes of arboreal dwelling creatures that spend their entire lives salivating, urinating, defecating and fornicating in those very trees?

If one should wish to purchase a log, I wonder if it is possible to order only pre-scrubbed and sterilized segments in hope of eliminating all traces of the bodily functions of these beasts? Are there reputable log purveyors who could guarantee these things?

I think not.

I fear this whole "log review" idea is hopeless. The very thought of handling the foul and nasty thing is just too traumatizing. I know that magnificent rewards were promised for the winning entry in this contest, but do you have any idea how much my analyst charges me for one hour of curative, verbal purging? And how many hours it would take for me to feel clean again after this well-intentioned but potentially nauseating and health threatening foray into nature?

Forget the gift certificate.

I could probably purchase Amazon.com for what I would have to pay to expunge the memory.

I had hoped to entertain and inform you with anecdotal evidence of the ingenious uses that I found for my log. I thought of so many.

Artistically, I wanted to show you how with a few deft strokes of a sharp implement one could perhaps create several smaller logs out of the original one.

Or how a log could be used to rid one's environs of intruders or unwanted fauna with a properly placed, but forceful, blow. Paperweight, doorstop, meat tenderizer, potato masher, nutcracker even back scratcher…the possibilities are endless! And logs have such sexual potential for both genders, especially if one is blessed with a log having a snug little knothole.

But all is for naught.

I cannot honestly recommend any of these uses if I have not personally tested them. I will not be deceitful with you since you always rely so heavily on my sage advice in making your purchasing decisions.

My apologies to all of you, but I cannot do this.

I must withdraw from this competition.

The rules are quite clear. I cannot review a faux log, or even a sanitized, glossy, polyurethane coated one. It must be a natural log with all of its attendant unpleasantness.

I will not purchase such a log, or bring one into my home.

If I somehow inadvertently found myself in possession of one of these dirty, revolting things, my only inclination would be to immediately burn it.

A Grand Addition to the Disfunctional Family Tree!

Pros: Old folks love it!

Cons: Extremely flammable.

Bottom Line: Buy Treeco’s Log™ because that’s the way Snorky would have wanted it.

Sometimes "the golden years" just aren’t that golden. Failing health, declining mental faculties, Geritol addiction, and a preponderance towards driving incredibly slow on the freeway while grasping the steering wheel tightly in some sort of white-knuckled death grip are just a few of the conditions that plague our senior citizens today. But perhaps nothing is a bigger threat to the well-being of our oldsters than loneliness. It has been scientifically proven that elderly folks who own pets lead a happier, more content, less lonely life than those who do not. My grandma is living proof of that. Gram is 93 years "young", and is still as vibrant and active as women half her age. She is an active member of the Society for Creative Anachronism, plays shuffleboard every Wednesday, is an avid fan of the World Wrestling Federation, and has even been known to occasionally take elderly suitors home from bingo night for a wild, passionate night of hot monkey love. I attribute much of her mental and physical well-being to the healing effects delivered by her long haired Persian cat, Snorky.

Unfortunately, Snorky passed away recently, and we (my cousins and I) observed a noticeable decline in Grandma’s spirits shortly thereafter. They say that curiousity killed the cat, and that was certainly true in Snorky’s case. It seems that Snorky had been rummaging around in Grandma’s closet when he inadvertently stumbled upon her LSD stash. After eating half a sheet of Gram’s high-grade acid (the good stuff, the kind that would make Timothy Leary curl up into a fetal position and whimper), Snorky spent the next week contemplating his own tail before finally succombing to a massive brain hemmhorage. R.I.P., Snorky.

Snorky had always been a fine companion for Grandma; he was affectionate, quiet (we had his larynx surgically removed), extremely tidy, and only on rare occasion did he make wild lunges at her face, claws fully extended, ruthlessly scratching at her eyes and mouth in a vicious display of savage feline bloodlust. Yes, Snorky was a good cat, and we knew Gram missed him terribly.

My cousins and I determined that, though Snorky was absolutely one of a kind, we needed to procure another pet for Grandma to help ease the pain of losing her long-time friend, a replacement pet as it were. We went to our favorite hangout and discussed these issues. Should we get Grandma another cat? Perhaps a dog, this time? A Boston terrier or a German Shepherd? Maybe a nice weiner dog (or "Datsun" as Cousin Bernie called them)? Between the seemingly endless rounds of whisky sours intermingled with an occasional five dollar lap dance, we determined to go the dachshund route. As we stumbled from the strip club, fighting the effects of double vision and a slogging stomach full of hard alcohol, the excessive consumption finally got to lightweight Cousin Marty who decorated the walls of "The Kit-Kat Club" with his own artistic blend of recycled whisky and last night’s tuna fish sandwiches. The bouncers gathered round and helped expedite our exit, flinging us headfirst through the front door.

As I spit the blood/gravel mixture out of my mouth, I realized that I had dropped every last penny I owned at the fabulous Kit-Kat. "Hey," I asked, "does any of you guyss haves any moneys left to buy dog with, please?" I wasn’t slurring too badly. Everyone emptied their pockets and to our dismay discovered that between us all we had less than $20 to purchase Gram a weiner dog.

"We’ll never get a weiners dog with only $20!" I lamented, the inebriation fading from me as I realized the dire situation we were in.

"Well, there’s a Walmart right over there!" chimed in Cousin Bernie, "Maybe we can get her a gerbil or something!"

"Rrrrrrrrrawwwwwwwwwrff!" Cousin Marty apparently had some last reserve of whisky and tuna fish sandwiches left in him. It’s just too bad that the guy with the Jaguar left his window open.

So we staggered to the Walmart on a quest for gerbil.

"Hey, did you ever here that rumor about Richard Gere?" asked Cousin Bernie.

"Shut up!" I responded with vigor, my revulsion betraying the fact that, yes, I HAD heard the rumor about Richard Gere.

We traversed the front entrance of Wally World’s massive consumer wonderland, and were promptly greeted by a friendly, blue-haired Walmart employee.

"Excuse me, lady!" asked Cousin Bernie, "Can you tell us where the gerbil section is!"

We were launched into a state of instant depression upon learning that this Walmart did not sell gerbils, hamsters, or even cheap weiner dogs. We determined that we would look around anyway, just in case there was SOMETHING in there that we could purchase for under $20 to lift Grandma’s spirits.

It was by pure chance that we stumbled upon Treeco’s Log™, and what a providential discovery it was! Retailing for a mere $11.99, this versatile product could seemingly fit any need!

"You know," commented Cousin Bernie, "Grandma’s vision isn’t that slick anymore, and this Log™ IS about the same size as a small dog!"

He had a point. Grandma’s vision had been weak as of late; we often found her mistaking fire hydrants for small children, and toaster ovens for raccoons or other mid-sized rodents. It just might work! We examined the packaging more closely. It seems that Treeco manufactured its Log™ from only the finest Peruvian Pine, and it was lovingly hand-crafted by skilled artisans and was precision cut by high-tech CNC machinery using only the sharpest blades. And it was only $11.99, we would have enough money left over for nachos & cheese and a six-pack of Carling’s Black Label light beer! We were sold.

After purchasing the Log™ (and other assorted goodies), we apprehensively made our way to grandmother’s trailer, wondering if the dear lady would believe that the Log™ was really a Dog™. We eventually arrived there, and Grandma seeemed truly happy for our visit. "C’mon in, you rapscallions!" she greeted us. Entering Grandma’s double-wide always brought back strong childhood memories with its "Velvet Elvis"/"Dogs Playing Poker" décor and the scent of freshly-sparked doobies wafting through the air. "It’s so good to see you boys. NOW YOU MUST RUB MY CORNS!"

We always made Cousin Marty, being the smallest and weakest, undertake such unpleasant tasks. She lofted her stinky, wrinkled up old feet towards him and he commenced with the rubbing activities.

"Now Gram, I know you’ve been missing old Snorky, rest his acidhead soul, and nothing could ever truly take his place, but we decided that it would be good for you to have some companionship around here. That’s why we bought you this little weiner dog! Here ya go!" I gently placed the Treeco Log™ in her lap.

Cousin Bernie chimed in, "His name’s Woody!" That was too much, we started laughing uncontrollably at our apparently successful deception.

"Oh, he’s just lovely. I’ve been missing Snorky so. Thank you. Thank you, boys!" Grandma beamed, as she stroked the Peruvian Pine. "I THINK HE’S GOT MANGE!"

"Well, ummm, maybe you should give him a bath," I suggested, "Here, we bought some special mange shampoo, too!" I furtively looked around, trying to determine what we could use as Woody’s special mange shampoo. I grabbed a half-full beer from Cousin Bernie’s hands and offered it to her. "Here ya go, Grandma! Special weiner dog mange shampoo!"

"Bless you, bless you good boys. I don’t know what I’d do without your kindness. GO RUN THE BATH WATER!"

Cousin Marty leaped up and worked his magic "corn massagin’ fingers" on the faucet, and Grandma took the Log™ and dragged it into the bathroom.

"Told ya it’d work," Cousin Bernie slyly whispered to me as Grandma poured beer on the piece of wood floating in her tub.

"You were right, you were absolutely right." I always admired Cousin Bernie’s inventiveness.

It ended up that Gram really grew to love that old Log™. She would constantly pet and stroke it, regaling it with stories of the good old days. It brightened her life, and it made us beam with pride that we had brought her such happiness. She would drag it with her everywhere she went, garnering strange looks from all she met; however, she was a bit suspicious that it would never consumer its Puppy Chow, so we sent Cousin Marty into her house every night to dispose of the excess "weiner dog food."

Her vision really was failing, but she was convinced that she had trained Woody to help guide her through dangerous areas. She dragged the chunk of wood across busy intersections with her, convinced that she had a highly skilled seeing-eye dog. We joked among ourselves that it was actually a seeing-eye Log™! We would laugh and laugh! But she really loved that piece of lumber.

Treeco’s Log™ has proven to be very durable, even after six months its bark is not peeling and it appears no worse for the wear. It is light-brownish in color, weighs around seven pounds, and has a coarse, barkish texture. Everyone’s grandma should own one!

Other Treeco products include Stick™, Branch™, Stump™, Leaf™, and the Big Johnny Oak MX-70 Vibrating Joy Toy™ (the last remnant of Treeco’s former product line before a string of civil lawsuits and product recalls forced an internal strategic planning reevaluation.) After Snorky’s unfortunate demise, we did briefly consider purchasing the BJO MX-70 to provide Gram with the companionship she so desperately craved, but ultimately decided that due to known "splintering" problems this would prove a poor substitute for her much-beloved kitty friend. Thus, we selected Log™, and it is a decision we have never regretted. You should buy Log™ for all the old people

EPINNOCHIO
(A horrible, blatant cut-and-paste effort from the original not unlike many
lousy overrated reviews on Epinions.com)


CHAPTER 1


Months ago there lived--


"A venture capitalist who knew that investing in a business with no
sustainable stream of revenue was as good as tossing his money down a
bottomless pit!" my little readers will say immediately.


No, you stupid rubberstamping morons, you are mistaken. Once upon a time
there was a DuraFlame firelog. It was not an impressive piece of wood. Far
from it. Just a common fake log in a wrapper, one of those fake,
environmentally-friendly logs that are put on the fire in winter to make
venture capitalists' homes look swanky to impress their mistresses.


This one wound up in the hands of such a venture capitalist. "This has come
in the nick of time," he said. "I will burn it in my fireplace while I try
to impress my girlfriend and have sex with her. Thank goodness my wife is
out of town!"


He peeled off the wrapper that clearly said "DO NOT REMOVE WRAPPER" On it to
see the shape the wood. Perhaps, with a little sanding and A bleaching out
of the chemicals, he might shape something that might pleasure his
girlfriend out of it. But as he was about to chisel a bit of the exterior of
the log off, little voice say in a beseeching tone: "Please be careful! Do
not hit me so hard!"


He turned frightened eyes about the room to find out where that wee, little
voice had come from and he saw no one! Perhaps it was all the cocaine he had
snorted the day before in a party with several other dot-com venture
capitalists. He looked under the bench--no one! He peeped inside the
closet--no one! He searched among the shavings-- no one! He opened the door
to look up and down the street--and still no one!


He grabbed the naked firelog with both hands and started to smack it about
unmercifully. He threw it to the floor, against the walls of the room, and
even up to the ceiling.


"Stop it! Oh, stop it! That really hurts!"


The venture capitalist was stunned... a talking firelog!


What would he burn to impress his girlfriend now? He dug around his desk for
Dr. Koop and eToys stock certificates... they were cheaper per pound than
wood now, anyway.



CHAPTER 2


In that very instant, a loud knock sounded on the door. "Come in," said the
venture capitalist.


At the words, the door opened and a dapper little old man came in. His name
was Niravettolia. Niravettolia had a very bad temper.


"Good day, Mr. Venture Capitalist," said Niravettolia. "I want more of your
money to spend on fast cars, loose women, and a whole company full of people
to spend the rest of it."


"Do you think me a fool?" said the venture capitalist. "Come up with a
business plan full of harebrained concepts and technological jargon first
that I have no hope of understanding, and then I will give it you and expect
a ludicrous return on my investment."


"Okay," said Niravettolia. "By the way, nice wood."


"Thanks," said the venture capitalist, thinking that his crotch had been
paid a compliment. "It's for my girlfriend."


"Well, perhaps I could come up with something with that wood," said
Niravettolia. "Something that would be able to do tricks, learn about new
products, and give advice on how to get the best deal for your money from
the general public."


"Odd," said the venture capitalist. "Usually all I can do else with it is
pee."


"No, you fool," said the firelog. "He's talking about me."


The two men stared at the firelog, stunned.


"Will you two hurry up," said the firelog. "Make something out of me quickly
before people just hit the NH buton and move on to some other entry in this
stupid write-off."


The venture capitalist handed the haunted piece of chemical-soaked wood to
Niravettolia, wrote him a huge check, and shooed the web-charlatan out of
his house.


CHAPTER 3


Niravettolia's office was in the ludicrously expensive part of the Valley of
Silicon. Many of the dot-com ventures in this region also had prime office
space in the same building and block, and many a time did they hobnob and
party and discuss the latest plans to bilk foolish investors and venture
capitalists out of their money for empty promises and flawed business plans.


"Get a load of my idea," said Niravettolia to his pals. "I got a block of
firelog without the wrapper and a huge check. I think I will carve a puppet
out of the log and call it... Epinionocchio!"


He was pelted with wineglasses, cheese, and crackers until he left the
party.


Sullen and bored, Niravettolia sat at his glass-topped desk and looked at
the log. "So, are you ready?" he asked it.


"What kid of drugs are you on, pal?" it asked. "You're talking to a
firelog."


He carved out a head, some arms, some legs, a body, and all the parts of a
puppet that a puppet might need. He hinged the limbs in such a way so that
they could hang and move freely. Since Niravettolia was inebriated from the
party, his workmanship wasn't up to par, and occasionally a limb would end
up longer or shorter than its mate, or the hinges would fall off completely
and the head would loll to one side.


"We'll clean that up in 2.0," he mused to himself.


When he carved the eyes, they glared and stared at him. The nose, when he
carved it, was rather plain and ugly. And the mouth, well, it spewed
constant filth and insults at him as he worked on it.


"What kind of horrible craftsman are you?" said the puppet. "I'm a freak!"


"Stop bitching!" said Niravettolia angrily; but he might as well have spoken
to the wall.


"Stop bitching, I say!" he roared in a voice of thunder.


The mouth stopped bitching, but it stuck out a long tongue.


Not wishing to start an argument, Niravettolia made believe he saw nothing
and went on with his work. After the mouth, he made the chin, then the neck,
the shoulders, the stomach, the arms, and the hands.


The puppet, now complete with fingers, raised his middle finger at the
web-charlatan and laughed.


"Epinionocchio, you wicked boy!" he cried out. "You are not yet finished,
and you start out by being impudent to your poor old father. Very bad, my
son, very bad!"


And he wiped away a tear.


"Now I will cash this check, buy myself some hookers, and hire a staff of
people to get this puppet to bring in some helpful and practical purchasing
advice!" He looked down at the wooded boy. "I won't bother policing your
actions, my little friend, so you can go off and play and dance and impress
people with the skill I put into your design. When I get back, I will hire a
staff to help you learn to dance and play in all new ways."


Epinionocchio gave his creator the finger once more, and wandered around in
circles, stumbling and bumping into things.


Nivarettolia shook his head, looked down at the check, grinned, and
sauntered off.



CHAPTER 4


As Niravettolia danced his way to the bank, laughing and cheering,
Epinionochio threw himself on the floor, happy at his escape.


"I will fill my head with wicked thoughts and give away my master's money to
anyone who can trick me," said Epinionocchio. "I don't care what they tell
me, as long as they tell me something and others say it is good."


But his happiness lasted only a short time, for just then he heard someone
saying:


"Cri-cri-cri!"


"Who is calling me?" asked Epinionocchio, greatly frightened.


"I am!"


Epinionocchio turned and saw a large cricket crawling slowly up the wall.


"Yuck!" shouted the puppet. "You're a filthy bug!"


"No," said the cricket. "I am a talking cricket, and I give little puppets
bad advice. I will fill your head with bad ideas, steal money from your
master's pockets, and then wander off to a bar to spend it all."


"What kind of bad advice?" asked the puppet.


"Well, there's all sorts of cool things you can do," said the cricket. "You
could run around causing trouble, give out bad advice, or even smoke a
cigarette."


"It's dangerous for me to smoke a cigarette," said Epinionnochio. "I'm a
DuraFlame log at heart and not a real boy."


"Perhaps the Blue Chip Fairy can make you a real boy," said the cricket.
"She's been known to do that for those born of venture capitalists."


"The Blue Chip Fairy?" asked Epinionocchio. "Where is she?"


The cricket looked the raggedy, off-kilter puppet up and down, smirked, and
said, "Aw, you'll never meet up with her. You're a mistake and a half. Aw,
heck. Go get some cigarettes and light up, boy. It's for the best."


"That sounds like a great idea," said Epinionocchio. "Come down here and
tell me more!"


The cricket did so, and as he was about to tell Epinionocchio all sorts of
bad ideas, the puppet squashed it with his wooden foot.


"I could sure use a cigarette," said the puppet, and he started rifling
through Niravettolia's desk drawers.


CHAPTER 5


Niravettolia took a moment to roll around in the pile of money he'd just
cashed his check from the venture capitalist for. The bank let him go into a
private room, take off his clothes, and roll around in it like many of their
dot-com customers did. They even charged a handling fee for those customers
who didn't feel like swimming around in millions of dollars worth of bad
money thrown in after good money.


"Wheee!" said Niravettolia, thrashing and splashing hundred-dollar bills
about. He had his fun for an hour, put his clothes back on, bundled up the
money in bags, and hauled it off down the street back to his office.


"Wait until Epinionnochio sees all this money," said Niravettolia. "Why,
he'll just brim with ideas for our little business, and he'll start bringing
in the paying customers to get him to give all sorts of slanted and
worthless advice for money to whatever businesses that want him to hawk
their products!" He danced a bit in the street, spilling a few hundred
dollars in his glee, and continued down the road to his office.


"All this carrying huge amounts of money has made me tired," said
Niravettolia. "I should hire my staff soon to carry all the money from
advertising banners and rich content partners for me, and then I can
concentrate on getting even more money from that dumb venture capitalist
when that source runs dry.


He dragged his bags of money up the stairs, walked down the hallway,
unlocked the door to his offices, and there he saw a horrible sight.


Epinionnochio was on fire!


"No! No!" screamed Niravettolia. "No, what have you done, you foolish
puppet!"


Epinionocchio spat the cigarette and growled. "Menthols taste like garbage,"
he said, barely hearable above the crackling and popping of his Crackling
DuraFlame Log body. "Have you got any blunts?"


Niravettolia ran to his office kitchen, grabbed a pitcher, filled it with
water, and ran to save his flaming puppet. Epinionnochio, seeing the pitcher
of water, laughed and ran from his master in circles leaving a trail of
smoke and flame and ash as he ran.


"Hee hee, tee hee," he laughed, coughing great gouts of smoke. "You can't
catch me!"


Niravettolia, panicked, stopped and started to weep. Epinionnochio,
laughing, ran straight into the back of his master and fell to the floor.
"Ooof!" he said.


Niravettolia, singed badly in the brush against his wooden boy, quickly
tossed the pitcher of water on the log. The water quickly hissed and steamed
and a cloud of gray surrounded the wooden boy. Niravettolia coughed and
coughed and sputtered and waved his hands in the fog to clear the smoke.


When the smoke cleared, the wooden boy was a loss, charred and brittle from
the burning. Even though he had been an extra-long DuraFlame Crackling log,
the removal of the wrapper and the running about in the air consumed his
whittled-down body even faster than normal. Niravettolia, tried to cradle
his lost boy, but burned his fingers in the process of reaching for him. He
got a pair of oven mitts from the kitchen and tried again.


"Oh, my poor Epinionnochio!" he cried. "Whatever shall I do!"


CHAPTER 6


The next day, the venture capitalist came to call on Niravettolia to check
up on the craftsman's progress with his money and his DuraFlame log.


"So what have you for me?" said the haughty venture capitalist. "My
girlfriend's in the car outside, so don't take too long in explaining."


Niravettolia sat on the ground, exhausted and all weeped-out from crying
over the loss of his little wooden boy who was supposed to give good
shopping advice to all that would come to him and bring in revenue from ad
banners and content partnerships, only to be turned to ash and woodchips by
his own foolishness.


"I will build a web site in honor of my fallen boy," said Niravettolia. "It
will collect all sorts of purchasing and shopping advice from people across
the land. People will read that advice, and I will give away your money to
those people. And then they will read their own advice again and again, fool
me constantly by pretending to be other people, and I will give even more
money away. And I will call it..."


"Who cares what you call it," said the venture capitalist. "I'm going to
write you an even bigger check right now if you'll build that site and run
into all sorts of errors and delays making it!"


The venture capitalist and Niravettolia hugged, they danced with glee for a
bit around the charred corpse of the puppet, and then they let go of each
other to go about their separate ways.


EPILOGUE


You know the rest, folks. The web site got built, the venture capitalists
got screwed, abusers ruled the day time and time again, and all the decent
hardworking users eventually got made to look like jackasses.


And, sure enough, the Blue Chip Fairy never came.


Imagine that.

Burn Baby Burn

a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a

The Log© Camping Kit...it saved our butts!

Early this previous summer, our family made plans to get out to the great outdoors and go camping in the local State Park. Get back to nature, see some animals, breathe clean air, yadda, yadda, yadda. But since this was our first camping trip, oh how I was dreading the expense of buying all the necessities! A tent for 4, sleeping bags, coolers for the food, a portable stove, cooking gear, folding chairs, utensils and the list just goes on and on. Not only can all that get expensive, but it takes up a lot of room. I knew there was no way we could stash all that in our little Ford Escort.

While worrying about this one night, I was up late, clicking through the channels when what should appear but yet another of those dreaded, idiotic infommercial. Groan, I thought, how boring. But when the camera spun from the audience to the stage set, I didn't see the usual kitchen or bathroom set-up, waiting for the newest and greatest, latest invention designed to make a homemaker's life easier. No, instead I saw...A camp site! Tent, fake fire, fake stream and all, it was a testament to the pliability of plastic in LaLaLand. With camping on my mind already, it certainly caught my eye.

"Ladies and gentlemen, former star of TV's "The Lust Boat", it's Ms. Jill Wheeling!"

Ah. Jill Wheeling, the new side-kick for a man who's been around about as long as Dick Clark, the one, the only Mr. Ron Poopeel! RonComPoop Enterprises has been around for as long as I can remember. Well, this ought to be interesting, I thought. And it certainly was....what I saw before my eyes that night changed my mind and relieved my camping stress in ways I could never have imagined. Ah, what wonders he has wrought for the family that wants to get away from it all! Now, camping truly can be easy, fun and best of all, inexpensive. Mr. Poopeel is the first to come out with........

The Log© Camping Kit

The Log© Camping Kit has pretty much everything you need to camp except the tent and the sleeping bags. When I saw it was only 5 easy payments of $19.99 plus shipping handling, (59.99 in most states) I jumped on it right then and there and got a restful night's sleep. It arrived promptly 5 days later, in plenty of time for us to go camping. The service person on the phone was extremely kind and nice for that time of night. Big thumbs up there!

The basic The Log© Camping Kit consists of:

2 Extra-Large The Logs©
6 Large The Logs©
12 Medium The Logs©
24 Small The Logs©
4 Skinny The Logs©
Variety pack of Mini The Logs© - one gross of varying lengths up to 18 inches long

If you order during an infommercial special time, you will also receive an extra pack of Skinny The Logs©, a life-sized target practice bear poster, a life-sized target practice deer poster, a camping knife, a ball of twine and a box of fishing hooks. One out of every 5 orders will also receive a free Pocket Fisherperson©! You can also order through http://www.onlyidiotsorderfromthetv.com but you will not receive the complimentary items if you do.

All The Logs©, regardless of size, are guaranteed 100% real American hardwoods for durability and strength. The kinds of wood you get may vary, even within a single order, but they will all do the jobs for which they've been selected. They are carefully sawn straight, sanded well on the ends, and are pest free. We found no problems with any of our The Logs© - they performed admirably and we were very pleased.

The Extra-Large The Log©

The primary use for the Extra-Large is for replacing those fold-up chairs. As I mentioned, all The Logs© are sawed to be perfectly flat and sanded smooth on the ends. They make great seats for the adults, or mini-tables for the kids! With no back to them like chairs, these really help you practice proper posture and strengthen your back muscles. If you're lucky enough to be camping next to a small stream with fish, the 2 Extra-Larges can also be used as a base for a dam in order to facilitate catching fish.

The Large The Log©

The Large version has a lot of uses. First, toss out that sledgehammer you were going to bring with you to drive tent pegs - let The Log© do it for you! Simply pile-drive one Large up and down on those peg heads a few times and your job is finished. If you have need the bottom edge of the tent secured to the ground a little tighter, just lay a few Large The Logs© across the bottom seam to hold it down.

If you're building a fishing dam, the Large would be the next layer after the Extra-Large, of course.

The most important use you will find for the Large The Log© is defense, though. Be sure to practice with your The Logs© before you actually set out on your trip. This is where that bear poster comes in handy. Set it up outside against a tree, and practice chucking that log at Smokey's skull. Get good at it - because you only get one shot! We were lucky enough not to need this particular feature, but I was thankful that both my husband and myself had practiced before leaving home - I felt so much safer, knowing we could defend our family if we had to.

The Medium and Small The Log©

These are by far the most versatile of all the standard The Logs©. If the lady of the family is going to be assisting with peg-driving, she will probably find the Medium to fit her grip better. I know I used it and liked it very well, even if I only did one peg on the whole tent. For lightweight tents, a few Mediums would also do well for holding down the edges.

The best use for the Mediums and Small is going to be for your camp fire. No need to bring an axe for chopping down trees, no need to spend half the day gathering fallen wood. Just bring it with you! Included with your kit will be an illustrated guide to building the perfect campfire, so you won't waste any.

Don't forget that dam! These will be your next layer if you decide to build one.

The Skinny The Log©

Now, these are really useful! One of the biggest headaches when going camping is trying to take all the food you need for the entire trip, those huge coolers, all the ice, etc. Just chuck that out, because baby, you don't need to bring it when you've got The Logs©! Want fresh fish? Just tie on some of the string that comes if you order on the phone, add a fishing hook and there you go. Want fresh venison, squirrel, rabbit, bird or some other forest dweller? Take the camping knife (again, this is from phone orders only), whittle the end into a nice sharp point and go spear-hunting. If you received a deer target practice poster with your order, you can practice at home before you go on your trip. At a generous five feet each, there are so many possibilities! We decided to stick with fishing during our trip.

Once you've come up with the catch of the day, you can even use your Skinnies instead of cooking gear. If you haven't already, whittle the ends of your Skinnies into sharp points and simply use them as if cooking hot dogs or marshmallows over the fire. Each person can cook their own food to their own personal tastes, can't beat that! If you don't care to hold your food while cooking, you can cross two Skinnies on each side of the fire into a tall "X", hold them in place with the included twine, then use another Skinny as a spit laid across the "X"s.

If you've ordered over the phone, you will receive an extra set of Skinnies, for a total of 8. With that many, you can use some of them to teach your children (assuming you have them with you) the art of building a lean-to. Or should your tent get blown away or collapse on you, you can use one for yourself.

The Mini The Logs©

You might think that Mini versions of The Log© wouldn't be very useful, but you'd be wrong. Their best use is, of course, as tender for your campfires. But we found other things to do with them too. Remember I said we fished while we were camping? Well, there's no need to pack a scaler for those fish, because the Minis make great fish scalers! As an added bonus, once you've used up one Mini's usefulness as a scaler, the fish oils that it will have picked up help it to burn much better in the camp fire.

The Mini The Log© Variety Pack includes many sizes ranging from 6 inches to 18 inches. Using the larger and medium sizes included, you can also weave yourself a nifty fish trap just like people of yore. You might want to look that up at the library or online before you attempt it - we didn't, so I can't speak to how easy it is.

Minis also make great forks. Simply take one of the 6 inch lengths, split it down from one end about two inches, then soak in water for a few minutes to make it spread open. With a little practice, you can get good enough to make two splits, creating 3 tines for easier food-spearing.

The longer lengths of Minis also take care of another problem that is creating by living in the great outdoors. After you've caught your fish or other wildlife, and consumed them, your body does have some natural functions to take care of. Some of which one does not like to leave lying about in the open, right? But why bother with dragging along a big shovel in the car? Just take three or four of the 18" Minis, bind them tightly with twine, and you've got an instant, disposable shovel!

Overall:

We found our The Log© Camping Kit to be extremely useful and it saved us a bundle as opposed to buying all that camping gear that most people have to buy. It really helped us "get back to nature" instead of bringing along all those modern day conveniences that would have just given us major headaches. Instead, The Logs© were a breeze - they stacked so neatly in the back of our car, much more compactly than a lot of differently-sized gear would have done. You might want to make sure that you have some good work gloves for handling your The Logs© so that you don't get "bark burn", but overall, they were easy to work with, smelled good, were good for the environment, and made the whole camping experience a more natural, wondrous event for all of us. I heartily recommend you get a set for your next camping trip...I honestly don't think you'll be disappointed!

My husband sleeps like one

Pros: Multi-purpose. For instance, can be used to make
things hot.
Cons: You almost always need more than one.
Bottom line: If you use them as visual aids, it helps to
have an imaginative audience.
Recommended: Yes


I bought the product because my best friend asked what my
husband is like to sleep with.


What she really said was, "So, what is Bob like to, you
know, sleep with?" I don't know why she said that "you know"
or why she said it with her little giggle. It made her sound
like she does when she suggests we stop for cherry
cheesecake on our way home after our aerobics class at the
Y.


Her question didn't take me by suprise. She's always asking
me things about Bob. Like about his tools. She'll say, "So,
what's Bob's, you know, hammer like?" Or, "Does Bob have a,
you know, long screwdriver?" That girl's interest in my
husband's hardware is extensive. But whenever I take her
into the garage to show her his toolbox, she gives me the
same look she gives the Dominican girl who does our nails,
the one who is from Dominica and doesn't speak English very
well.


I talk good and all, but there are some things I was taught
not to talk about. Like sleeping with my husband. So I had
to find something to use to show her. At the lumber store I
found lots of them. But they were big and round and they
just didn't remind me of Bob. And the color was wrong. The
store didn't have any silver birch.


So I just picked the closest one. My friend would have to
use her imagination. I got it home and set it near the
fireplace. My plan was to guide her to it an say, "That's
what Bob's like to sleep with." But something didn't look
right. So I set it on its side, and then called my friend.


When she got to our house, I told her that I couldn't answer
her question because there are some things I was raised not
to talk about. She looked disappointed until I told her that
I'd have to show her instead. Then she looked surprised,
kind of like when the man who cleans her pool walks in on
her when she's sunbathing topless, except I don't know why
that's a surprise because it happens two times a week every
week during the summer, and sometimes late into the fall.
And then she has to take the pool man inside to apologize.


So my friend seemed interested when I told her I would show
her what Bob is like to sleep with. I don't know why she
went to the VCR. When I directed her to the fireplace, she
looked disappointed again. But then she asked if Bob was at
the office. Her interest in Bob's schedule is almost as
extensive as her interest in his tools.


After she left, it occurred to me that I have the product
and don't know what to do with it now. I wish my friend had
asked about something we could have just talked about.


Like sex. But she's not the type.

As you all know, I am up on every fad that is hip and happening. Why, such supposed “trend-setters” as Britney Spears, Gweneth Paltrow, and Nirav Tolia call me on a weekly basis to find out what is “new.” Why, here is some of the advice I gave these trendsetters just this past week:

“Gweneth, babe, Pasmina is so 2000. Go for the classic look – a nice Burberry scarf will suit you well.

“Britney, the virgin act is getting old. Time to loosen up, if you know what I mean. Try a leather bustier. Retro is making a big come back, and nothing is more retro than Madonna, circa 1990!”

“Nirav, time for you to give up the ‘I’m your friend, winkie, winkie’ as well as the ‘all your Epinions are belong to us’ attitudes. Let’s try something new – how about straightforward talk. I hear its all the rage.”

Yes, these movers and shakers would not be in touch with what’s happening in this world without me. And now, I shall attempt to help you to be hip and happening. Wow, let’s start with the basics. What type of budget are we working with?

Ahem, ok. So, we are going for thrift store budget. Ok. Well, one way to show you are hip and happening is by accessorizing things you already own. Like a suit. Show me what you’d wear on the average day. Whoa… ok Mr. Travolta, put the white leisure suit away. Hmm. . Maybe we should skip the clothes for today, that will be a major overhaul.

Ok, so we could always accessorize a status symbol you own. Like buying a nice cover for your Palm. No Palm, eh? Hm. Maybe putting colored LCDs into your phone so that the display is a beautiful blue color. No cell phone. Ok. Your car. We could always accessorize your car. No, no. That Nova outside cannot be yours. Oh my. This is going to be difficult.

Let’s see. Your clothes are out of date, as is your car, and all your other material possessions. Maybe we can spruce up your love life. Yes, that’s the ticket.

Ok, well, the Russian bride thing is really making a comeback, you know. Too hairy? Yeah, I guess you are right, and you really don’t have the budget to buy an Epilady at this point do you. Ok, well, give me a minute to think.

Aha! The log. No, you didn’t misunderstand me.

Of course, why didn’t I think of this earlier?

Ok, the log is great. It’s the same size as the ones you would put into your fireplace. But those logs are much too rugged for our purpose. We’ll work out the specifics in a minute, but first, let me tell you why you need a log to be hip and happening.

The log trend started with Yalies. Yale students are not normally known for anything cool (hello, dweebs!) but this time, they are right on the mark.

The log is a portable buddy. Log sits with you while dining at the finest restaurant, but doesn’t order the clams casino and filet mignon. In fact, log is a very cheap date. And, since you paid for dinner (well, for yourself, anyway) you know you can expect some loving. Log is always there when you need someone to play with your wood.

Log also allows you to drive in the carpool lane, which makes you get to work faster, and allows you to be environmentally “with-it.”

And on the environmental front, log is wonderful. Log is made of natural substances, and is completely biodegradable. It is also a great fuel source, and will even help you around the house. In fact, if you need a stepping stool, hassock, end table, or even bookend, log will come to the rescue. And when others see how many uses your log has, they will be green with envy!

Beyond that, log is fully customizable. Women love the rough and rugged “outdoors-ey” log. Men like theirs more refined and smooth. Yours, will of course, be of the smooth variety. And, as a man of discriminating tastes, I am sure you will have a lot of preferences about the way your log looks. I mean, you would never want to be seen with an ugly log. How can I put this delicately. Um, you can choose anything from a mahogany log to a white pine log, the choice is yours. I heard the Asian bonsai makes a really exotic log, if that’s more your cut of tea.

And how do you like your logs shaped? Would you like a widdled-middle? Like sturdy legs? How about a chiseled face? The possibilities are endless. You can create your very own dream log!

The ladies are customizing their logs as well. Women are choosing from short logs with a lot of girth, and long thin logs, and everything in between. It’s really just a matter of preference. Every woman expects different things when it comes to choosing wood.

As a special offer, you can now get log for free. Just go into the woods behind your house, find a tree, and cut it down. Special accessories include sandpaper (for a silky smooth lovin’ log), wigs, eyelashes, and paint. Assessories starts at only $19.95.

You’re gonna love it! Log, by Blamo. It’s absolutely fabulous!

Pros: Affordable, exciting potential, burns well
Cons: No packaging or instructions for use, drips sap and dirt on carpet
The Bottom Line: A promising toy that did not deliver, make sure you get good instructions and don’t store this in the fireplace.
Recommended: No

A Log on Our Log Experience

It was almost Christmas, and my husband and son came home from the Christmas tree lot with something different. They bought a Christmas tree – and also brought home The Log. “Look, Mom, it’s The Log!” my son said excitedly. So we sat down, all of us, to examine our log, and figure out what exactly we were to do with it.

The Log “Out of Box” Experience*
When you buy The Log, you get a log, complete with newspaper overwrap to prevent sap spillage in your car. I understand that the packaging may vary, depending on where you purchase your log.

The log itself is round, though not a perfect circle, and about 14 inches in length. Our log was about 8 inches in diameter, with a rough, dark exterior coating and a smooth tannish interior surface. The Log is solid, and weighty, though not unmanageable. Even my young son could carry The Log.

The Log does not require batteries, does not have a remote control, and does not have any type of video screen. It does not have any moving parts, and does not seem to come apart in any way. We were surprised to find that The Log came with no instructions, leaving us stumped to figure out what we were supposed to do with our Log.

Using The Log
We tried several activities. We tried rolling it, but it was too heavy for our son to roll for very long and seemed to leave a trail of dirt and occasional sap drippings on our carpet. We tried using it as a footrest, but found that it was too small when turned on end and too low when turned on it’s side. Our son sat on it for a while, but said it made his bottom hurt, and seemed to leave sap and dirt on his pants as well. We tried taking it apart, looking for a battery compartment, and even searched the Internet for manufacturer’s recommendations and instructions, or even a customer service number to call for help – all to no avail.

We had planned to continue our search, and were hoping to find out how exactly we were supposed to use The Log, but in our preparation for Santa’s arrival, we tidied up our house and set the log in the empty fireplace. Christmas morning, as we opened gifts and shared a lovely time, we enjoyed a cheery holiday fire. It was almost two hours later that we looked at each other in horror, realizing that we had accidentally used The Log for firewood!

Recommendations for Your Log
I personally cannot recommend The Log, since we were unable to use it for it’s intended purpose, and accidentally burned it before uncovering what it’s purpose was. We were extremely disappointed with ourselves for our careless mistake, and somewhat frustrated with the manufacturers of The Log for not including any packaging or intended use instructions.

To date, we still don’t know what we were supposed to do with The Log, since ours went up in flames that Christmas morning. My son has asked Santa for The Log again this year, and perhaps this one will come with directions for use. If so, I will edit this review and add in that information. Until then, I cannot recommend this product. For us, The Log was a flaming loser.

Author's Product Rating

Ease of Use: 2.0

Introduction

David Watson, the woodworker whose efforts graced Monticello during the Jeffersonian heyday of 1781, was a British deserter who nonetheless convinced the Founding Father of his noble intentions, and more importantly, skill with a variety of knives and wood.* Monticello historians credit Watson with the construction of a number of items, including wheels, a writing desk and a carriage. Much is also made of Watson’s supervision of a timber yard in the lovely Virginia mountains and one can only imagine a life in which a man created with his own two hands and the product of said labor was more than adequate to providing clothing, nourishment and, presumably, a level of spirituality that exists to this day in the Blue Ridge.

Indeed old Tom himself may have engaged in correspondence that shaped the nation to which we have devolved today while warming himself in fires burning brightly from Watson’s woods. Ever-literate Jefferson would no doubt have engaged the best of breed for all tasks, and warming himself through a chill winter, be heard muttering Sanctus fumus* as he pondered yet another letter to Franklin, who while also learned had some turkeys of ideas.

The point is, that while Jefferson no doubt was a man to whom comfort was no stranger (and is it any secret that the highly underrated Prince Michel Vineyards, makers of a lovely semi-dry Reisling tasting slightly of good old Dominion honey, are now situated near Monticello), he enjoyed those comforts surrounded by the woods which he had Watson harvest and most likely not replant, this being the time in which natural resources were considered to be unconstrained and replenished by faerie folk.

Salvage experts have now found a log which carbon testing and not a small amount of folklore claim was to be burned in one of the mansion’s many rooms before being rescued by one of Miss Hemmings’ many children. The log, a stout apple cutting the size of an average man’s thigh, is now available for purchase in the Needless Markup Christmas catalog. While I prefer my decorations to be more simple, perhaps a bit of holly, mistletoe and pine cones, I can’t help but admire the log and urge you to consider doing as I did, and drive to Philadelphia where the Needless Markup folks are exhibiting said wood until a suitable buyer, one who has spent more time than not south of the Mason-Dixon, can be located.

So mea culpa. I do not actually own the log, but I have seen it with my own eyes, and it is a thing of beauty.

Amen.

Phase One

Being nearly Philadelphia, well South Jersey, but almost Philadelphia, and a decorating nut to boot, I had to visit the Needless Markup exhibit of the infamous Monticello apple tree log. The log would go so well in my kitchen as an accent to my Egg Wave and coffeemaker that money is almost no object.

Except that it was.

I drove clear over to the King of Prussia mall, which I didn’t want to do, but when Needless Markup put a location in Philly itself, they chose to make it a Clearance Center. Trust me, I know how to find a bargain, but the real stuff is in KOP. Even in Jersey, we have a clearance center, but it’s way up in Elizabeth and this gal isn’t heading up the Turnpike for anything except maybe that log.

The good thing about shopping in King of Prussia, especially at this time of the year, is that the busloads of yentas come up from Baltimore looking for bargains since there is no decent shopping down there, and they hog up all the nearby parking places. I was clear over to Dick Clark’s restaurant (which serves a surprisingly good cheesesteak) when I finally found a parking space. That didn’t bother me at all. Clipping on my trust Omron 105 (much better than the 104), I stepped my way past strip shopping centers and people who were lost trying to find Valley Forge.

Finally I saw it – the famous Monticello log.

I can’t describe how well this log would go in my kitchen except to point out that I was drooling when I saw its exquisite mounting and smelled the fragrant, crisp apple scent. You would think that the log would lose its odor after 220 years, but this smelled as if it were recently cut down. The sales clerk was hiding a misting bottle of some clear liquid when I arrived, but that was probably just Windex™ for the cases with all the little jewelry baubles. No way, no sirree, that man was not spraying the log with Renuzit™ Apple Blossom fresh concentrate. At $42,000 for the Monticello Apple Log, why would anyone want to cheat? It’s a bargain.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t go with Corian™ countertops so I’ve decided to hold off purchasing until a Greek shipping magnate decides to make me a kept woman. But a gal can dream. And I got in 14,000 steps just in the parking lot.

No, I didn’t buy the log, but I hope my Epinion has been helpful to you today!

Phase Two

If American audiences only understood Ingmar Bergman’s brilliance, Viskningar och rop would have made the Corleones an offer they couldn’t refuse and swept the 1972 Academy Awards. The haunting tale of a dying woman reaching out to her family is instead relegated to late night cable channels and video stores that have names beginning with a letter other than “B”. When Agnes dies, one of the most riveting death scenes ever released on the silver screen, one wonders if her final hours might have been made more comfortable with a nice wood fire.

That thought still coursed through my brain when my employer temporarily posted me to one of our facilities near Philadelphia. It was there that I saw the fabled Monticello Apple Log (MAL) and realized that while Bergman’s brilliance is as luminescent as a full moon a crisp autumn night, the glow emanating from such a natural treasure dwarfs the Swedish director.

Because it can get awfully cold where I live, although not as cold as folklore would have you believe, I seriously considered forgoing cinema for a period of at least six months, at which point I would save enough on movie tickets and popcorn to purchase the MAL at a steal of only $42,000. Apple wood burns red hot and I would enjoy being able to type without mittens. But the new Peter King or Stephen Straub book is out, and that thing costs a bundle too. Realizing the choices life deals us are hard, I visited Books A Million instead. Thus, I didn’t actually purchase the log yet, but I have a goal, am going to stick to it, and hope no one saves up the 42 grand before I do.

Conclusion

I travel a lot on business, and while often tired at night, I try to visit at least one noteworthy attraction. If nothing else, I can then spend the hours in my crummy little motel room churning out Epinions that four dozen people will read and two may comment upon. But that’s another issue…

What I found while visiting customers in King of Prussia, Pennsylvania (near Philadelphia, but my trips don’t often take me into downtown areas) was the famous Monticello Apple Log. I had doubts as to whether the log is really from Monticello, having lived in Virginia for over twenty years now, but wanted to see what all the fuss is about…

The log is approachable only after circling a huge parking lot for hours. I saw a number of people parking miles away and walking, but I knew there would be enough standing in line and walking once inside the Needless Markup store, and I wanted to conserve my energy. Finally, a space opened up, and I eased my rented white Taurus SE (but that’s another upcoming Epinion) into the spot.

Inside, I found the log was, well, a hunk of wood. Enclosed in a glass case with a white handle suitable for opening and closing, the Monticello Apple Log is selling for $42,000. Crowds were sparse during the midday hours when I was able to sneak away for a while, and I couldn’t understand where all the people had gone until I realized that as part of Needless Markup’s holiday promotion, they had hired two local models to play Santa and Mrs. Claus. Throngs of people lined up to have their photo snapped with the Christmas duo, who go by the stage names of Justin and Justine, but being a family man with a wife, three kids, a dog, three cats, fish and I suspect a termite problem, I couldn’t spend much time with them either.

The bottom line – a trip to visit the Monticello Apple Log may make it on to your holiday list of things to do if you’re visiting near suburban Philadelphia, but I honestly can’t recommend the purchase at $42,000, which would buy a lot of CDs.



* This according to the slave Isaac whose remembrances of Monticello are simply the best and most accurate depiction of a most misunderstood man and whose writings I highly commend.
* Quite literally, Holy Smoke. One is always reminded Quidquid latine dictum, altum videtur, and indeed, what is said in Latin becomes truly profound, which is why I have oft claimed that the lads from ‘N Sync would do better chanting Gregorian than the babble they more often record.

Life without Log? Unimaginable!

Pros: A million and one uses, fun for the entire family, makes the perfect gift
Cons: Flammable

Question: what’s brown and sticky?
Answer: a stick.
Question: what has a hundred and one uses and is fun for the whole family?
Answer: Log!
When I got married last year, Log wasn’t yet the household name it is today. So when I got it as a wedding gift, you might say I was a little apprehensive. What was it? What should I use it for? But take this from me: Log has changed my way of life.

Doesn’t it look gorgeous?

Log is roughly cylindrical in shape, and comes in many sizes and colours. The standard size is 8 inches in diameter and 4 inches in height. The most popular colour is brown, but Log is also available in white, red, and other shades.
The top and bottom are smooth and nice to the touch, while the side feels quite rough – adding to its rugged appeal. WARNING: if your Log does have a smooth side, you have a pirated replica, probably made in Taiwan! Please notify the authorities at once.

More than a hundred and one uses

At first you might be stumped (no pun intended) on how to make the best use of your Log. Luckily every Log comes with a booklet “101 uses for your Log”. Some of these uses include (and I quote):
- turn it into a fashionable doorstop;
- put your feet up on Log while watching TV;
- with Log as your paperweight, your papers aren’t going anywhere.
This well-written book is a great beginners’ guide, but you’ll have even more fun thinking up your own ways to use your Log.
My wife constantly uses it as a handy stepladder to reach those high places, and I have discovered that Log makes for an excellent pillow in an emergency.

Different Logs to suit everybody’s taste

Log has evolved in time, and while most people will be familiar with the Classic Log, there are different versions available.
- The Mood Log will change colour according to your mood. My brother takes it along on dates and hides it under the girl’s side of the table, then peeks under the table to see how he’s doing.
- The Glow-in-the-Dark Log is lots of fun, especially on Halloween. Mine is attached to my key chain so I can find the keyhole to my house or my car on dark nights.
- The Captain’s Log is a special edition for Star Trek fans. Each Captain’s Log has its unique Stardate imprinted on it, and is a close replica of a Log that was used in the Star Trek episode “The Trouble with Logs”.

Log in my personal life

Here are some of my and my family’s personal experiences with Log.
- A few months ago I threw away my ugly Rodin sculpture, and replaced it with a Log. Now everybody who comes over for a visit comments on how stunning my Log looks. It has really added some class to a drab living room.
- I gave my dad a Log for his birthday, and he literally takes it everywhere. Once he was on a fishing trip, and he ran out of bait, so he used his Log instead. Would you believe he caught a thirty-pounder with it?!
- My son enjoys playing with Log; at times he pretends it’s a lion, sometimes it’s a dinosaur, then it’s an alien,… The only limit is his imagination. When I need to punish him, I usually ground him from Log. His behaviour has greatly improved once I started doing that.
- At one time I really didn’t feel like going to work, so I swallowed my Log (in case you were wondering, it tastes a little like cinnamon). My boss agreed it was a valid excuse. WARNING: retrieving your Log afterwards can be quite painful.

There HAS to be a dark side, right?

Nothing is perfect, and neither is Log. This might come as a surprise, but Log is highly flammable! I accidentally left my Log in the fireplace once, and boy did it burn! I called Log Consumer Services immediately, explaining what had happened, and while the young lady on the phone – Ms. Beaver – was very polite, she couldn’t send me a replacement. “Company policy”. She was nice enough to send me a reduction voucher on my next Log purchase, though.
Another minor quirk is that Log is incompatible with Windows. I tried it. Windows broke.

Final words

A final word of warning: watch out for fake Logs. They’ll have similarly sounding names, like “Lug” or “Lock”, and while they resemble Log, they’re not the same! My sister bought a “Lark” from a Russian door-to-door salesman, and all it does is sit around the house!
Log. The name just rolls off your tongue, doesn’t it? It’s the most useful item I have around the house, and I couldn’t imagine a life without Log anymore. If I’ve managed to convince you to go out and buy one, all I have to say is: good log with it!

Conclusion: Log comes in many versions and colours, but the Classic Log will always be my favourite. It has a million and one uses, so don’t miss out on it!

I thought you all might like to see what the second place prize is. It consists of a set of 4 wine glasses, with Epinions.com written on them in white. It is definitely a collectors item for the trendy Epinionator.

The voting is now closed!

It looks like our official winner is number 5, and second place is number 11.

Just for fun - I am offering a small prize to the first person (besides the authors) who can correctly tell me who the winners are.

Amy

Congratulations to the winners! :celebrate
All the entries were fun to read :smileo:

Nobody has sent me a PM with the correct answers yet. Anyone know who wrote the winners?

I have a cute little prize if you do.

Amy

Would you be willing to give a list of all those who participated?

Rich2003dm
emleel
pluckyduck
Sordid
file13
tipu
hypotenuse
workingmomof2
eplovejoy
magenta321
Joubert
Lorin

Well, it looks like we didn't get a winner for the little guess who prize

Here are the authors in the correct order:

1. pluckyduck
2. Santa Claus
3. Rich2003dm
4. Sordid
5. file13
6. hypotenuse
7. emleel
8. eplovejoy
9. magenta321
10. workingmomof2
11. Joubert
12. Lorendiac