To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you cut through a network, do you use a LAN-mower?

When five people are running, is it a ten foot jog?

When they claimed to house two thousand campers, it sounded like a lot of bunk

Our social studies teacher says that her globe means the world to her.

Today I've got a pressing engagement. I must go to the cleaners.

I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.

Did you hear about the mad fisherman, he tripped and now is in seine.

You know what happens after you miss math class? It starts adding up.

Last week I was diagnosed with insomnia, and now I'm just so tired of it.

The telemarketer asked me if I read magazines at all and I replied that I did, periodically.

The fruit farmer was plum happy he pruned his orchard last fall.

Forklift operators do not care for puns - they find them unpalletable.

It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.

This girl said that she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I hear that the Brits have no kidney bank, but they do have a Liverpool.

When chemists die, they barium.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had Type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Nice

I would offer praise, but a good pun is it's own reword.

Might have to send that list to my dad.

Many years ago, this went around as an email, with the same title, at my job. A sarcastic joke was made by a coworker that our foreign-born boss would need help to interpret the puns. Another coworker was upset that the joke was made, and lectured the sarcastic one about the intelligence of the foreign-born boss. Right on cue, foreign-born boss walked in and said "you girls are going to have to 'splain these 'punies' to me."